"Grief was that relative I heard stories about. I knew her in the way I knew Uncle Gerald, someone I never met but learned so much about. Then my husband died, and there Grief was, shaking my hand. I offered her the guest bedroom, scrambling to make it comfortable, but not too comfortable because I didn’t want her to stay long. Instead of the guest bedroom, she marched right into my bedroom and dropped her heavy bags. Years later, she’s still with me, now an old friend, someone to sip martinis with and remember." — Barbara Phillips (originally published in Modern Love on March 30, 2021)
Dear Grief....
I'm expecting you to visit me. I know not when you will arrive, but I am doing my best to daily prepare space in my house for you. Right now, I must guard my house, and not allow your anticipated arrival to prevent me from tending to the life I have now.
I am blessed, as I have a support system here that will help me reluctantly welcome you into the house. My spouse has met you before, but in a different situation . You have also made yourself quite comfortable in the homes of my parents and Dad's siblings after Grandma died back in December. Thanks to COVID, I was not in Pennsylvania with you and my relatives. But I know you were there and I did the best I could to support my long-distance family members
I do not anticipate your arrival with joy. Nevertheless, I know that you come because Love happened. I don't regret love---- and am wrestling with the fact that Love will always lead to Grief visiting. I know I will need to sit with you once you get here-- and to be honest , I'd rather just show you to your room and never talk to you. But because of Love, I must deal with your visits.
"Grief is just love with no place to go” ~ Jamie Anderson
I give thanks for the 45 years that I loved my Grandma on Earth and still feel her presence daily. Your visit here after I lost Grandma was late due to COVID, so when you came I let you have too much freedom in my home.
Lesson learned: I CANNOT and WILL NOT be consumed with you when you visit. I am making the most of the time I have with my loved one { using proper COVID protocols} I will enjoy every interaction with her--- even if all that can be right now are text messages. I'm grateful that there are so many ways we humans can Love; that visits from you, Grief are nuanced. Love will turn to Grief if Love remains alive long enough. Waiting for you, Grief is taxing. But I must, for the sake of my own sanity & because I love the person I expect to lose, cannot dwell on your future arrival.
Grief, Love is worth the occasional visit from you. I love deeply, so when you arrive I will feel your presence more acutely than most people. Each person experiences you in a different way-- but we all ate visits from you. But, being a human capable of Big Love means that I expect Big Grief when you arrive.
My priest, in her wisdom, asked me a profound question. She wanted to know if I felt that the long, close relationship I have and enjoyed for many years is wort feeling the weight of a visit from Grief. My answer was an absolute YES! This person's presence in my life is and has been part of what shaped me into the woman I am today.
Until we meet again, I will Walk in Love....
~Sarah McCarren
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