Disordered Eating and Recovery. One Step at a Time

                                   Taken at the University of West Florida hiking trail today. I'm much better than I was in October, but still need to gain more weight to be healthy again.  Photo by Brian.

 I'll be real with y'all: I've suffered from disordered eating since middle school. The genesis was when I had surgery to correct severe scoliosis during the summer between 6th and 7th grade. 

  Anyway, I really do not wish to delve into my lifelong issues with eating disorders. Rather I do want to remind people that disordered eating is an illness, much like drug and alcohol misuse. People with those sicknesses receive a lot more help and community support than those of us with disordered eating.  I'm grateful that there is help and more understanding available for some addictive illnesses, but my wish is to make eating disorders lose the stigma that surrounds them so people can feel safe to get much-needed help. 

 In October I fainted at church. 

 When I " came to" from fainting, my legs were so weak that people helped me get into our truck-- I did not trust myself to walk unaided. A retired ER nurse who is a member of the parish checked me for a concussion {I had fallen face-first into an upholstered chair} 

  I am NOT " cured" My eating disorder has been in remission for several years. However, my friend's death {non-COVID} this autumn triggered my need for control, which brought about a bad relapse.  {Thankfully, our hospital is close to both the church and our home.} I was able to get wheeled into the intake area & was cognizant enough to answer questions and fill out insurance paperwork from my wheelchair. 

  Not sure how long I would sit in the holding-tank of the ER waiting room, I asked Brian to drive the short distance to our house to pick up my tablet, my blanket and my Book of Common Prayer. 

  The medical staff at the hospital was thorough-- I was subjected to tests that ranged from blood samples to a chest X ray. It was during one of the blood draws that my priest phoned me. Obviously, I could not take her call at that moment, so I asked Brian to answer my phone and let her know I'll call later with an update.   It was via the chest Xray that the ER doctor saw the heart murmur.... and they listened to my chest several times and wrote orders for an EKG.  One of the nurses brought me food from the hospital cafeteria-- and my hunger allowed me to gobble the scrambled eggs and overcooked cheese grits as though it was the best food I'd tasted in my life. 

 My discharge papers said I had to arrange for a follow-up with my primary-care provider. The heart murmur concerned them. Additionally, I was told to increase my water intake-- as dehydration is more dangerous than malnutrition. 

 I am grateful for the good care-- especially during a pandemic-- from the Ascension Sacred heart Pensacola Emergency Department team. I am also grateful for my ever-patient spouse, Brian and my priest, Susan+ {I did talk with er on the phone later that afternoon and hearing her voice is always soothing.}

 Every day-- ESSPECIALLY during these weird times that continue due to COVIDIOTS refusing to do what is good and get the damn shots-- is a new opportunity to live a healthy life. 

 Life is good. 

 Amen. 

 Sarah Elizabeth McCarren

12/29/21

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#AdventuresOfAnneLynne Shoreline Park

                                      Anne-Lynne enjoying the sea air at Shoreline Park in Gulf Breeze. 

Today Anne-Lynne joined us for a morning visit to Shoreline Park, located just across the bridge.  It is located on the shore of the Intercoastal Waterway that runs between mainland Florida and the barrier islands. We've had some nice warm temps, and no rain, so Brian and I are taking full advantage of the safe Florida Outdoors. 

The weather was beautiful. 

                                              Me, living my best, safest Pandemic Life Photo by Brian 

We gathered some litter {I use a long set of tong-like things to grab trash while keeping my hands away from other people's cooties.} We saw that the park did not have much trash scattered everywhere-- the Park Service had been there earlier. 

Since we still had some credit left on a Panera Bread gift card, we treated ourselves to a late brunch. We went at an odd time, and it was easy for us to find a table away from other humans. 

I've decided that humans I do not know are all gross, as well as the few humans i DO know who refuse to do their part to end COVID. These people are stupid & selfish & I will call them out on their bullshit. No More Ms Nice Gal--- not when COVID protection is concerned! 

After brunch we returned to the park and enjoyed the clean salt air. 

Brian worked on one of his crossword puzzles and I read more of the book _Squirrel Hill_ by Mark Oppenheimer. This is a story of how the City of Pittsburgh came together after the horrible attack on Tree of Life Synagogue. As a Pittsburgh-area native, and someone with Jewish heritage, The Squirrel Hill Jewish community are my people, too. Reading the book helps me to remember how many truly good people of all traditions there are in Pittsburgh-- in spite of the city's unfortunate location in The Rust Belt. 

Spending time in Natre soothes my soul, and I am grateful that this holiday week has some Florida sunshine. It is nice to go to the sore and temporarily forget what a selfish, stupid, spoiled species we humans are right now. At the shore, I can briefly forget about COVID and commune with the sandy earth, salty water, and clean air. 

Amen. 

Sarah McCarren

Feast of St John 2021

Goals, Not Resolutions

 Here we are, almost ready to kiss Year 2021 goodbye. For me, it is not a moment too soon. What I'd hoped for in 2021 did not materialize, and in some ways, there was more " suckitude" in 2021 than there was in 2020. I'd had my heart broken several times this year-- mostly by people whom I'd thought I'd known. 

Covid is still here, due to some selfish people who value their " freedom" more than doing their part to save lives. Yesterday I bought myself some more three-ply masks with cute prints at the CVS-- since it looks like they will be a necessary accessory for the responsible Americans for the near future. And by golly--- we might as well keep making masks a fashion statement. 

I do not believe in Resolutions.  However, I do strive to be the best version of myself. Without further ado, here are my 2022 goals:

~ I plan to eat more {volume} food. I am too thin, and my malnutrition & dehydration landed me in the emergency room of the local hospital. I also plan to continue my mostly plant-based protein menu-- allowing myself the occasional meat product. I've discovered that I feel much better on a plant-based eating plan.  I just need to stay mindful of my nutrition & hydration intake. 

~ I plan to journal. After Doc died, I was fairly faithful with journal-keeping, but I'd fallen off that wagon during these holidays. Mom and Dad bought me one of those guided journals as a Christmas gift, and I find that the prompts are helpful. 

~I plan to do some serious work on dealing with people & situations that are " button pushers" I need to learn to respond, rather than to react to situations or people who anger or sadden me. Part of this will involve a Sacrament of Reconciliation during Lent, as I've learned that having my self- pity/anger buttons pushed by people or situations beyond my control is not good for my emotional nor spiritual health. 

~I plan to SAFELY spend time with loved ones. One of the hardest parts of losing my dear friend in late September is that COVID robbed us of an entire year where we could have made more memories before she became so sick. I know that it was necessary, but my heart still hurts that keeping each other safe precluded me from spending quality in-person time with a woman who gifted me with the change to really know her. The climate in Florida makes safer, outdoor gatherings possible. 

Stay safe this last week of Sucky Year : Part Two. 

Shalom...

Sarah McCarren 

12/27/2021

#Adventword #Greeting

                                           

Today's Advent word is : GREETING. 

To be honest, I am not feeling " merry merry" this season. Many parts factors into my Grinchiness,

The big reason for my bad case of the humbugs is the fact that this is Christmas of Covid Round 2.  In January {in spite of the attempted coup of our federal government} I had high hopes for Year 2021. Vaccines were rolling out and we were getting ready to have hope again. 

 Fast forward to late September. One of my dear friends and mentors died after a long {NOT COVID} illness. Doc had been {and still is} a huge positive influence in my life & I still feel her absence acutely. If Doc were alive, she would gently but firmly remind me of the many blessings I have & that Christians have a bigger reason for holiday joy than does this secular world. She was such a mature Christ-follower who never let me stay wallowing in self-pity for very long. 

 I miss you " Doc" Lynne. 

  Here we are again: people still refusing to mask and vaccinate. COVID struck people I love {mild cases, thankfully} but our Christmas Week gathering will be canceled or significantly shortened. 

 December is a dark month & I am affected by Seasonal Affective Disorder. I'm grateful for sunny days in Florida, where Nature feeds my soul. I'm grateful that Brian and I have plenty of food to eat, a paid for little cottage and a good little truck that is new-to-us. 

Yet I am weary. I am NOT all about the " good will towards humans" bullshit when a scary proportion of people refuse to take a simple series of shots that will protect themselves and other people.  I wear the masks in public, but I resent the hell out of the fact that this is still necessary. I mask to care for other, more vulnerable people such as children who cannot yet get their booster shots. 

 So, my #Greeting for this day is: Meh-y Grinchmas.  {kudos to the friend who penned that term!} 

Meh. 

And if all you can say during this week is " meh", please know you are definitely not alone. 

Have a gentle holiday. Reach out if you need to talk. 

Shalom...

~Sarah McCarren

Christmas Eve 2021
 

#Adventword #Feed

 According to my earliest memories, Nature has been soul-food for me.

Growing up interfaith, my family really did not have any rituals for marking time and the change of the seasons. We did not attend worship services anywhere, but I found my first personal connection to The Divine while exploring the central Appalachian woods near the house where I grew up. I felt the sacredness of the earth as a sat dipping my toes in a cool mountain creek, or sunk my fingers into the dark, fertile soil.

Beech Mountain, NC waterfall.

I found all the proof I need of a loving Adonai-- Creator merely by taking time to be totally IN Nature.

I've lived on the Florida Gulf Coast for most of adulthood, and I still am fed by the natural elements. Salt water is especially sacred to me, a swim in the emerald green waters of the northern Gulf of Mexico is a cleansing ritual-- a reminder of my baptism. I am mindful of the many small, shelled creatures that feed the sea birds. My affinity for Nature is seen on my home altar, as I keep stones, seashells, and other gifts from the Earth in my place of prayer.

Pensacola Beach, Florida.

For me, time in Nature feeds my soul like bread and water feed my body.

Amen.

Sarah Elizabeth McCarren

Anne-Lynne goes to PegLeg Pete's and Pensacola Beach #AdventuresWithAnneLynne

   Anne-Lynne went on her first adventure today. In the middle of the stress of the season, Brian and I observed Advent by taking a mental healt day {for me more than for Brian} on Pensacola Beach. Anne-Lynne hitched a ride in my purse-- apparently, she does not want to wait until the calendar changes to start her adventures! 

  Brian and I walked on the small Pensacola Beach boardwalk. It was quiet and empty, as the shops were just beginning to open when we arrived. It looks like there are repairs being made at the Quietwater Beach dock, so we did not stroll out to the dock as we like to do on boardwalk visits. The boardwalk is festively decorated for te season, including a HUGE wreath on the shell-shaped outdoor stage on the waterfront. 

 We then drove down the beach road to Peg Leg Pete's a seafood restaurant that is special to Brian and me for several reasons. It was here that we went on our first " official" date and it is also where we celebrate birthdays & anniversaries. Brian's birthday is later this month. 

                         Anne-Lynne hanging out with The Man himself-- Pete. Photo by the author 

We arrived at opening time {the ONLY way to eat at Peg Leg's} and were seated. Brian ordered the grouper sandwich basket, and I chose my usual-- fried shrimp basket. Brian ate my cole slaw, since I don't like cabbage. We sat on the porch and felt comfortable dining outside.  Honestly, for a FRESH seafood meal, Peg Leg Pete's is the best in our area. {and I AM NOT paid to endorse them!}

We then parked at one of the Gulf-side pavilion areas and breathed in the salt air as the sand cushioned our feet.  the tide brought in many se shells, so our walk was peppered by me stooping to gather shells. the Gulf water was churning, and no one was swimming, kayaking or surfing. A couple men fished from shore, but we did not see any fishing boats on the horizon. My hair whipped free around my shoulders, and I breathed in the salty, fresh air. 

Beach trips invigorate me. Salt air and salt water has a primal healing quality that soothes my soul. 

We are blessed to call the Florida Northern Gulf Coast our home. 

~Sarah McCarren

  12-16-21

Coming Soon: Adventures with Anne-Lynne

                                                              Meet Ragdoll Anne-Lynne. 

She is an original hand-made rag doll that I found at my church's annual Advent bazaar. Her creator makes dolls in the form of traditional Raggedy Ann and Andy, but each one is unique. If you wish to purchase a doll like Anne-Lynne, the e-mail for her artist is: psew@bellsouth.net. 

  I named the travel companion after two remarkable women who have gone to Heaven {whatever or wherever that may be... I don't know} 

  Anne was my paternal grandmother-- who died from cancer last December. Due to COVID, my parents, spouse, brother & his family could not safely fly to Pittsburg for the funeral Mass. A kindhearted cousin Zoomed the funeral for we southern McCarrens, but it is still hard to find closure from 1000 miles away. 

  Lynne, who {as she would have said} had her Homegoing in late September, after a long illness that was NOT Covid. I miss " Doc" every day, & sometimes still want to either text her on the phone or write her a daily email. 

  Both of these women, in her own way, shaped me as the person people know today. Grandma Anne's influence shaped my childhood & " Doc's" life lessons started when I was under her direction as a choir singer at The University of West Florida. 

  My promise to myself is to spend Year 2022 living fully and with joy. COVID situation pending, I plan to slowly re-emerge into life more fully. I know that COVID is not gone yet, but I am confident that both myself & people I know and love are doing everything we can to be safe. I have confidence in medical science, and while some activities are still off the table-- I'm looking to a 2022 with more opportunities to enjoy life again. {albeit with some caution because neither Doc nor Grandma would want anyone to get sick}  

 It is my hope to have some adventures with Anne-Lynne chronicled here on my blog.  I can think of no better way to honor these two women than to live life in full again. 

I hope you will join us...

~Sarah McCarren

#AdventWord #repent

 

   Repent is today's word. I've no appropriate photo illustration, so y'all will just get my word salad today. 

   The dictionary defines repent: 

 1.      to turn from sin and dedicate oneself to the amendment of one's life

2a: to feel regret or contrition

b: to change one's mind. 

After almost two years of living in Pandemic Life I keep hoping and praying for everyone to repent-- to change one's mind-- regarding vaccines for COVID19. My area is still {thankfully} low on numbers of new cases, but other areas of this nation are not so fortunate. I'm still careful in social situations, but I do not feel the need to return to isolation. I do not understand how people put their misguided notions of " freedom" before complying with a simple request to receive {free-of-charge for ALL} series of shots. Daily I read stories of bedraggled healthcare workers and overcrowded hospital wards and it breaks my heart. People's hearts are still hardened, and it is costing lives. Almost all of the deaths from COVID are from un-vaccinated patients. Furthermore, the new variant seems to attack younger people at a more deadly rate. yet some refuse to repent and tend to the health of the entire community. As much as I resent masking, I don a face cover every time I am in public among strangers. Masks are hot uncomfortable and muffle my voice. Yet I wear them because I know that my action protects both myself and other people. Y'all-- it is NOT " all about me"  Repent, grow up and think of others. Vaccinate. Amen. Sarah McCarren12/10/21

#AdventWord #Fullfil

                                                Brian and me. Springtime 2020

Today's word is FULLFIL 

{Honestly, who comes up with these crazy lists each year? }

Brian and I just celebrated our sixth wedding anniversary. It took long enough, but I finally found the person who complements me and who brings out my best. 

I tell single people who feel anxious about meeting " the one" to first find fulfillment in who God designed YOU to be. I made the mistake of looking for validation in other people. It never worked out. 

God made you. God loves you. 

Amen

Sarah McCarren

12.3.21

#AdventWord #Justice

                                                   Quote from the movie _ The Green Mile_ 

Today's word is JUSTICE. 

Whew, that is one loaded word right now!  There is a lot that I can say about justice, but I try hard to NOT point fingers and anger trolls. 

Oftentimes, we think of " justice" as a conviction or acquittal in a courtroom. Justice of this sort also looks different-- what might be " justice" for one side of a courtroom drama is anything but fair to the opposite side. 

There is so much work that we need to do to bring about true justice.  

 Honestly, we need to return to the basic Golden Rule, a version of which is found in every religious/ cultural system worldwide. 

Treat others as we want others to treat us. 

It is that simple, people. Don't be a shithead. 

Furthermore, we need to strive for justice in all taht we say and in how we interact with others-- especially others who do not look, pray, love, or speak as we do. 

" Justice" IS NOT only for " just us". 

Amen. 

Sarah McCarren

1222021
 

#AdventWord #Path

                                   Me hiking a path in the NC Mountains. Photo by Brian. 

Today's word is: PATH. 

 Growing up in central Appalachia I spent a lot of my growing-up years in the woods. As a matter of fact, the empty lot in my neighborhood where we kids hung out was colloquially called " the path". My brother and I-- along with other neighborhood sibling groups-- would spend hours playing on " the path". 

 I love the beaches of Pensacola, but part of my soul resides in the little-traveled Appalachian paths 

 I'm happy while hiking the Appalachians. Brian and I are fairly experienced day hikers and we've learned to trust what lies before us--- especially when hiking new paths.  

 I feel safe in the woods-- having grown up there and then marrying a hiker. Life is like hiking. 

 Be prepared. We make sure to have the correct clothing and gear-- both of us invested in a good pair of hiking shoes. Dressing in layers is important when tackling a new path in the woods, as weather can change at a moment's notice. We also bring fresh drinking water--as the body can become dehydrated quickly {especially on more vigorous paths} Snacks are also a necessity-- but pack trail-friendly fare that does not need refrigeration. It is also easier to pack and serve single-serving foods, such as granola bars. Please make sure to store all trash until the return to the trailhead. 

Do not veer off the marked path. Stay the course. It is safer. Occasionally a detour is inevitable, such as when the marked path is blocked. 

 Watch your step. Tree roots can literally trip a person if they are not mindful of their footing. 

 Use the buddy system: Take at least one other human along on your path. As is life, hiking is meant to be done with people. 

Enjoy the scenery. 

Amen. 

Sarah McCarren

12/1/21 
 

#AdventWord #Soul

                                          Photo of my dear departed friend. This was used as her obituary photo, so I do not know whose work I share. 

Today's word is SOUL. 

 I am mindful that these holidays--- along with every holiday season-- can be hard on people who have lost loved ones this past year. 

 This year, I am remembering my former college choir director-- a woman who died from a complicated, long illness this autumn. 

 "Doc" was more than my college choir conductor. She was my friend. For over 20 years we exchanged {almost} daily emails sharing or lives and being cheerleaders for each other. To be honest, I still want to begin emails with " Dear Doc" & need to remember that she's no longer with us on this physical plane. 

  She was a little woman in stature but carried a BIG heart. 

  A soul like hers will not be forgotten. Doc loved God, her family, & her students and those of us who were blessed enough to know Doc on a more soul-sister level are still blessed by her influence. Doc and I shared a bond of trust that continues to right now. We trusted each other to keep what we say in confidence. 

  Now many different traditions and schools of thought try to define what a " soul" is for we humans.  I cannot define the word-- I can only report what I've experienced after Doc's death.  Her soul manifests itself by the life lessons that Doc offered to her students. I sense a lot of her when I work with my Godly Play students at church--- making a point to take a genuine interest in the students' lives as Doc did. I offer in my circle a safe play to " be" for the students-- because that is how Doc managed her rehearsal hall. It was more than choir--- it was community. 

  I have no solid definition for " soul" But as a Christian I believe that we are united in death with Christ & all our loved ones--- the mechanics of this " heart knowledge" are not important. Doc's soul is one of many souls with whom I feel a connection, & hers is the strongest. 

 Maybe our departed loved ones' souls show up in us?  To be honest, I have no idea.  All I know is that certain people's souls are so strong that their love & influence continues well after their Earthly lives. 

Do I miss Doc? I miss her every day. Yet somehow, I know that my soul and hers will connect again. In the meantime, it is my task to make the most of my remaining years on Earth. 

My soul rests in the knowledge of the Resurrection. 

Amen. 

Sarah McCarren

11/30/21

 

#AdventWord #Strength

                    Photo of two of the strongest people I know, my late Grandma Anne and my Dad's Brother Joe, who continues to fight various health problems with his sense of humor intact. 

Today's word is STRENGTH. 

I pause to give thanks and to celebrate the strength that many people I know {including myself} have tapped into during these strange times. 

Personally, I am weary of being strong.  I've been living in trauma response for so long that living with my guard always up has become my new " normal".  I agree that strength is a virtue-- as we must be strong to find resilience. but I find that it's hard to seek joy when my default mode has been stuck on mere survival. 

 Strength is tiring. 

 I give thanks for the people around me-- those examples of living saints who somehow find awe and wonder in every day. I look to these people-- and there are several joy-bearers in my life-- to remind me of God's love and in the inherent goodness of each person. 

  For me, being strong means that I don't let the world's problems define me. Part of this strength is to be mindful and very selective on which news I consume & from what source. It takes a lot of strength for me to stay focused on joy this holiday season. But with God's Help {and the help of the joy-bringers in my life} I will persevere in hope. 

Amen. 

Sarah McCarren

11/29/21 
 

#AdventWord2021 #Promise

 

                                            Our Menorah, ready for tomorrow's lighting.  Photo by The Pensacola Hippie 

 It is that time again, friends. Advent Word is here for Year 2021. This weekend sees the church calendar re-set itself. Advent is probably my favorite season of the year. 

 Today's word is PROMISE.  

  To be honest, I do not put much stock in promises of humans. After nearly two years, I am wary of beginning to have hope that Pandemic Life will slowly cease to exist.  I am still in trauma-response mode--- waiting for the proverbial other shoe to drop. 

 When I make promises, I see that I make every effort to follow through with my commitment. Pandemic Life has taught me that many humans still only care about their immediate gratification. 

 Today Brian said that some random dude asked him why he was masked in the store. My spouse replied jokingly " my wife makes me wear it. "I was not amused.  I insist that we don the mask mainly to protect other people from getting sick. I wear a mask because I promised Brian's daughter that I'll keep him healthy. 

  I wear the mask because I want to be part of the solution. For me, masking is done because I promised at my Baptism to do what I can to care for other people-- and this promise extends both to those whom I know and love and those I do not know. 

 I mask because I know that the King of Kings {such weird, archaic language} came not to be served, but to serve others.  In Christ God fulfilled God's promise to literally become " God-With-Us" and to teach humans a Way to Live and Love better. 

I trust in God's Promises, but I don't trust people to do what is right anymore. My mask is an outward and visible sign of the promises I made at baptism to love others as God loves me. 

Sarah McCarren

Advent 1 2020

Not so " Holly-Jolly "

                                                                My Betta fish, Luna. 

 Thanksgiving Day is Thursday ya'll.  Advent 1 begins on November 28 {which happens to be our wedding anniversary} 

  The ' most wonderful time of the year' is upon us. Frankly I'm not feeling too jolly. Last year's COVID holiday was rough-- and I honestly thought I'd be at a better " place" this year. After all, there are vaccines, and life is slowly opening up. 

  I am still reeling from so much ugliness, and while taking baby steps to live somewhat of a post-pandemic life, I struggle daily to remember how blessed I am. 

  Additionally, I am still reeling from losing a friend {to a non-COVID long term illness] back in late September. This is the first significant loss of a friend -- a woman I'd known for over 20 years and who was a big part in my growth as a person and as a Christ-follower. Thanksgiving was her favorite holiday-- so I'm especially mindful of her closest loved ones this week. 

 Brian and I will spend a couple days {driving--- we don't go near airports or airplanes} in Atlanta with my family. Brian continues to feel better as that poison that he'd been getting every three months slowly leaves his body. 

 I am just not " holly-jolly" this season. It is my hope and prayer that Advent will see me in a more cheerful, anticipatory mood. Advent is my favorite season of the church year--- to be honest I love Advent so much that Christmas Day is always a bit anticlimactic. 

  But this year-- at least so far-- I am full of " bah humbug".  To be honest, I see myself as responding to Reopening in a very cautious way. After a year of losses and setbacks, it scares me to even entertain Post-Pandemic Life. Brian and I {at my insistence} are still masking when we go anywhere among the general public. I still balk at indoor entertainment venues-- we had tickets to a choir concert at the university last week and an hour before we were scheduled to leave, I panicked and told Brian that I'd rather NOT go. My spouse, per usual, was grace-full and didn't bat an eye at my seemingly odd request to stay home. Tickets were free of charge, so no money was lost by my mini freak-out. 

 I think I am channeling my inner Grinch in part as a response to the trauma of the past 24 months. My soul cannot handle any more losses at this time, so perhaps I am Grinching as a defense or as a way to cope with the forced unnaturalness of COVID. 

 I just cannot take any more loss, so I am building walls to keep my psyche safe. 

 Bah humbug. 

 ~Sarah McCarren

11.22.21

Planners and Scary Things: How It is Going So Far...

           Moving towards a truly post-Pandemic life at turtle pace. Photo by The Pensacola Hippie

   I am putting the planner that I bought to good use--- faithfully scheduling each day, while leaving room for grace if plans need to change.  As we slide into a semi-" normal"  Holiday Season 2021, I am glad I chose to buy the planner. I bought it in good faith that COVID will remain more contained as children slowly get vaccinated. 

  Brian and I still mask in public indoors--- the few times we are mask less is if we know it is a safe environment . MOST people with whom we come in contact are vaccinated, and rates of infection here seem to be steadily on a decline. I allow the hope to become a wee bit of anticipation. 

  I think COVID is here to stay, in that a booster will be a yearly rite-- and I am okay with  rolling up my sleeve. 

  The spouse and I are making a BIG foray into " normal;" on Friday. We are attending a concert on Friday evening inside. { yes we will mask and use hand sanitizer} We will enjoy a concert by my old college choral group: The University Singers. The program is a piece that honors the life of Matthew Shepherd, a young man who was brutally murdered for being LGBTQ+ The tickets did not cost anything but were by reservation only. { My guess is to control the crowd} Neither Brian nor I have been to an indoor entertainment activity since before the onset of COVID Life. 

  This is also significant, because some of my best college memories occurred in that Music Hall-- and I remember fondly my UWF Singers conductor, Dr Lynne Lauderdale. I still miss " Doc" terribly, but wise women { yes, more than one} have said ' the only way around something is through it." Doc's birthday was earlier this month, and it will be a fitting tribute to my friend to return to the UWF Music Hall to enjoy some music while supporting my university's Music Program. 

  At turtle pace, I am allowing myself to feel more alive. After almost two years of existing in survival mode---I am out of practice on what it means to live.  Love of neighbors kept us secure in our homes and shunning any sort of public space--- as much as I loved attending the Homecoming UWF Football game in October-- there was a lot of anxiety regarding  other people that I had to put in the ' God Box' so I could enjoy the game experience. 

  The same will be true for this concert. COVID has whittled my trust in the general public, but I know that both Brian and I have done all we can to protect ourselves and those we love-- and those we don't even know. We are slowly stepping out into the wider world again. 

 However, some things are still off the table :

~ Movie Theatres 

~Bowling Alleys { I have not bowled in years anyway}

~Airplane Travel { Maybe in a couple years I'll feel safe getting on a plane, but flying makes me nervous anyway, TSA agents are gross and I'd always arrive home from a plane trip with some sort of minor ' crud'. }

~Gyms. { I like to work out by doing something outside, but cold/ rainy days used to be gym days. Not anymore} 

How's it going? The short answer is: not too badly. I'm grateful that Brian and I are healthy and can reasonably enjoy Life again by taking small steps.  I know this is not everyone's reality, and I accept we all are on different pages regarding Re-Entry.  Trusting God is easy. Trusting people: pointless. 

 I am glad I bought the planner. In faith, and knowing we do all we can to ensure safety of ourselves and others, we step out. 

  Shalom...

~Sarah McCarren

17 Nov 2021

 
 

I Bought a Day Planner

    Random photo of me {taken by Brian} during one of our UWF hikes. Outside, mask less & smiling. 

 Y'all, I did a thing today-- I did a scary thing. 

  I put my trust in The Divine and took a BIG " leap of faith". 

  I bought myself...........................................................................................

  A DAY PLANNER FOR YEAR 2022 

Brian dropped me off when the book & stationary store opened and I found a cute day planner. 

At the checkout line, I debated returning the day planner to the shelf. 

After all, who am I to tempt fate?  After almost two years of Pandemic Life--- with Year 2021 bearing several false starts towards The New Normal -- I felt wary of completing any action that spoke of hope for the next 12 months. 

During 2021, time & time again, my human siblings let me down. As was masking, in 2021 vaccination-- protecting oneself & other people from a potentially deadly virus-- became divisive.  It mattered not that the government ensured that no one would need to pay to receive the lives-saving series of shots in an arm. 

Whereas I anticipated Vaccination Days with hope and joy, other Americans {some whom I know & love} refused to line up for the shots. A surge in the virus this summer caused setbacks. While it looks like we'll eventually totally emerge into the Post-Pandemic World, I am scared that the misguided " Freedom Fighters" in my state & elsewhere will dig in their cattle-rustling boot heels and double down on their insistence to make choices that endanger others. 

I don't trust the general public anymore, but today I chose to err on the side of hope {and science} & purchased that day planner. Pre-Pandemic, Brian & I both had busy schedules that needed coordination. When the world shut down {allegedly} for two weeks " to flatten the curve" I thought " I can handle anything for two weeks. But weeks turned into months in 2020 as the pandemic continued ravaging the world. 

Many people are emerging from this pandemic experience with trauma-related neuroses. I, for one do not trust the general public-- Brian & I still faithfully mask up indoors in public spaces {such as retail stores} Both my spouse & I are vaccinated & boosted, but my concern is with the other humanoids I see in public. Later this month, we will attend our first indoor entertainment venue as we listen to The University of West Florida Singers present their Fall Concert. This venue-- the Music Hall in the UWF Center for Fine & Performing Arts-- is one that houses some of my fondest memories from college. Choir was my safe space--- where a motley crew of singers from all over the University community {not just music majors} gathered for music-making, team-building & where I found a sense of community on campus. 

Twenty years ago, I was much more trusting. Hell, five years ago I still believed that most humans are inherently good. I am not sure that is true--- not after 2020s-- Pandemic and Nasty Election Season. 

I bought the planner in part to reclaim my agency --- a self-determination that I gave up in order to protect myself & others from " La Rona" {as some friends call it} After almost two years of Pandemic Life-- I am not sure ow to begin Post-Pandemic Life. The day planner serves as a tangible reminder that I need to lean into my sense of hope & resiliency as we walk steadily but carefully into A.D. 2022. " La Rona" did not claim my life-- and it is up to me to decide how to spent the second act of life. 

I bought a Day Planner today. 

Amen. 

Sarah McCarren 

12 Nov 2021 

Journey Statement

                                                     I am a BIG fan of John Pavlovitz. 

Last evening Brian and I attended a Wednesday night programming {yes, we are slo-ow-ly moving into post-pandemic life} at our church. It was the last chapter of a four-week program on _Wellness_ and our rector presented on " spiritual wellness". 

It was quite good, but I am highlighting my biggest take-away from her presentation. I think this idea is good for several reasons, one main reason being that it can apply to any spiritual path--- it is not exclusive to we Christians.

A Journey Question, or Journey Statement, is one that should point us towards being our best selves. {In Christianity--being our best selves is spelled out by Jesus' Way of Love} How should we strive to live out our days on Earth? 

At the tail end of a pandemic, with many societal and several personal losses happening over the past two years, I've been pondering this question a lot lately. 

Why am I here. What is my legacy? How can I, Sarah, make the most out of the approximately 45 years {hopefully} that I've left to grace this Earth. I'll share some song lyrics that have been running in my head on auto-play lately. I am not a huge fan of country music, but these Tim McGraw lyrics beg the same question that I'm asking myself.... 

"And I loved deeper
And I spoke sweeter
And I gave forgiveness I'd been denyin' "

And he said "Someday I hope you get the chance
To live like you were dyin' "

Like tomorrow was the end
And ya got eternity to think about what to do with it
What you'll do with it?
What can I do with it?
What would I do with it?"  ~ Tim McGraw _ Live Like You Were Dying_

Living through this pandemic, plus the added fact that I am in my mid-forties-- has me feeling rather contemplative. How can I best live out my Baptismal Covenant -- and be the best version of myself-- during the second act of life? How can I be a servant-leader in my community and how can I best use the gifts granted to me by our Creator to serve others? 

I can, with God's help, make the world a better, kinder, more compassionate place. Will I screw up? Yes. Yet I rest secure that I am Beloved -- and each new days is a chance to do my part to promote kindness, compassion and love for all. 

We as a society are emerging from the ugliest season in my lifetime, and there are many communal and individual trauma wounds that we all need to nurse back to health. Covid-tide has taken its toll on our collective emotional, physical, mental and spiritual health. 

How will we use our allotment of post-pandemic time on Earth?  I, for one, am tired of all the ugliness that the pandemic brought to the surface.  Each day, let me strive to be light for others. 

Amen. 

~Sarah McCarren

11 Nov 2021

All the Saints : 2021

                Bright yellow rose: symbol of friendship. Photo By The Pensacola Hippie

November 1 is All Saints' Day, where we honor those who have moved on beyond Earth. 

In 2021 I lost five special people in my life. While all these good people's lives have impacted me in a positive way, there are some whom I'll miss forever. 

~ Conley " Bubba" Rockhold.-- Surf kayaker. Gym buddy of Dad's. 

~Frank " Beni" Habennicht--- Dad's best buddy since childhood and honorary " Uncle" to my brother and me. We'd not seen much of each other since we moved to Florida but " Uncle Beni" and his family are a huge part of my growing-up years. I still recall fondly the wonderful HUGE Independence Day parties at his house--- when all of Dad's high school crew and their families would gather for fun, friendship and LOTS of beer. He is missed . I'd wish we'd spent more time together when I grew up-- but that did not happen. Anyway, I know he loved me like a niece. 

~George Milner-- From the day I walked into Bible Study at St Christopher's , George made me feel welcome. He was a faithful attendee of both the Wednesday healing service { before COVID} and the early Sunday Mass. 
 

~ Anne Elizabeth McNallan McCarren- " Grandma Anne"  She is the only family member who introduced me, in a gentle  non-threatening manner, to the life of Jesus. She had a cut out letter sign  on her big Box TV set in the family room that said J-E-S-U-S. As a small child, I remember tracing these letter and asking Grandma Mac { a devout Catholic} Who or what this meant.  Grandma, in a real way, was my first religious instructor. She told me about the good things Jesus did, and how we humans should strive to be more like Him. I credit her as the person who introduced me to Jesus' Way of Love. Grandma also taught me to speak up and stand up for my values--- even in Red-as-Blood Butler County, Pennsylvania. I am the eldest of 15 grandchildren on this side of the family tree-- so I was the recipient of a lot of weekends with the McCarren grandparents. Grandma always had Sunday Dinner-- when all the immediate family would come together for food and whatever Pittsburgh-area sports team was playing during any time of year. As the grandchildren grew up, fewer showed up for Sunday Dinner--- but she faithfully fed her family from her kitchen each week. 

This is the hardest one...

~Dr Lynne Allison " Doc" Lauderdale-- my University Of West Florida choir  conductor and someone who became a dear friend and mentor. Doc also was influential in my faith development. She LIVED a life of Christ's Way of Love. She and I mostly communicated via email daily for 20 years. Grandma Anne introduced me to Jesus, but Doc showed me how to best imitate Him. After Doc died, I was heartened to see all the tributes to this amazing , talented, beautiful woman whose smile  reflected her soul. She is missed by so many friends & family in Pensacola and other places. Doc was only 67 years old-- but packed a lot of life into her short time on Earth. I know she wants me to live a healthy, life full of service to others -- and that is what I shall continue to do. Through our emails, phone calls and in person time, Doc was the greatest ' life-lessons' teacher God could have granted me. Her Homegoing { as she would say} is still fresh but I know she would want me to do my best to live well for others. I was blessed to have Doc in my life for 22 years-- and I know she is healthy & whole. 

Blessed All Saints' Day, folks. 

~Sarah McCarren

11/1 21

Three Years Later: Pittsburgh 11

Three years ago today I was with some people from my church on a work trip to storm-ravaged Panama City, FL. I logged onto Facebook to post some photos of the { undamaged }worship space at St Andrews's Episcopal Church, our " home base" for the work trip. 

 I saw several posts from people all over the nation .

 " Prayers for Pittsburgh"

  Whaaaat? 

  Quickly I flipped to the Yahoo News app on my phone and learned that 11 souls who were worshipping at Tree of Life Synagogue in Pittsburgh were gunned down by a bigot who let it be known on the Dark Web that his mission was deadly. 

  11 souls met their untimely demise simply because they, as Jewish-Americans, were worshipping in their synagogue. 

  Three years later, I wonder: Have we learned anything? 

  I'll never feel truly safe in worship again--- there is always that one chance that a person { usually a skinny, White " man child" will take out his rage on another house of worship--- including my own. 

 The pervasive cultural " norm" of White Straight Male Power has to stop. We are living in a multicultural, multi-faith, multilingual , globally-orientated time. People with my skin pigmentation are becoming a smaller segment of the fabric that is the USA. I am a Christian, but my Jewish heritage makes me take the events in Pittsburgh three years ago very seriously. 

  What have we learned in three years? We learned that some White  men still feel threatened by women { especially women-of-color} non-Christians { Muslims face more persecution than Jews.. but Jews are NOT exempt} people who identify as one or more of the LGBTQA+ alphabet soup and the working poor. 

 Many people in my life belong to one of the groups listed above, and it is days such as today that remind me how fractured this so-called " United States" really is now. 

 I wonder if maybe we were never ' united" in the first place. 

 Frankly, as a Christian, I am weary of Holy Scripture being used as weapons against " others". This is not a new problem--- our Scriptures { both Old and New Testaments} have been used to justify nearly every horrid act humans have committed against each other since the Canon was closed in 325 A.D. 

When I first arrived at The University of West Florida-- a relatively new Christian, I saw  people on the sidewalks yelling such phrases as " Jews Are Evil " Sinners Repent Now"  and { the worst " God Hates F___ "}

 My thoughts were: I did not sign up for this nonsense when I was baptized. Should I give up Christianity & go back to my own weird ways of communing with The Divine? 

 I went to the one person I know on campus who would not judge me for asking questions: My choir director. " Doc" Lynne listened with no judgement about why I felt repelled by the signs of  my faith on campus. Over the course of the semester she offered me Bible passages to read and ponder--- passages that shows Jesus as a champion of the poor, the powerless and the downtrodden. 

 Those of us fortunate enough to be able to gather on Saturday and celebrate the life and legacy of my dear friend were remined that people who follow Jesus, the Brown-skinned , born-in-a-barn travelling rabbi follow a Way of Love. Doc-- as human and therefore imperfect as everyone else-- lived her life daily as a follower of a Jesus Who came to show humans what Love Incarnate resembled. 

 I am sure Jesus would have wept at learning of the fallen 11 Pittsburgh Jews who were martyred three years ago today. I weep this day and every day that there is violence against people for simply being who God created them to be. 

 May my life -- as imperfect as I am-- reflect the Way of Love. 

Amen. 

~Sarah McCarren

27 Oct 2021
 

NEW: I Re-Started Twitter

 

Hey Tweeps.....

I know I've not been a faithful blogger lately, but a trip to the local emergency room on Sunday led me to be pretty much chair-bound for a couple days-- and writing from my lap in an easy chair is hard for me. 

I am fine, just was severely dehydrated and lacking some essential proteins in my diet. I stayed in the ER ward while they pumped me full of fluids via IV line and have the bruise on my right arm to prove it. OUCH. Anyway, I've a follow-up with my primary care doctor tomorrow to discuss a new eating/ supplemental plan. Right now I am downing what seems like oceans of water. 

 The other news is that I am back on Titter. My handle is @PensacolaHippie, and my " name" that appears as the owner of that social account is Pensacola Hippie. I'm trying to maintain my online " brand and synch all my social media. 

 This Twitter WILL NOT be about partisan politics. I plan to post pictures of my dog, re-tweets from the SVU and OC fandom. Mariska + Chris= BEAUTIFUL . and some Christian { Episcopal/Catholic-leaning} posts. I may throw in some Pittsburgh Sports tweets as well. GO STEELERS! GO PENGUINS! 

If you follow any of my old accounts, feel free to unfollow. Honestly I do not even remember the passwords, so those are useless. 

 Twitter and I have had a complicated relationship, but this time I'm the user calling the shots. So I am asking my followers to respect my wishes and NOT involve me in Twitter flame wars. Life is way too damn short for that nonsense. I will NOT post any partisan stuff , either in order to hold myself to my Twitter standards. I also WILL NOT  @Collab with ANYONE--- even someone whom I know in real life. I wish to be a boring middle-aged housewife who uses Twitter for fun--- I'm too old and way too square to be a future " influencer"{ what IS a Social Media Influencer ? I'm clearly to old to understand and that is fine with me. 

Feel free to drop your Twitter handles in the Facebook comments...

Peace...

~Sarah

Butterfly Tears

                             Butterfly, as seen on my evening walk. Photo by The Pensacola Hippie

I've been using these cooler late afternoon hours to walk more. { one of the many aspects of Florida Autumns that I love--- perfect walking weather}

 I am also making a point of being more mindful of my surroundings  in Nature-- my part of Pensacola is full of " green"  I had turned around at my about-face spot and saw something orange flying by some wild flowers. Quickly I pulled up my phone app and snapped photos of the delicate creature. 

 I continued home, tears of gratitude forming in my eye. I'd spent most of yesterday lamenting the fact that it has been over two weeks since the death of my dear friend, Lynne. Somehow, the butterfly's appearance reminded me that " Doc" Lynne and I shared a long , loyal friendship-- up until her last days. 

 When I arrived at The University of West Florida as a transfer student I was-- as the lingo of today says " a hot mess" . At the tender age of 23-- I was considered too old to be a ' traditional' student, so I arrived on campus convinced that I'd go to class, do my work, and return home.  

 On the first day of classes I realized that I needed a Fine Arts Credit: Always singing since childhood, I signed up for the open { no audition} required University Singers. This is when and how I met " Doc" a tiny woman whose smile lit up any space. 

 Doc and I continued our co-respondence  { mostly via email} after my time at UWF had come to a close. In addition to teaching duties at the university, Doc maintained an active private studio at her home and served on Sundays as the organist at First Baptist Church. 

 I was slightly less of a " hot mess" after college, but still lived a troubled life. I made some poor choices both in my professional and personal life. Unlike people who have known me since childhood, Doc never judged me. When some poor choice I made concerned her { and there were plenty of them!} she always admonished me from a place of Christian love. 

We trusted each other. She opened up to me about situations in her life that I still will not divulge to anyone. Doc and I enjoyed a long friendship that was build on mutual trust and respect--- even when we didn't agree.

 For instance  she could never figure out why I was-- and still am --a huge fan of Ani Difranco's music. She wanted to know why I listen to " angry woman music" and I told her. " Because Ani Difranco has the chutzpah to pour her truth into her words and music." {Plus, Ms Difranco said things in her songs/poems that I felt, but dared not say in conservative Northwest Florida. }

Back to the butterfly: I'll miss " Doc" forever on this side of Paradise, The butterfly I saw tonight remined me that God sent her to me to help me get all the messy gooey parts that lived inside my chrysalis put together into the fully-formed , airborne  butterfly that people know today. 

 The butterfly reminded me that I lost those who did  know me since childhood--- and I will miss them too. But they only knew " caterpillar and " chrysalis " Sarah--- I left Greater Pittsburgh as an extremely delicate , thin-skinned chrysalis. People I love who live 1000 miles from me -- good people whom I only see once per year { before COVID} did not witness the growth that my parents, my spouse, and Doc have witnessed over the past two decades. 

 I mourn Doc's death harder than I mourn others  I've lost recently because she saw my potential as a full person. She believed in me. She never led by force, but embodied that of a servant-leader & teacher. 

Thank you God, for butterflies that remind us of our Earthly journeys and the people who help us form into what YOU know we can be. 

In the Name of The Creator, Redeemer, Sustainer....

Amen. 

~Sarah McCarren

 

Two Weeks

 

                                      Random Photo of Christ Episcopal Church, Savannah, GA. Photo by The Pensacola Hippie. 

Two weeks tonight, I received a text that changed my world. From Lynne's phone { since I had her number in my contacts } that was her husband saying Lynne had been moved to a hospice care center here.  After my last " in person" visit with Lynne; this new came as no surprise but it still felt like a punch in the gut. 

 Tomorrow will be two weeks since Lynne died. She was surrounded by those nearest & dearest to her and for that I am grateful. 

 But tonight I just do not have any words. 

 Grief is a by-product of loving someone. 

 But that does not mean that the sting disappears on any sort of timeline. 

 Early grief is raw. Wounds are open and bleeding. Yes, eventually I'll need to " worry about caring for the living { someone I know actually SAID this to me -- thinking it would help.}  Sheesh-- its been only two weeks. I remind myself Lynne is gone every time I open my email  or phone and not see a message from her. 

 This is hard shit. And for the love of all that is good : only TWO WEEKS have passed since she died. 

 Platitudes suck. 

~Sarah McCarren

10/12/21

Creativity, Grief and Gratitude

                                     Unknown Artist's mural in Boone, NC. Photo by Brian. 

"Creative practices can also help you deepen your connection to that which is lost. Death doesn't end a relationship, it changes it." ~ Megan Devine _Its OK That You're NOT OK_._

I am a creative person. From the time I could hold a crayon, I wanted to draw and paint. From the time I read picture books, I wanted to tell stories. It is my theory that we humans are hard-wired for creating beauty--- for expressing ourselves via all the arts. 

  I believe that all humans have the ability to be creative--- it just manifests itself in different ways-- in all sorts of media. For instance, I would be a terrible jewelry maker-- I don't possess the eye-hand co-ordination to string small pieces together. As a result, I REALLY appreciate the efforts of those who make jewelry. 

  My friend, Lynne, was an artist. She spent her career around making music. She was an accomplished composer, performer, teacher , choir conductor, and accompanist . As a matter of fact, she composed the tune for the Alma Mater of The University Of West Florida. 

 She also played the piano and organ at our wedding. 

 I am a writer, painter and photographer. To tell the truth, these articles I write of my journey with grief over Lynne's  death are a way that I can process the loss at this stage.. She appreciated the photos I would email to her from various adventures in my life-- especially the Nature photos from my hikes around the Greater Pensacola area and other places. 

  In our emails Lynne and I shared snippets-- short stories of our lives. Sometimes a conversation thread would be short--- other times it would be so long we would agree to start a new conversation thread because the one we were too ponderous. 

 I miss starting emails with " Dear Doc" after so many years of daily communication. As the child of a teacher, Lynne always corrected any { rare} grammatical or punctuational errors in my notes to her! 

 But Lynne's no longer being " here" does not mean that she and I cannot communicate. I have not picked up my colored pencils or paints since she died, but I am hoping that -- when I am at work on a project--- I'll feel her presence with me--- just differently. 

 Lynne was a perfectionist when it came to her art-- and I've learned much about perfecting my work from her example. She also was very much an individual: She played the piano like no other person I've known. Her playing style was inexplicable-- at least to me-- but I knew it when I heard it. 

  During the Pandemic, I renewed my hobby of acrylic painting and in time, found my own artistic " style". 

  Honestly, one of the best parts about sharing an over 20 year friendship with Lynne is she helped me began to accept, then like, and finally love the woman whom God created as Sarah McCarren. Creative people understand each other, and I am so grateful that God put Lynne in my path. 

  She encouraged me to be bold-- both with the artistic endeavors and in life. 

  Tonight, I give thanks for all  artists--- especially Lynne. 

Bless the creators, O God of creation,
who by their gifts make the world
a more joyful and beautiful realm.
Through their labors
they teach us to see more clearly
the truth around us.
In their inspiration
they call forth wonder and awe
in our own living.
In their hope and vision
they remind us
that life is holy.
Bless all who create in your image,
O God of creation.
Pour your Spirit upon them
that their hearts may sing
and their works be fulfilling.
Amen.

~Sarah McCarren

10/11/21