Storms, Rituals and Sacraments in times of COVID

 

          An abalone shell, gifted to me by a friend,  remains on my altar near the St Brigid Cross that my parents brought back to me from Ireland. the St Joan of Arc rosary is in the shell, hidden in plain sight. ~ Photo by The Pensacola Hippie. 

   Here in northwest Florida, we are feeling the effects of Hurricane Ida-- which slammed into Louisiana sometime last night.  Today we woke to bands of drizzle, followed by a break, and then more rain. Brian and I did manage to get out to the grocery this afternoon, and we did not see any major damage on our side of town. 

   Anyway, with all the " crap" going on right now, it is hard to be a "sensitive" soul. COVID is still raging all over the nation, there is international unrest and partisan  division over how the United States should have handled that international crisis at this time, Not to mention, the outer bands of " Ida" that we in Northwest Florida and Southwest Alabama are experiencing today leave a literal cast of gray in the sky. 

   On a more personal level, I am doing my best to process the illness of a dear mentor/friend. I'm ding my best to prayerfully and intentionally separate my own  issues regarding terminal illness and death so that I can best  ' carry Christ to her.  After all this is her journey--- I am merely accomanying her along the way for as far as I can go. 

  I've found that small, but meaningful rituals help me remember what my role is in this new dynamic with my friend. Since the only daily communication she can muster right now is texting, I make a point of texting her something beautiful or comforting. One morning I sent a photo of our goofy dog, Harry . Today, I sent her a photo of the seashells which I'd ritually arranged in an artistic order around the abalone shell that is a gift from another special soul sister. This afternoon I walked out into our flower garden and cut some fresh flowers to artfully arrange on the water vase on the altar. { My sick friend LOVES flowers} 

  Rituals-- even my small, insignificant-to-anyone-else rituals help to center my mind & heart. I find rituals especially comforting during literal storms  and the stormy feelings I need to own regarding my sick friend. I also light two altar candles, one in memory of my grandmother-- I feel her presence when I see that flame lit. I also light a candle to honor my friend, whose Earth-light is still here , but no one knows for how much longer. 

  I am grateful for a Christian community that values all forms of personal prayer and piety. My rituals are not mere word prayers, they are simple, yet visceral actions that connect me to God, and the person for whom I pray--  or from whom I seek guidance. 

\ On Saturday Brian and I participated in another communal ritual: one of the peaceful protest. If the definition of " sacrament" is outward and visible signs of inward and spiritual grace ...,  than I can and will make the argument that for we people-of-faith-- peaceful protesting and other ways of making good trouble, necessary trouble { John Lewis} is a sacramental act. 

                                                 Me, holding a " Black Votes Matter" sign before Saturday's protest. Photo by Brian. 

By participating in the peaceful protest-- a protest that was organized to ensure that Florida's voting laws are not unfairly changed to make voting difficult for some people, I can argue that this action was the outward and visible sign that Jesus' life is The Way for all of us to try to follow. 

  During these stormy times, I am grateful for the rituals of the established Church and  rituals that I practice that bring me closer to God the Creator. My sacramental acts of direct action in my community is just beginning--- we'll see how much in-person work we can do safely. 

In love and liberation for all humans...

~Sarah McCarren 

30-August 2021

Direct ACTION: Back at It!

                           Living Civil Rights leader from the 70's , The Rev Dr HK Matthews, was the keynote speaker at todays march/rally for voting rights in Florida. ~ Photo by The Pensacola Hippie.

After almost two LONG years of advocacy work from behind a computer screen,  I am BAAAAACK!!!! 

 Brian and I went to the Pensacola March Rally On Voting Rights this morning. We-- with a small but strong cross-section of the Pensacola area met at the Supervisor of Elections and marched to a square where we gathered { safely, masked and distanced} for inspirational speakers from the Black community. The march was peaceful as we chanted in solidarity & respectfully gave each person/ family unit space. 

 It was good to see { masked} friends at the rally, some of whom I'd not seen in months. I even acquired a new facial accessory today.... check it out { Zoom in on my face , it reads Black Votes Matter. }

                                                    Brian and me at the Supervisor of Elections office, before the march #BlackVotesMatter 

   Florida has some really scary legislation coming up that will affect many people in this state-- but is especially aimed at people-of-color. I have a copy of the the voting rights changes, and reading it makes my head spin. 

  VOTING IS FUNDAMENTAL TO DEMOCRACY. Yes, people have a right to  not vote. But NO ONE---- especially a state or federal branch of government--- has a right to restrict voting rights for otherwise qualified citizens. 

  Voting rights should be nonpartisan.  Regardless of one's political party affiliation { or lack of affiliation} } voting rights should be everyone's concern. 

  The fact that some Florida lawmakers are working so hard to squash voter eligibility shows that progress is just around the corner.

  This latest attempt by Florida's governor is aimed especially at Black and Brown voters-- imposing more hardships that can potentially block them from having their chance to participate in the political process. 

  I attended today's event as a concerned, engaged, active voter--- and ***** not****** as a member of my political party. I attended the event as the daughter of one veteran, the spouse of another and the parishioner of yet another veteran. These three, among many others I know-- have willingly fought for the right for this country to maintain our basic freedoms. The fact that this governor still has support with this ridiculous { and probably unconstitutional}  attempt to control who votes { and how they vote } scares and saddens me. 

But in the words of the song by Twisted Sister: 

"We're not gonna take it
No, we ain't gonna take it
We're not gonna take it anymore

We've got the right to choose and
There ain't no way we'll lose it
This is our life, this is our song
We'll fight the powers that be just
Don't pick our destiny 'cause
You don't know us, you don't belong"

After the 2018 mid-term elections, I swore to myself I'd stay away from politics. This attack on Floridians' voting rights, in addition to the horrors we all witnessed on January 6 has caused me to re-think my stance on political action. I wish tings were not so partisan, but right now America is as divided in ideals as its ever been in my lifetime. Partisan politics scare me, because I seek to unite-- to bring us together as Americans and Floridians-- as humans.  January 6-- an attempted coup on our very democracy by Americans exposed what had been brewing just under the surface for several years. 

   I'll never forget where I was and who I was with that morning. { thankfully among safe people} I still shudder when I think about what almost happened on that day.  But " nice people" don't bring up the events of January 6 and the people who were behind that attempt at a coup. This event is another defining moment of my generation--- much like the horrors imposed on this nation by a foreign enemy. 

  I must act. 

   “We must always take sides. Neutrality helps the oppressor, never the victim. Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented.”

― Elie Wiesel

I've been that " nice White moderate" for all of my adult life-- afraid to rock the boat and cause riffs in friendships and family. But knowing how hard some of our elected officials are working to keep many Floridians from our rightful chance to vote reminds me of the horrors of January 6. 

I am taking a side. I am standing up with and for oppressed people. and I'm speaking. 

With Love & Liberation....

~Sarah McCarren

8-28-2021

Black Lives Matter & Black VOTES Matter

                                           My " Hippie Sandals"... tie dye and sparkly. Perfect protest shoes--- comfy, durable and LOUD! 

   For the first time in 18 months, I will be at a protest march/rally in Pensacola on Saturday. I had to keep Brian safe from COVID last summer, so I regrettably stayed home from the two week Black Lives Matter Vigil held here in town. But with both Brian and I vaccinated, wearing masks, not touching or breathing on anyone else, and using and sanitizer-- I feel safe to be " out there' making some  holy trouble. 

 During my forced absence from protest and other holy troublemaking activities, I've had time to reflect on why I engage in such work. 

 Currently I am reading Pastor Elle Dowd's { ELCA Lutheran} book Baptized In Tear Gas: From White Moderate To Abolitionist. I'm learning that much of my growing up in a nearly all-White rural Appalachian community blinded me to what racism is and how much privilege I have just by the color of my skin. In my high school , there was one Black boy in our class. He was a football player, so of course he was tolerated  But racism lived just under the surface at those rural high schools 

My brother, on the other hand, attended a more urban-ish high school  with more Black students. He befriended a Black boy in middle school , and asked if " K" could come home with him for the weekend. I remember the boys minding their own business  playing basketball outside . A car drove down the street and an ADULT White male yelled racial slurs at both my brother & his friend. For me, this was my introduction to Life As a Black American. 

  I remember feeling anger and sadness on behalf of my brother's friend, but I did not realize that, just by being White-- I felt safe in Rural Appalachia. " Polite " people did not talk about racism, sexism or hetero-normative-only relationships when I was growing up. To be frank, there has been more open and honest discussion about White Privilege & the history of how police have dealt with minority Americans { including LGBTQ+ people} here in Pensacola than I ever remember hearing while growing up. 

  Even throughout high school and both WLU and UWF, I remained a relatively ignorant White Moderate. I knew that some people were raised to hate anyone Not Like Us & had been on the receiving end of some of that in the form of anti-Semitism { Ashkenazi Jew from Ukraine on Mom's side of the family}but I certainly did not hang around such people. 

  In her book, Elle talks about the Ferguson uprising after the police murder of an unarmed Black man named Michael Brown and how she, as a White Moderate tried to figure out her role in supporting civil rights for our Black and Brown siblings. 

 One quote in Chapter Two struck me hard > Elle writes" The Black people in Ferguson and the Black people all over the world do not get days off from being Black. " { Dowd page 34}

 White supporters such as myself need to take our cues from our Black kin. Black Americans have been fighting systemic racism that we White people cannot imagine since they were small children. 

  When canvassing for a political candidate back in 2018-- I listened to stories of my Black neighbors who have not voted in years-- citing that none of the politicians really want to dismantle the societal systems that continually oppress Black families. Furthermore , there are and have been laws on the books here in Florida that specifically aim to keep Black people from the polls. 

  This is why I am committed to safely showing up with and for our neighbors-of-color tomorrow . Besides standing in solidarity, I shall be there to listen and learn. 

  Elle said something else in Chapter Two of her book that struck a chord with my heart. She writes: I was a well-read White girl who cared about doing what was right, But the Black activists in the streets not only had good hearts and plenty of ' book knowledge '; they also ad grown up getting' the talk' around how to act around police. " {Dowd page 34}

  My brother and I NEVER had to worry about what to say and how to act around cops. It did not occur to me that this is not the case for many Americans, including POC and all people in same-sex relationships, and transgender people. In June I watched a Netflix miniseries called PRIDE , a well-done { and eye-opening} documentary series on the struggles for equality for LGBTQ+ Americans. 

My dear White kin, we need to have these conversations. Furthermore ,we need to look at ourselves in the mirror and realize that we can never live in Black skin. We can only do our best to listen , learn and follow THEIR lead. 

Amen. 

In Love and Liberation for All....

~Sarah McCarren

Pensacola FL 

27 August 2021

For ALL Of Us; Love your Neighbor, COVER YOUR FACE

                          Brian and me, Vaccinated AND Masked. #LOVEYOURNEIGHBOR

Among another sad story that is not mine to share, COVID hit close to home this week. While that story is not mine to tell, I CAN  tell you how this superspreading has affected me-- without making neither Brian nor me sick. 

 I'm angry. No-- I am PISSED OFF. 

We had to return to mask-wearing -- NOT because " the government told us to do it-- but because we love & care for the children and vulnerable , vaccinated adults in our lives. We don't mask because we think vaccines are ineffective. As a matter of fact, we know vaccinated people-- several-- who came down with ' breakthrough" cases of COVID that were much milder. I mask up when I go visit a sick loved one because I know that any germ--- not just COVID-- that would merely annoy me could  end her life.  

" The Government" did not force us to return to masking and physical distancing. No-- it is all the " patriots" { sic} who refuse the free- painless safe series of shots wo are holding our country in a deadly, depressing holding pattern. 

  We vaccinated folks cannot safely go to the emergency room, since hospitals are literally overrun with sick COVID patients who refused to take the vaccine. 

  Recently I finished reading Vice-President Kamala Harris' book, One of the quotes from her book _The Truths We Hold_ came at the end of her story. 

  "For all our differences, for all our battles, for all our fights we are all one American family, and we should act like it." ~Madame Vice President Kamala D. Harris

  I know many people who do not like Madame Vice President-- and that IS your choice. However, it is NOT your " choice" to put your political views ahead of public safety for all--- especially since getting the vaccines and wearing masks when asked to is so damn easy. 

 " Masks are uncomfortable" Trust me, I need eyeglasses to see{ contact lenses are not an option} and every time I walk out into the Florida humidity and put on a cloth mask, the glasses fog. But I wait until I am safely inside and then de-fog the glasses. Brian and I find comfortable masks that fit not-too-snugly around our noses and mouth and that have nose clips that keep the mask in place. 

  Even vaccinated people run a chance of either catching or carrying COVID-- and its our PATRIOTIC DUTY to keep ourselves and our human siblings safe. COVID is real. Masks and vaccines are not yet perfect-- but science evolves. I agree that the government should not need to make laws to keep us safe from each other putting their " rights" above saving lives of innocent people-- including CHILDREN. We don't live in the Utopia that God wants for us, where we look at every person we see as a sibling-- another of God's Beloveds. 

 I am weary and angry about continuing to need to protect people from COVID. But I willingly do it. I try to make the best of a lousy necessity of masking by carrying around a collection of cute, comfortable " facial accessories" but I so want to see smiles of people I love again. But what I want right now is not important. 

  Again "...we are all one American family, and we should act like it." ~Madame Vice President Kamala D. Harris.

Mask Up. Get the shots. Care about others. 

~Sarah McCarren

24 August 2021

Affirming and Supporting Neuro-Diverse People, of Which I am One

                                         Hand-beaded bracelet I bought today . Artist is a person who is a client of #PyramidIncorporated, who work with special needs adults in creative endeavors. Photo by The Pensacola Hippie 

I love colors---- clothing, furniture, betta fish plants, shoes, ect. So today Brian and I were browsing the local downtown market when a pretty purple, pink & blue beaded bracelet caught my eye. I went over to examine the piece closely & chatted with the booth-keepers. It turns out that the wall art * beadwork they had for sale is made by clients of Pyramid, Incorporated. 

Here is the Web site for a better explanation than I can give:

Pyramid Pensacola

I first got acquainted with the good work { and promotion of arts! } when I attended a Christmas  concert by their singing group " The Pyramid Singers few years back. I was impressed wit the level of professionalism, and joy that these singers;; all of whom are  ' differently-abled". 

When I saw te Pyramid logo on the booth, I chatted with the people staffing the booth I told them, that as a visual artist myself & former choral singer { I miss that-- but God calls me to other work right now} I appreciate the beauty of each piece on display. The person wo teaches visual arts for Pyramid told me that all they do is show the clients the technique, the choice of colors, sizes, and patters are at the discretion of the artist. 

I am impressed. 

On a more personal note: I know all too well to be judged { by teachers, principals and even some relatives}for having a brain that is anything but neurotypical.  Most people can handle a lot of sensory input, but the way my newborn brain was damaged at birth by a traumatic delivery. All of the lobes of the brain that control sensory input are affected , and in my case I do not process auditory stimuli well. It appears to neurotypical people that I ' have "sensitive ears", but that is not accurate. I CANNOT process certain sounds well. Acoustics of certain places { including places of worship} are hard for me to tolerate. Also, if the TV is on when I am trying to work { write or do art} I cannot get my brain to shut out the TV sounds. Commercials, which are louder than any featured program, also are not well-tolerated by me. 

Auditory processing, which is controlled by the temporal lobe, is my biggest sensory-processing issue -- and the deficit tat makes life hardest for me.  I also have some issues with touch and smell, which are controlled by the same lobe. For instance HATE shoes and socks. One of the blessings for me as a Florida is that sandals { open toes} are acceptable footwear all year long. Any type of medical exam that requires putting pressure on me is torture. I've not yet been able to complete a glaucoma test , the pressure of that puff of air--- a minor annoyance to most people-- actually HURTS me. 

Another area where I have some neurological challenges is with numbers. This was a fairly ovious difference early on in school, as I struggled with learning my multiplication--- not to mention the hell that was high school algebra. I did not know until well into adulthood that others struggle with the same difficulties with math-- an that the clinical term for this learning difference is dyscalculia.  I still ' hate math' but now I know why math is so hard for me. 

  I say all this to remind people that all humans are made in God's Image. Some of us have differences that are harder to detect { and therefore much harder to understand} while others' neurological differences are more seen by untrained eyes. I am blessed to be a part of a family, activism circle, and church community who all recognize my talents and are grace-full with my limitations. 

 I am proud to live in a community group where people of different needs can shine in the arts. Humans, at least in my experience, are designed to create-- and we all should have chances to hone that inner artist. Sing, dance, act, make jewelry, pain, sculpt, write. To create is to be in partnership with our Creator. 

I'm grateful for groups such as Pyramid Incorporated that brings out the creative talents of people who might otherwise be overlooked. 

Thank God for art and artists. And by that I mean art made by all artists. 

Amen. 

~Sarah McCarren

21-August-2021

~Sarah
 

A Open, Personal Letter to " Grief"

                                            "Grief was that relative I heard stories about. I knew her in the way I knew Uncle Gerald, someone I never met but learned so much about. Then my husband died, and there Grief was, shaking my hand. I offered her the guest bedroom, scrambling to make it comfortable, but not too comfortable because I didn’t want her to stay long. Instead of the guest bedroom, she marched right into my bedroom and dropped her heavy bags. Years later, she’s still with me, now an old friend, someone to sip martinis with and remember." — Barbara Phillips (originally published in Modern Love on March 30, 2021)

Dear Grief....

I'm expecting you to visit me. I know not when you will arrive, but I am doing my best to daily prepare space in my house for you. Right now, I must guard my house, and not allow your anticipated arrival to prevent me from tending to the life I have now.

I am blessed, as I have a support system here that will help me reluctantly welcome you into the house. My spouse has met you before, but in a different situation . You have also made yourself quite comfortable in the homes of my parents and Dad's siblings after Grandma died back in December. Thanks to COVID, I was not in Pennsylvania with you and my relatives. But I know you were there and I did the best I could to support my long-distance family members

I do not anticipate your arrival with joy. Nevertheless, I know that you come because Love happened. I don't regret love---- and am wrestling with the fact that Love will always lead to Grief visiting. I know I will need to sit with you once you get here-- and to be honest , I'd rather just show you to your room and never talk to you. But because of Love, I must deal with your visits.

 "Grief is just love with no place to go” ~ Jamie Anderson

  I give thanks for the 45 years that I loved my Grandma on Earth and still feel her presence daily. Your visit here after I lost Grandma was late due to COVID, so when you came I let you have too much freedom in my home. 

Lesson learned: I CANNOT and WILL NOT be consumed with you when you visit.  I am making the most of the time I have with my loved one { using proper COVID protocols} I will enjoy every interaction with her--- even if all that can be right now are text messages. I'm grateful that there are so many ways we humans can Love; that visits from you, Grief are nuanced. Love will turn to Grief if Love remains alive long enough. Waiting for you, Grief is taxing. But I must, for the sake of my own sanity & because I love the person I expect to lose, cannot dwell on your future arrival. 

 Grief, Love is worth the occasional visit from you. I love deeply, so when you arrive I will feel your presence more acutely than most people. Each person experiences you in a different way-- but we all ate visits from you. But, being a human capable of Big Love means that I expect Big Grief when you arrive. 

 My priest, in her wisdom, asked me a profound question. She wanted to know if I felt that the long, close relationship I have and enjoyed for many years is wort feeling the weight of a visit from Grief. My answer was an absolute YES!  This person's presence in my life is and has been part of what shaped me into the woman I am today. 

 Until we meet again, I will Walk in Love....

~Sarah McCarren

Life Lesson for Year 2021: It's Not All About Me

                                                Selfie of me sporting my newest mask: one of the three-layer kind that I picked up at CVS. They have cute ones in all sizes of people are looking to update their face wear wardrobe! 

   So far, Year 2021 has been a wee bit better than Year 2020. We enjoyed a brief respite this spring and early summer as more and more adults got their COVID vaccines. But Nature threw us weak-minded humans a viral curve ball,. The new variant of COVID is more contagious than the first wave bug and is especially hard on children & young adult bodies.

  So Brian, myself and every decent human I know are back to masking indoors in public.  I DO NOT want to catch a " breakthrough " case of COVID-- which my vaccination will protect me from really getting ill-- vaccines work. But more importantly, I do not wish to be a silent, asymptomatic carrier of this new variant to children waiting for vaccine approval , nor do I want to spread it to a vaccinated yet medically-vulnerable adult. 

 This part of St Paul's Letter to the Christian community in ancient  Phillipi comes to mind 

                          " Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others" PHIL 2:4

Now in spite of the sexist language that this translation has, I still find the general meaning of St Paul's words true to us right now. Pensacola is seeing record numbers of COVID hospital admitting , where pediatric E.R beds are full in big cities throughout The Sunshine State.

Yet our Governor wishes to keep Florida " open for business" at the cost of innocent lives.

Of course I would not wish COVID on anyone. But to be fair, I blame those adults who choose to NOT get the shots when their turn came for this spike in case numbers and deaths. I realize that it still an " experimental" vaccine, but it has already been proven that the majority of the COVID patients on ventilators and otherwise needing hospital care are unvaccinated adults.

By insisting that vaccination requirements are stepping on their " freedoms" they are to blame for the sickness in children and other adults with lung conditions for which COVID would mean certain death.

I have a dear friend, someone whom I've known for over 20 years who is sick and oxygen-dependent right now. For s long as I've known her, she has been one of the most patient, loving, Christ-like souls. We didn't always see eye-to-eye on everything, and she's as stubborn as I am but I love her unconditionally.

Because I love her and do not want to bring COVID { Or even the flu} into her home, I wore a mask and stayed a safe distance during our first in-person visit since before the COVID crisis . Due to my keeping my nose and mout fully covered, she could not see the smile on my lips. I can only hope and pray that she saw the smile reflected in my eyes. Additionally, I did not hug her, or even squeeze her hand as I bade farewell. Touch is one of my' love languages' , so not being able to reach out and touch my friend in a physical way hurt my heart. But this is not about me. My friend's health situation required that I be extra-careful { hands sanitized before I came into her house} and wore the mask for our entire visit. Love requires us to do what we can to protect those whom we cherish.

I'll repeat again for those who still refuse to listen. This is NOT about YOU and YOUR " comfort". if you are vaccinated, great: as am I and my spouse. But the vaccine will not always protect everyone from being a silent carrier--- you may never get COVID, but you can be a spreading agent. You can unwittingly pass a virus onto someone such as my friend, and kill them. Choosing not to mask can also spread the virus to young children, for whom the vaccine is not yet approved.

Yes, you have a choice. But there are good choices and poor choices. Vaccinated adults: ESPECIALLY adults who practice a faith,} should do the mitzvah of masking when indoors, in public , or around children and/or vulnerable adults who are vaccinated. Adults who still refuse to vaccinate will find that COVID does not discriminate.

Remember, people: THIS IS NOT ABOUT YOU OR ME.

Grow up. Vaccinate. Then, be a good human and Mask Up!

That's all for now....

~Sarah McCarren

8-18-2021

Anticipatory Grief and Use of Candles

   " Guardian Angel" candle that I light when I want to feel close to my dear departed Grandma Anne. I added another candle to my altar, this one burns for someone who is very sick. Photo by The Pensacola Hippie. 

    I love candles. I love how the soft light reminds me of the fire within me, fire that comes from generations of tough Celtic and Ashkenazi Jewish women. 

   Lighting candles also draws my soul to a place where I can be ready for worship. I especially found the practice of lighting a candle during lockdown when our clergy{ or sometimes a layperson} would say Evening Prayer online. 

  In Holy Baptism, the priest lights a small white candle from the large Christ candle, and gives it to either the newly baptized person or their parent/Godparent of the person if they are too young to understand about fire. 

  In the _Godly Play_ story on Baptism, the storyteller  lights a Christ candle, and then we light a candle for each person in the circle. Then the storyteller says how this light changes. It doesn't go away, but it changes. "  Then the storyteller gently presses a snuffer until the flame turns into smoke. 

  " Now, instead if being confined to one space, the Light goes out into this room, out of this building, and all over the world. the Light did not go away, it has changed. "

  As I face the loss of someone I love, I am both comforted and still somehow saddened by this imagery of the candle light. My friend, for as long as I've known her, has always reflected Christ's Light in her own Baptismal Light. One of the best pieces of advice that she's given me occurred when I was dealing with some serious mental health and issues wit relating to other people. She said once, in a firm but loving way :

   "Sarah, the best cure for sadness is to help someone else. Fast. " 

   At the time she offered that advice, I was way too spiritually immature to understand that we humans can, and should channel all our " big" feelings into making the world, or at least our community better for others. 

  She lived her professional and personal life as one of the best examples of carrying Crist's Light within her than almost anyone else I know. She is far from perfect, but the person I cherish is one who let that Christ Light within her guide her. 

  Her Earthly Light is flickering, but its still visible. 

  When I light the candle that I set aside for her, I pray that the Peace of Creator Mother God will envelope her and that she knows how much she is loved. I'm finding right now that words fail me when it comes to trying to tell this person how much she means to me as a teacher/mentor and friend. But maybe, lighting that candle will shine some of my Light onto her, since we are all " marked as Christ's own" via our baptism. 

  God knows her name, and its not my place to share details. 

    I know she still wants me to carry my Christ light into the world, and now I understand what that work means. 

  In Light , Love, and Liberation....

  Sarah McCarren

   August 16 2021

 

Working Through Grief During Covid: Part Two

                                      Safely masked outdoors in Hendersonville, NC . Photo by Brian

Part Two of essays I am writing as I work my brain though all the shitty stuff that COVID has thrown my way in the past 8 months. In addition to the death of my Grandmother, my family has suffered deaths{ from lung cancer and COPD} of two men who have been a part of my extended family here and in Pennsylvania. 

One of these men, who has been my dad's best friend since they were both small children, finally lost his battle with lung cancer. I've know this man & his wife since birth and my brother & I refer to him as " Uncle Beni". I am grateful that I got to introduce Beni & his wife to Brian & make some good memories here in Florida & in Atlanta before the cancer took over. I feel my Dad's sadness { empathic mixed-bag gift} & my own sadness. It is strange to think that when I eventually return to Pennsylvania neither Beni nor Grandma Anne will be there. As a matter of fact, I have BIG misgivings regarding returning to Bumpkinville, Pennsylvania at all. I was the fish out of water in Bumpkinville, and only a few relatives -- especially my Grandmother did there best to love me as I am. 

As I realize how much I really don't want to return to Bumpkinville, this makes me sad. Spending a week in the western North Carolina mountains last month re-connected me to some loved ones in a place that is soul-feeding. So maybe COVID has taught me that I really do not belong in Bumpkinville-- and probably remained a " stranger" there for my childhood & very early adulthood. 

Another person I know-- who was more of a friend of my parents than of Brian & me-- died of a lung condition. Due to COVID restrictions-- he could not receive any visitors. When his time came to move to whatever is next after Earthly life, the Celebration of Life was postponed Since this friend of my parents was not really in our " circle", Brian & I opted out of the Celebration. But for the people who knew & loved this man the most-- I am grateful that they got their closure in a ritual that meant a lot to " Bubba" & other surfers. 

Update on my anticipatory grief: I've talked to some trusted people { one was my first priest & one of the most Christ-Centered humans I know} who assure me that I am handling all the big feelings as best I can. 

Humans, but especially people of faith, are not meant to be soloists. Community upholds us when we are feeling stricken and weary to hold up ourselves. 

Amen...

Sarah McCarren

14 August 2021

 

Working Through Grief during COVID : Part 1

                                   Photo of my beautiful late Grandma Anne & my still living, but chronically ill Uncle.  Photo by Unknown Family Member. 

There will PROBABLY be a Part Two of this essay, because I've much active and anticipatory grief to process. Everyone who knows me at all knows I am a verbal processor. 

 Today's quote: 

"People talk about grief as if it's kind of an unremittingly awful thing, and it is. It is painful, but it's a very, very interesting sort of thing to go through, and it really helps you out. At the end of the day, it gets you through because you have to reform your relationship, and you have to figure out a way of getting to the future."

 ~Kay Redfield Jamison

For me , the worst part about grieving my Grandmother is that I never got any closure-- due to travel restrictions during last year's first COVID wave. Vaccines were not yet available , and with a spouse who is still undergoing cancer treatment, a plane trip to Pittsburgh wasn't happening.  We all knew that cancer would end Grandma's Earthly life, but we did not have any clear timetable. When Hospice took over, my family who lives in Pennsylvania got to visit Grandma in her home and share sweet, sacred time with her. The 8 McCarrens who live in the Southern United States had no such chance to sit by Grandma's bedside. Besides, since Grandma's career had been as an Emergency Room nurse, we knew she would not approve of us risking a deadly virus to come see her.  I sent her photos of Brian and me, and our niece and nephew { when we saw them} on occasion, since Grandma refused to learn to use the internet  She and I also exchanged weekly phone calls, until she was too weak to talk on the phone. 

  Grandma died in December, and it was still too risky for a crowded flight to Butler, Pennsylvania for her funeral Mass. We are grateful to a tech-savvy cousin who " Zoomed" the funeral Mass and burial for those of us in Florida and Georgia. 

 But to be honest, the Zoom did not offer me any sort of closing. It isn't my cousin's fault-- the church where Grandma had worshipped her entire adult life is not equipped for live-streaming. But we are grateful that at least we could see & hear the Mass. 

 Another grief that I am experiencing is apparently called " anticipatory grief". This is a grief that some people feel when a loved on is terminally ill. A dear friend of mine-- a woman I've known for over 20 years & who has played a big part in my development as a Christian-- is very ill. I vistied her a few days ago and the physical decline was marked { She's still beautiful, but she looks 20 years older than her actual age} To protect her privacy I cannot give out too many details, but I can say the visit was bittersweet. My visit { masked and a safe distance from her} brought her joy and did my heart some good to at least see her in-person. When I left { no hugs, as I don't want to be an unknowing carrier} I did not say " goodbye". To me, saying that word in this context during a pandemic was too loaded. Instead I told her : " I love you. I'll be in touch, okay?" She answered: "I love you, too. "

I know for a fact that I won't see Grandma this side of Eternity, and for that loss I am grieving. But not knowing if I will see my friend in person again carries with it a special , heavier grief. As with our in-person visit, I am allowing my friend to set the tone of our interactions. There are a few things on my heart that I'd like to resolve with her, but am being mindful that this is her time and I don't want her burden her with my own shit. 

  Grief after someone dies is hard , even harder right now. 

  Being present { not always in-person, but present nonetheless} for my ill friend and her family is harder. This is completely uncharted deep waters for me, and my main concern is not causing my friend stress. She and I have many fun, joy-full memories to discuss together , and she enjoys snapshots of my current life { such as my paintings, kayaking trips, ect. }

Its a tough, tiring road. 

People, if you have not , PLEASE get the vaccine-- and wear masks until we get these case numbers under control. Love requires sacrifice, and I am learning that by reflecting on my experience sitting with my sick friend. She didn't see my smile, but she knew it was there. 

Stay safe and well, friends....

~Sarah McCarren

13 August 2021 

The Delta Storm is Here and Now . " Fred" is Hypothetical

                                     Butterfly. Just because... Photo by The Pensacola Hippie

So the amateur storm chasers in my social media feed are " tracking" and " predicting" where this latest system-- to be named Fred if it develops-- will make landfall. Now I { try to} understand why it helps some people to share news and storm path possibilities with everyone they know. I'm told that this helps some people feel better about living in Hurricane Alley. 

It does not  help me. As a matter of fact, I've snoozed several good people on Facebook within the past couple of days because my mind and soul just do not have the emotional/spiritual band-with needed to discuss POSSIBLE storm situations. 

I cannot add more to my plate right now: too much real shit is happening in my life, and I need the energy to faith-fully serve them. I found out yesterday that a family whom I know & love here all came down with COVID. Thankfully, three of the four of them are vaccinated, but their youngest child has yet to be  cleared for vaccination { Please, please hustle more with the FDA approval, US Health Department! }Children all over Florida are returning to school, and our Governor is using his Executive Order power to threaten to pull state money if school districts revolt against the no-masking requirement. 

A dear, long-term, Christ-following friend of mine is homebound due to a chronic illness. Since she and I have been vaccinated, I went to see her after church on Sunday In order to make sure I do all I can to protect her, I washed my hands & wore a mask. We had a wonderful visit when we could look into each other's eyes and hear our voices, but she could not see the big smile under my mask.  When the time came to leave I refrained from hugging her-- or even holding her hand. While I did { and will do} all of these things to protect vulnerable people I love, it pained my soul to have a masked and touchless visit. 

Stories like mine are not rare in Florida and other places. I willingly return to covering my face in public or in the presence of vulnerable people { such as children or medically-fragile adults} 

So no-- I lack the band-with to follow a hypothetical Atlantic storm system--- and until it enters the Gulf,,  IF it enters the Gulf-- I will set some boundaries. I understand that Northwest Florida was ravaged by " Sally"s unexpected sharp turn so I understand why people are afraid. But I cannot afford to let storm stress live in my head right now. Storms with names are frightening, but years of Gulf Coast life leave me confident with how to prepare if one should enter the Gulf. I see no need to run to the store and buy all the bread, beer and toilet paper weeks in advance of a storm's projected path. 

If I buy anything in bulk, it is : cleaning supplies, plastic Ziplock bags, and plenty of hand sanitizer. Yesterday, for good measure, I purchased two new cloth masks that are washable, adjustable and breathable for Brian and me. 

Life is short, and if any outside force deserves some of my emotional labor, it is helping to stop the Delta variant from infecting more people.  I'm not borrowing trouble by acting on my concern for the spread of the virus here in Florida-- especially since it is affecting people I know & about whom I care. 

It also puzzles me-- as a non-native Floridian-- why people are more willing to stress over potential storms while ignoring the huge viral storm crisis that is here now. 

Please don't talk to me about scary weather. I've been in Florida for almost 23 years and I know how to deal with storms. People who still think a deadly virus is a hoax and/or thinks that the vaccine is really some sort of microchip are who scare me. 

~Sarah McCarren

12 August 2021

 

Life is Short, so LOVE as Much as Possible.

Photo of a sermon illustration , based on the Godly Play story entitled {The Ten Best Ways To Live_ 

There is a benediction that is used often at the end of Mass at my church. The words strike me as especially apropos during these times. 

The benediction prayer is as follows: 

Life is short,

And we do not have much time

to gladden the hearts of those who

make the journey with us.

So… be swift to love,

and make haste to be kind.

And the blessing of God,

who made us,

who loves us,

and who travels with us

be with you now and forever.

AMEN Henri Frederic Amiel (1821-1881}

During this { extended, due to a variant and people REFUSING to mask and/or get the vaccine}COVID season, I've had four significant deaths in my circle. Thankfully, no on e I loved has died from COVID, but the pandemic kept us away from celebrating these people's lives in a way that brought comfort and closure to many of us.

The most significant loss that I'm dealing with is the loss of my paternal Grandmother, Anne. Grandma, who would have turned 91 years old in late July had been a nurse and then nurse practitoner at a small hospital in Bumpkintown, Pennsylvania before her retirement. Granma would have had much to say to people who choose to believe unreliable sources of information over proven science.

Vaccines work. No, since this is a new virus, the science isn't perfect. However, people who get sick in spite of vaccination have a much milder case than vaccine refusers.

Anyway, back to the Godly Play story. The biggest commandments, according to the story by Jerome Berryman is this " Love God. Love. People. God Loves You."

It is a simple commandment, but hard to do when we are asked to wear hot, uncomfortable masks in public. { Additionally for we eyeglasses wearers, its a challenge to keep our spectacles fog-free}

Right now, love of neighbor demands that we wear masks in public. Are they uncomfortable ? Heck yes they are!! { I wear glasses and live in hot, humid Florida} But the commandment to love people as I love God means that I do what I can to keep myself and { more importantly} others safe.

Loving God and people can require sacrifice. I'm not a parent, but since my parents are thankfully still living, I know that they continue to make sure that their two offspring and our spouses are safe, fed and housed. Love of his family led my dad to rent a beautiful cabin in the western North Carolina mountains so{ VACCINATED} family and friends could come together safely in a beautiful setting.

That is an example of LOVE. In these times, there is no certainty that we'll see or loved ones " next time", so I am gratful for that holy time on the mountain with my kin.

At church, I willingly follow both the bishop's and my priest's directions for safely worshipping together on Sundays. Love required once again for us to push the start of our program year to a time when children are able to get their vaccines.

Life is short--- and for too many people around the wotld, life ended much quicker than they anticipated. If this COVID nightmare has one positive" take-away lesson for me, it would be this:

"Life is short,

And we do not have much time

to gladden the hearts of those who

make the journey with us.

So… be swift to love,

and make haste to be kind..." ~Henri Amiel

Each act of kindness and compassion matters , and we should spread kindness because it is what Jesus would want us to do if He were here now. Loving God & God's People looks like altering our behaviors and protecting others { and ourselves} from an illness that has killed too many people. Living in Florida, I can tell you now that the government cannot be depended upon to look after everyone's health & safety. It is up to we the people-- individuals and private businesses and organizations-- to encourage other to act on love by masking and vaccinations.

Make this life count. Set the example on how to love others.

Love is an action verb, and right now it is a lot of hard, uncomfortable work for we people of faith.

Spend quality time with { vaccinated} family & friends. Say : "I love you" to people who are not your romantic partner. English is woefully inaccurate in verb usage for the many types of love that we humans experience.

But it is all we go, so say it. More importantly, put LOVE into action.

In the Name of the Holy Three..

~Sarah McCarren

11 August 2021

 

Vaccines and Masks Save Lives

                                     Me,  masked and ready to serve at the altar at church on Sunday. Photo by Brian 

  Y'all, I am continuing to do my part and mask up when I am 

~ Indoors in public

~ Outdoors in crowds of people whom I don't know, on the rare occasions that I am outdoors in a crowd. Florida's unvaccinated numbers scare me. No large public gatherings for Brian and me until September. 

~When I visit someone who is vaccinated yet vulnerable if they catch breakthrough COVID. 

 Basically, I mask not so much to protect myself{ though isolation from COVID would be two weeks of psychological torture that I want to avoid at all costs} I'm not a high risk person-- if I do catch a breakthrough case, I won't die. 

Yesterday I visited a dear friend whom I've known since my college days: she has remained a part of my life and one of the most Christ-following Christians I know.  I wore my mask and made sure I washed my hands before I went to her house. When  our visit ended, I did not hug her { as much as my soul longed to do just that since we hadn't seen each other since COVID came to the USA } or even shake her hand. 

 Thanks to people who refuse to take the vaccine, loving each other means careful consideration with each interaction with people we love-- in spite of people in my life who did their patriotic duty and got the shots. Vaccinated people -- even if we don't fall ill with a breakthrough case, can be carriers. 

  This particular variant is hard on younger bodies-- and children are still waiting for their turn to get their shots. Additionally, vaccinated but still medically-fragile adults of any age need to be protected from the possibility of a breakthrough transmission. 

  I am so weary of the ' my body, my choice' argument.  While I do believe that our bodies have agency, the need to protect the public from a deadly virus super cedes any notion of " my body, my choice to vaccinate" Choosing to not get vaccinated IS NOT the same of choosing whether or not to get a piercing or tattoo. Living, breathing, known & loved souls are depending on all of us working together to stop this spread. Regarding choice and abortion, if you do not own or have owned a uterus-- don't even try that " life begins at conception" baloney with me. What I-- or anyone else with a uterus-- chooses to do with our reproductive lives is no one's business. 

  I'm tired, y'all. I was vaccinated as soon as I was able to be-- and I made the mistake of thinking other adults would care enough about humanity to roll up their sleeves. It is August of 2021 and I still am being careful so to protect the vulnerable among us. 

  I can only ask you to do the same. 

  Peace...

 ~Sarah McCarren

   August 9 2021

Rituals

 

                                                 Stones, an olivewood cross, a lavender-scented candle, abd my Grandmother's pearls arranged on my home altar. I find rituals that involve most of the senses God gave us to comfort me during times of uncertainty. Photo by The Pensacola Hippie

 Most people do not know this, but I was baptized into Christ's Family via The Presbyterian Church. I owe these good Christians a lot for sharing the stories of Jesus in a way that my teenaged brain could comprehend. But if I was honest back then, I would admit that I prefer the ancient rituals that my Grandmother's Roman Catholicism employed. My full self-- not just my eyes & ears  were engaged with those ancient Christian rituals. 

  It was the need for ritual that was a big driving force in my journey to The Episcopal Church. I'm grateful to our Reformed Christian siblings for introducing me to a critical reading of both the New and Old Testaments of Holy Scripture-- feeding my " head knowledge". However, my heart knowledge needed the ancient yet relevant liturgical and community practices of  the Anglican Branch of God's Mansion. 

  During the height of the pandemic, I fund myself relying more on the Daily Offices to keep the days from blurring together. When church service were only available online, Brian and I would " attend" church virtually with our clergy & people and share in ceremonial bread & wine after church{ It wasn't, according to my understanding of what our bishop allowed " home Communion, but it was the acts of sharing the bread & wine together that sustained me. 

  Now that we are once again living more restricted lives due to COVID, I find peace in using my home altar in creative ways. For instance, I burn a white candle daily. In front of this white candle is a photo of my dear Grandmother { may her soul rise in glory and DANCE} . 

  In Godly Play's Baptism story, there is a part where the storyteller says " Watch me when i change this light.  The light doesn't go away, it changes.  Instead of being at one place, the light is now filling the room and going everywhere. 

  Candles have become a big part of my Pandemic Rituals. In addition to my white Grandma Candle, I keep a lavender-scented one and light it when I need an extra dose of healing from the Divine Mother.  Additionally, since I am experience life both visually and in a tactile way, I've started researching semiprecious stones and their meanings.  One of the stones that I've always felt drawn to is amethyst--my Mom tells me I've always been drawn to purple. 

  This pandemic has, and continues, to challenge our resilience,  Ritual, both solo and communal, helps me make sense of all the nonsense that humankind throws at each other. Ritual helps me, in a tangible way, to tap into that Divine Feminine strength with which I was born. I've always felt closest to Creator God in nature, so bringing elements of nature to my ritual table helps to connect me with all humanity. 

Today I give thanks for rituals. 

 In the Name of the Mother, the Sibling, and the Life Force...

Amen. 

~Sarah McCarren

7 August 2021

Masking as " Mitzvah"

                                     Me, masked and walking around UWF last Autumn. Photo by Brian

    Disclaimer: I am 50 percent Ashkenazi Jewish  on my Mother's side of my family. So-- please don't tell me I am employing " cultural appropriation".   Thanks. :) 

   I live in Florida-- where the COVID virus is spreading like wildfire among { mostly} the unvaccinated. 

  Many people have argued that they don't think the " need" to return to masking, since they are vaccinated. 

   First of all, thanks to all people who have rolled up their sleeves. I know many people for whom this was a no-brainer choice , and others had to think about the risks of an " experimental" vaccine versus the benefits.  

  Folks I know who are " breakthrough" cases of COVID-- vaccinated but tested positive for the virus anyway-- report little to no symptoms. On the other hand, reports from hospitals all around the nation say that the ICU beds are filled with patients who were not vaccinated. 

  Furthermore, since the FDA has yet to approve vaccinations for people under age 12, children are getting sick with the variant that is worse on younger bodies. 

  In the Jewish faith , a mitzvah is defined as such: 

       1. a commandment of the Jewish Law. 

       2. a meritorious or charitable act. 

Christians need to remember that Our Savior, Brother, and Friend was a Jewish rabbi.  He knew the Hebrew scriptures backwards & forwards. The Gospels, the sacred stories of His life and teachings, lean much on His Jewish upbringing and education. 

 Whether we like it or not, we humans are communal creatures. Our actions-- especially our actions during a worldwide pandemic-- have consequences for others who are waiting for their turn for the vaccine. The modern American archetype of the "Lone Wolf" is a dangerous one- not to mention terribly inaccurate, as wolves are pack animals. I cherish the freedoms that our Constitution grants us, but there are times in human history where the survival of all of us-- including the weak-- requires us to be uncomfortable . 

  I am the first to say I HATE MASKS.  I hate wearing them, I hate seeing other people cover their smiles with them. But, until there is more of a control of this illness, I will wear the darn, hot, glasses-fogging masks when I am indoors in public. 

  I wear masks for myself. I'm vaccinated but the last thing my mental health needs right now is a two-week quarantine. After spending most of last spring and summer with only my spouse as company, I am ready to mix with vaccinated people again. 

  More importantly, I wear masks to make sure I do all I can to NOT SPREAD the virus . We who have been vaccinated still can be asymptomatic carriers. 

  Vice-President Kamala Harris, in her memoir _ The Truth We Hold_ has this to say about corporate responsibility { Stop right there. No partisan mudslinging on my blog please. I adore Madame VP Harris-- and it is okay if you do not like her. Just scroll on...} VP Harris writes: " ... being a good person means standing for something larger than yourself; that success is measured in part by what you help others achieve and accomplish." 

  It is true that the actions { inactions} of people who chose to not get vaccinated are now affecting everyone. People who had gotten the vaccine can and are getting milder COVID cases. This is not fair-- but rather than digging in my heels and refusing to wear a mask because  I did my part and got vaccinated  will not help us accomplish a COVID-free nation. More adults need to get on the vaccination train before we can think about claiming ' herd immunity'. 

  I am willing to look at masking and curbing my social interactions as a mitzvah-- a charitable act done to benefit others. I can't force anyone to wear the mask and/or get the vaccine, but  people of faith { and not just Christians} should seek ways to make the nation and planet safer for all people. 

  Like it or not; true freedom means that we are free to choose the better path. I know I cannot make choices for other adults-- but I can do my best to remind people of faith that both the Old and the New Testaments in the Bible command us to care for others. 

  In the Name of the Holy Three,

   ~Sarah McCarren

     6 August 2021

 

A Prayer for the Times

                                               A prayer for the times. I found this on Facebook today. 

I found the following prayer on Facebook this morning. 

God...Keep my anger from becoming meanness...Keep my sorrow from collapsing into self-pity...Keep my heart soft enough to keep breaking...Keep my anger turned towards justice, not cruelty. 

Remind me that all of this, every bit of this, is for love. 

Keep me fiercely kind. 

In the Name of the Holy Three....

Amen. 

I had a talk with my priest earlier this week regarding the faith-full response to people who still refuse to take COVID seriously enough to get the vaccine and/or wear masks during this surge. I am doing my best to follow her advice to find room in my heart for the grace God offers each of us-- no matter what we think, do or believe as truth. But to be honest, all I can muster right now is to not actively hate the people { I know several-- they are not in my immediate circle, thank goodness, but I know them}My priest reminded me that we are commanded by Christ to love all our siblings-in-faith & she is 100 percent correct. But right now-- all I can do is shake my head and continue to love others by doing my part to keep COVID from making more people sick.

This is exhausting work. 

This week I asked my doctor to prescribe generic Valium so I can deal with daily life in semi-isolation. The medication helps turn what would have been unhealthy rage into righteous frustration . I do my best to be a part of the solution, my spouse & I are always masked when we are indoors in public & I see a few businesses requiring employees to mask up at work. { Noted and we'll frequent these places in the future}

COVID has challenged me every day to not morph into an angry, bitter person. While there are days that I AM angry/bitter/pissed off I know I cannot wallow in the negativity. 

Vice-President Kamala Harris write in her autobiography

" Do we retreat or do we fight? I say, we fight. And I intend to fight. " 

COVID may have won a battle-- but the war against this common enemy is far from over. Once again, decent people everywhere are asked to put one foor in front of the other until COVID runs its course { because it will} Our task is to keep the virus from taking as many innocent lives as possible. 

Responsible Americans-- it is time to rise up and fight Stand in solidarity with masked faces. 

Namaste...

~Sarah McCarren 

5 August 2021

Finned Family Member: Meet " Luna"

                              Our newest addition to the family: Meet " Luna", a female betta fish. Photo by The Pensacola Hippie 

  Brian and I brought home a new family member today. She is about two inches long, bright yellow with red markings on her fins and face, and lives in a habitat on my desk at home. 

  Her name is Luna and she is a betta fish. 

   Luna is special, since she is the first female betta I've known. Brian and I have kept bettas in the past, but until now they were all males. The guys tend to be the fancier-- more color-full of the betta species, so many people have not kept the gals. Luna caught my eye for her active, curious personality and gorgeous luminous colors. 

  I named her " Luna" after the character in the Harry Potter fandom: Luna Lovegood. I've always identified with this character in Potterland, as she is s bookish & awkward as I am.  I tend to name my fish after fandoms I follow, our last betta boy was named " Skywalker". 

  We set the tank up as soon as we got it home, As soon as I put little Luna into her environment, she immediately began to explore her surroundings. This is a good sign, as an active betta is a healthy betta. I'll probably feel nervous and not want tl leave the house for long for a few days, as Luna settles in and I make sure I don't need to get any medicine for her. We came home from North Carolina to a sick Skywalker-- and his fin rot was aggressive. We buried the poor little creature of God i our yard next to our dog, Seamus' grave. 

Anyone who has kept bettas know that each little creature is unique. I look forward to getting to kow " Luna" . 

Peace,

~Sarah McCarren