Me at the West End of Pensacola Beach Photo By Brian.
In a week I will turn 44 years old. I decided to observe my birthday week with a series of reflections on middle age and how much better my life is now. I've named this series #ThisIs44. Don't wish me " happy birthday" yet, the actual day that I'll be halfway to age 88 is Sunday, May 17.
Today I want to discuss body positive imaging. As someone who grew up when women were either skinny like Twiggy or all " boobs and butt" like J-Lo, I developed an internalized hatred of my flat-chested-leggy, small-shouldered body. Two major surgeries done at the tender age of twelves only expediated my body dysmorphia. After spending a summer either flat on my back in Pittsburgh Children's Hospital and then stuck inside in a back brace was a recipe for disaster for a sensitive preteen girl who loved sports, swimming at the lake, and a certain brown-eyed little boy.
I was " quarantined" in the house until school started. My playmates could come see me, but I was too medically-fragile to go outside and play with them. During my time in the hospital, I'd developed a disdain for daytime television that caries until now. I'm grateful that my parents instilled a love of reading in me, as I passed many a lonely day reading _The Babysitters' Club_ books and even { much to my parent's distaste} _Sweet Valley High_ books.
My seventh-grade year began, and I hated the fact that my wardrobe was restricted to clothing that had elastic waistlines -- they fit over the bulky plastic brace. Additionally, since my temporary condition labeled me " handicapped", I could not ride the school bus to school with all the other middle school kids. I had to be driven to school. I also was, due to my fragile back, prohibited from taking Physical Education , which further set me apart from classmates at an age when all preteens want is to fit in with their peers. Before surgery, I had dreams of being on the seventh grade girls' basketball team, but scoliosis surgery robbed me of that dream and I felt very bitter towards the girls who got to play.
M surgeries, and months spent in the back brace afterwards, set the stage for a body-image problem that lasted well into my third decade. Life at home got so bad that my parents enrolled me in a three-month residential program. Naturally I resented them for years for placing me there but in retrospect their choice probably saved my life.
As an athlete in high school, I struggled with food issues. Although the surgeries corrected my curve, my shoulders still are not even and clothing shopping was hellish for me. As an athlete, my weight-training regime looked different from other girls' because the metal in my back precluded me from doing some of the other lifting done by my teammates. As a result, I was physically weaker than most of the girls, and got knocked down a lot during practice and games. I hated being the " weak link" on the team, but I loved the game. In retrospect, track & field should have been the sport on which I focused, as my long legs and little frame made me an excellent mid-distance runner.
I'm grateful to finally be healed of hating my body--- and glad that I am a trim, muscular { at least in the legs-- my upper body is always gonna be a bit off-center} 40-something woman. I have a spouse who loves me not ** just** for my trim figure, but for my intellect, creativity and genuine weirdness. I've come to the conclusion that my body will never be " curvy" and I focus on the parts of myself that I like, such as my long legs. I've also learned from fashion icons { both celebrity and in real life} how to dress as a tall, slender woman who isn't " curvy" on top. I'll tell you who my favorite celebrity fashion icon is: Carly Simon
Another skinny { but short} style I con whose look I adore is of singer/songwriter Ani Difranco. She rocks the outfit she wears for her book cover shoot.
Ani Difranco. Photo Copyrighted by her publisher.
I am also blessed to have several women who are past a certain age and from whom I take fashion hints. For instance, one of them showed me that skirts { mid-length } worn with sandals and a solid0colored shirt works well for my leggy, yet skinny upper body. Sleeveless and spaghetti strap dresses generally need some kind of wrap. I get cold indoors qften, and my shoulders are still too skinny.
Middle-age is hard on many people, but thankfully I've taken care of myself. My vital signs are perfect, and my workouts strengthen both my physical and mental/emotional health. Life during this pandemic is hard for all, but , as my priest reminded me I've been through worse " storms" in my life. On Sunday I'll be forty-four years old--- halfway to eighty-eight and I've never felt better. Sure my knees and ankles hurt from old sports' injuries, but my cardiovascular system is still in top shape. Our dog, a young hound, keeps my arms in shape and I do my best to get three miles { or 10,000 steps} in each day. If I do not make that magic number-- I don't stress.
My relationship with food is also healthier. Moderation is key--I don't restrict any type of food due to calorie count. For instance last evening Brian and I were at my parents' house and I enjoyed a chocolate cupcake with buttercream icing for dessert. { I have a huge affinity for chocolate--- especially DARK chocolate}. Since I took over the grocery shopping due to COVID19, I've looked for good prices on berries { I love them} as a substitute for cookies for dessert. Blue and blackberries are my absolute favorite fruit.
Middle age is great, because it is when many of us finally figure out that our physicals selves are beautiful as our Creator created us. I'll never have a butt like J-lo or Shakira { both women are gorgeous, in my opinion} but I'm ok wit the long runner's legs that carry me on walks on the beach, around my city nd anywhere I want or need to travel. Orthopedic shoes have matured in the last twenty years, and I am no longer ashamed of the " ugly" sandals that my messed-up spine requires. Sport sandals and sandals with extra support are a bit more expensive than the cheap but cute shoes I see at TJMaxx, but they are worth every penny .
Middle age is when women { and men} should say " Hello world this is ME. This is the body in which I live, and I am OK with ME. "
Namaste, anam caras… Be YOU!
~Sarah
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