Another Month, at least #CoronaVirusLife

April will be a bust. 

America is shut down for at least another four weeks. People are still not following orders for physical distancing, and more people are falling ill. I am not sure which numbers to believe regarding the numbers of people with the virus nor am I set to believe any damn thing out of Washington, DC. 

 I am scared. For me, fear manifests itself in either anger { more like rage} or extreme depression. Two weeks into this My spouse puts up with fits of rage-- and I am quite possibly the luckiest person to have landed Brian. I know I am currently not an easy person with whom to share a home. Fear makes me angry. Anger makes me sad.  Sadness, unchecked, can lead me into deep depression that can be dangerous. 

No one should be collateral damage in this fight against COVID19 Yet for many people who are prone to mental illness-- that is the risk that we face daily. Self-care has been a daily struggle for me, and I am blessed with a spouse, friends, family and a faith community who love me. 

Even with all this support-- fighting mental illness in quarantine is damn hard. 

Why don't people discuss the effects of quarantine on metal health? While isolation is necessary-- I find it hard to believe that I am the only person on the planet who is willing to name  the detrimental effects that this necessary quarantine has on the human mind. 

For another four weeks, please check in on people. Check on people who have known mental health issues and those who say " I'm okay". Check especially on those who seem to be putting on that " stiff upper lip". 

Love your people-- even if it is from a distance. 

Keep being human . 

Peace...

Sarah

#CoronaVirusLife : Little Blessings

I'll get real right now.

I HATE this isolation that Coronavirus has forced humanity into. Especially as someone whose would had been really small during my younger years due to extreme shyness-- Coronavirus has me sometimes feeling like my world has shrunk.

The only other human whose in-person company I enjoy has been my spouse. As much as I love Brian---I don't want my world to shrink to just we two.

The newish technology is a God-send.  The times when I am scheduled to chat with my people via Zoom have become the most sacred times of my days.

One of the challenges of these days is for me to find at least one blessing-- no matter how small. This can be hard if I allow my mental/spiritual health to take a downward spiral-- so I am mindful of catching myself when the slipping occurs

Today on my morning walk I spied a bumblebee pollenating a purple flower.

Purple is my favorite color-- and Mom says that I've " taken to purple" since early childhood. Many people here consider these flowers weeds, but I love the bright purple hues that pop up  everywhere on my walking route. This morning I saw a bumblebee polinating one of the purple flowers. I stopped and gave quiet thanks for both purple flowers and bumblebees. 

Life with little in-person contact with other people has opened my eyes to the wonder and beauty that often is not noticed every day. 

Not long ago Brian and I were enjoying the waterfront at a nearly empty { empty of humans} waterfront park. Brian set up his fishing gear and my eye caught a Blue Heron  sunning itself  while looking for fish. I marveled at the beauty  of the long-legged bird as I quietly walked in the water to get closer. 

Birdsa nd bees do not worry about deadly viruses, nor are they displaced by mandatory physical distancing . They just wake up each day and live their lives in the moment.  Perhaps that is the take-away lesson from each Little Blessing that Nature bestows upon me.

Namaste...

~Sarah

The " Lentiest Lent" #CoronavirusLife

For many Christians, this is The Lentiest Lent that we have ever Lented"  If there is any meme out there that describes this Coronavirus pandemic journey for we Christians, it is that one. To keep ourselves and others safe we are forced into an Extreme Lent. Everything we know has been turned Upside Down. 

Nothing is the same in our world, and it is damn scary. As people , we are seeking out new ways to be human-- to satisfy that longing for meaningful connections with others while maintaining the physical distance necessary that will stop the spreading of this virus. 

People such as myself and my spouse seek out places in Nature that have not been closed by the authorities in order to keep people from gathering in big groups. In addition to worshipping in person with my community, I { along with everyone else} have been forced to stay away from the healing Gulf waters and salt air of local beaches. Brian and I have used our knowledge of our city and surrounding area to find low-population places that have unspoiled Nature. 

My cousin's long-anticipated visit to the Gulf Coast was also put on hold until later this summer.  Pennsylvania, where she lives, is shut down, Delta has canceled all flights from the airport there and my cousin lives with a person who is vulnerable . 

For sure, this is the most extreme Lenten season of my life-- and I do not always handle the  restrictions well. Since these bans started coming into place I find myself waffling between quiet, hope-full resignation and outburst of extreme anger/ sadness/ frustration. This is the first Lenten season in my life where I've questioned the existence { in my very wort moments} of The loving God of Abraham and Sarah. In my dark moments, I cannot figure out why God sent this plague { Coronavirus} to smite humans and force others into physical isolation from loved ones. Why would a God that created Nature for humans to enjoy send a virus that makes it necessary to stay away from Nature and its healing { mind body, and soul} properties? 

During this extreme Lent I've understood how people-- after facing some tragedy or trauma, decide that God does not exist. It pans me to say it: but I see how a person can decide that God's Way isn't real. 

In my darkest moments I look to what I know is from God. 

Sharing coffee in the morning with my spouse. 

Taking the dog on a walk around the neighborhood & stopping to listen to the birds sing. 

Seeing a pretty native North Florida plant and snapping a photo to send to my botanist friend for identification. 

Chats with friends from around the nation via Facebook 

Anticipating the joy of seeing loved one's faces when a few of us from church meet on Zoom for Compline & check-in. 

yes, we are in a long, dark Lent. But I have faith that we'll see a glorious Resurrection -- in God's own time. Knowledge that this draconian, Upside Down existence is temporary helps me remain centered and is the string that keeps me believing in a loving God. 

Easter is coming. 

Amen.

~Sarah

Today I cried : #CoronavirusLife

 There is no doubt in my mind that it is necessary-- and an act of radical LOVE -- for people to distance ourselves physically until this virus is somewhat under control. However, there is no doubt that this sort of un-natural behavior is taking its toll on many people. 

 I've cussed , yelled, argued and pleaded with the Coronavirus outbreak. However, I managed to keep the tears away. 

Until today. 

My downfall was attending virtual Healing Mass online . there is something sad about two priests celebrating Mass in an empty chapel of a vibrant parish.  Even though physical distancing is the most loving act we can do for each other participating in Mass remotely is different.  The cameraperson did a great job , and I'd almost forgotten that I was worshipping remotely 

That is, until my two priests celebrated Communion. I'd started to cry when the prayers of consecration were being said, but I managed to hold my tears to a sniffle. Brian sat next to me and I really did not want to explain my tears to him. 

 I kept control of the waterworks  until my priests walked down the center aisle and saod " Christ's body, broken for you." "Christ's blood, shed for you." 

Yup...  water flowed at full force. 

Looking back, I think that I was FINALLY allowing myself to feel the effects of the temporary ban on being in community.  Online community building is wonderful, but some parts of life together cannot translate to the virtual world. The feeling of the Bread being pressed gently into my hand by a priest I love cannot be duplicated virtually. The smell of the wine in the chalice cannot translate over the internet. 

Dealing with this reality & the limitations therof hit me in the heart, soul and gut today. 

I cried. 

Tears are healing. 

Take care of yourself...

~Sarah

How #CoronavirusLife has changed me

Greetings to everyone!  I hope everyone is safe and staying sane during this outbreak. Much has changed and I find myself especially  missing my parish family during this outbreak. To be honest, it has been a challenge for me to wake every day and face this temporary " new normal" Brian and I are blessed with food shelter  and means in which we can keep in contact with our loved ones during this time of physical distancing. 

Brian and I spend a lot of time walking outdoors {we are staying away from people} I've re-discovered the Nature Trail at The University Of West Florida, and we make use of this beautiful walking trail often. Since the public beaches are closed, Brian and I are getting creative with finding ways to get the much-needed fresh air and sunshine. Prince Harry, our hound dog, enjoys the added early evening walk every day. 

Additionally, I've started posting a Facebook LIVE video each morning . I've discovered that this method helps me feel connected to people I love  I am really grateful for the opportunities online for worship & spiritual formation. Although I miss receiving Communion, knowing that both of our priests are at the altar consecrating the Body and Blood of Christ redefines " spiritual food for me. 

I miss everyone terribly, but I know that God has us all in God's hands and we'll see each other when this is over. Until then, remember that " Love Travels" 

~Sarah 

#CoronavirusLife Physical Distancing for an Ex-Shy Person

  The photo I chose for today is one of Brian and me attending Pensacola's Mardi Gras parade -- a mere week before COVID 19 hit the shores of the United States. We were so innocent then, feeling like we were invincible from the virus that ravaged other nations. 

  And now here we are. I'm stuck with limited physical contact with those whom I love , and it sucks. As much as I love my spouse, my soul longs for some good " girl-time "with some friends. 

  Florida isn't totally shut down yet, but I am anticipating news that we'll be the next state to have a " Stay at home order" Frankly, although I totally understand the necessity for such orders I not in a good mental place. 

  For most of my life, I've been pathologically shy. { YES!!! }  My shyness hit its all-time worst when I was in middle and high school--- after I had two spinal surgeries to correct severe scoliosis during the summer of seventh grade my mental health too a dive. 

  High school was hell. Although I played on sports teams, my shyness kept me from any sort of social life . Dating was totally out-of-the-question. I was so shy that I was the girl at the home football game who walked the parameter of the stadium alone.  Yup , in spite of my participation in sports, I surely was an outsider looking in on all the fun parts of teenaged life Prom? Didn't happen for me either year that I was eligible to attend. As a matter of fact, I did not go to my first dance with a date until a college Homecoming . I was twenty years old. 

   Loser? Yup, that was High School Sarah. 

  Had a pandemic such as the one we are living through hit during high school, I would be that kid who joyfully stayed home and did co-respondence work on an old Brother word-processor} I lived for " snow days", as staying at home meant that I would not subject myself to abuse from other girls in the restrooms and lonely lunchtimes. Staying home meant that I could read to my heart's content and not stress over my clothing. 

  Wow-- What a difference over a quarter-century makes. Anyone who knows me knows that I'm much more of an ambivert. I crave social time with people I like, and this physical-distancing has been hard on my psyche. Technology is wonderful, but NOTHING can replace shared meals with friends, worshipping together with the faith community & not washing my hands every few minutes at my parents' house { they are both " of age" & need to be careful}  As a matter of fact, I m hoping { providing that ZOOM is not overwhelmed with use} to join my faith community for Virtual Night Prayer this evening. 

  When I was younger, I'd beg God to take away my shyness. At middle-age, I'm learning that shyness is a trait that has its own merits. 

  Understanding why life must be this way for awhile does not cover my frustration, anger and sadness. I'm a ' people person" & I've worked hard over my adult life to overcome painful shyness. and living in isolation is not good for my mental health

  In Love...…..

 ~Sarah

#CoronavirusLife Virtual Worship Beach Closings & Wanderings

   Brian and I tried a new thing this morning. Since our Bishop ordered all in-person church events { including worship} suspended for now due to the COVID19 outbreak, we joined our clergy and other members of our parish family on Facebook Live this morning. 

It was GREAT to "see" faces and hear voices of loved ones. Even though I was sitting at my desk at home, I felt intimately connected to " my people". It was a nice respite from the grim reality that is life during a pandemic. I'm grateful for a community that is united in LOVE and for clergy & church staff who are committed to maintaining our real, rooted & relevant connections during this time away. 

Perhaps it is a nod to my Jewish heritage, but I feel like one of the Israelites-- wandering aimlessly away from a deadly foe. 

 Yet at the same time, I felt bitter sweet.  In the span of a week, this virus' outbreak has taken away so much of what I love-- I'm finding it hard to stay positive in this season of life. Daily I remind myself to " not borrow trouble" as society as I know it appears to fold into itself. This is a hard practice  when everything has changed. 

There are more closings daily-- and although I understand the need for such closings { some people just do not know when to heel advice that can saves lives!!}it is eerie for me to think about armed cops keeping people away from our beaches , and until Saturday the beach had been my safe ' thin place'. I'd not always been the { fairly} well-adjusted adult whom many people know-- and time { literally HOURS} soaking up sun and salt air was part of my healing. 

To be honest, I was taking this Coronavirus Life changes in stride until my beaches closed. That was the proverbial straw that broke this camel's back. 

Lately I find myself waffling between logic and fear/anger. 

I read a lot of dystopian literature, and the image that came to mind tonight is that of Suzanne Collins' _The Hunger Games_ trilogy. States closing their borders to outsiders-- all sorts of misinformation oozing from The Capitol , citizens hoarding food and supplies with no regard for others' needs. It is a part of humanity that is totally unfamiliar to me. 

I live day to day. We all do. 

Namaste,

~Sarah