Not so " Holly-Jolly "

                                                                My Betta fish, Luna. 

 Thanksgiving Day is Thursday ya'll.  Advent 1 begins on November 28 {which happens to be our wedding anniversary} 

  The ' most wonderful time of the year' is upon us. Frankly I'm not feeling too jolly. Last year's COVID holiday was rough-- and I honestly thought I'd be at a better " place" this year. After all, there are vaccines, and life is slowly opening up. 

  I am still reeling from so much ugliness, and while taking baby steps to live somewhat of a post-pandemic life, I struggle daily to remember how blessed I am. 

  Additionally, I am still reeling from losing a friend {to a non-COVID long term illness] back in late September. This is the first significant loss of a friend -- a woman I'd known for over 20 years and who was a big part in my growth as a person and as a Christ-follower. Thanksgiving was her favorite holiday-- so I'm especially mindful of her closest loved ones this week. 

 Brian and I will spend a couple days {driving--- we don't go near airports or airplanes} in Atlanta with my family. Brian continues to feel better as that poison that he'd been getting every three months slowly leaves his body. 

 I am just not " holly-jolly" this season. It is my hope and prayer that Advent will see me in a more cheerful, anticipatory mood. Advent is my favorite season of the church year--- to be honest I love Advent so much that Christmas Day is always a bit anticlimactic. 

  But this year-- at least so far-- I am full of " bah humbug".  To be honest, I see myself as responding to Reopening in a very cautious way. After a year of losses and setbacks, it scares me to even entertain Post-Pandemic Life. Brian and I {at my insistence} are still masking when we go anywhere among the general public. I still balk at indoor entertainment venues-- we had tickets to a choir concert at the university last week and an hour before we were scheduled to leave, I panicked and told Brian that I'd rather NOT go. My spouse, per usual, was grace-full and didn't bat an eye at my seemingly odd request to stay home. Tickets were free of charge, so no money was lost by my mini freak-out. 

 I think I am channeling my inner Grinch in part as a response to the trauma of the past 24 months. My soul cannot handle any more losses at this time, so perhaps I am Grinching as a defense or as a way to cope with the forced unnaturalness of COVID. 

 I just cannot take any more loss, so I am building walls to keep my psyche safe. 

 Bah humbug. 

 ~Sarah McCarren

11.22.21