Working Through Grief During Covid: Part Two

                                      Safely masked outdoors in Hendersonville, NC . Photo by Brian

Part Two of essays I am writing as I work my brain though all the shitty stuff that COVID has thrown my way in the past 8 months. In addition to the death of my Grandmother, my family has suffered deaths{ from lung cancer and COPD} of two men who have been a part of my extended family here and in Pennsylvania. 

One of these men, who has been my dad's best friend since they were both small children, finally lost his battle with lung cancer. I've know this man & his wife since birth and my brother & I refer to him as " Uncle Beni". I am grateful that I got to introduce Beni & his wife to Brian & make some good memories here in Florida & in Atlanta before the cancer took over. I feel my Dad's sadness { empathic mixed-bag gift} & my own sadness. It is strange to think that when I eventually return to Pennsylvania neither Beni nor Grandma Anne will be there. As a matter of fact, I have BIG misgivings regarding returning to Bumpkinville, Pennsylvania at all. I was the fish out of water in Bumpkinville, and only a few relatives -- especially my Grandmother did there best to love me as I am. 

As I realize how much I really don't want to return to Bumpkinville, this makes me sad. Spending a week in the western North Carolina mountains last month re-connected me to some loved ones in a place that is soul-feeding. So maybe COVID has taught me that I really do not belong in Bumpkinville-- and probably remained a " stranger" there for my childhood & very early adulthood. 

Another person I know-- who was more of a friend of my parents than of Brian & me-- died of a lung condition. Due to COVID restrictions-- he could not receive any visitors. When his time came to move to whatever is next after Earthly life, the Celebration of Life was postponed Since this friend of my parents was not really in our " circle", Brian & I opted out of the Celebration. But for the people who knew & loved this man the most-- I am grateful that they got their closure in a ritual that meant a lot to " Bubba" & other surfers. 

Update on my anticipatory grief: I've talked to some trusted people { one was my first priest & one of the most Christ-Centered humans I know} who assure me that I am handling all the big feelings as best I can. 

Humans, but especially people of faith, are not meant to be soloists. Community upholds us when we are feeling stricken and weary to hold up ourselves. 

Amen...

Sarah McCarren

14 August 2021