A Full Book Rack

    Brian and I went to church this morning. As we sat down in the { physically-distanced} pew, my eyes were drawn to the book racks on the back of the pew in front of us. 

     { Books in book rack at St Christopher's Episcopal Church, Pensacola, FL. Photo by The Pensacola Hippie }

  I felt an odd sensation when I looked at the Prayer Book sitting next to the blue 1982 Hymnal.  After over a year of online-only worship and very sterile in-person worship, the pew books look oddly out-of-place in the book racks.  A quick glace at my service leaflet assured me that all the service parts  were indeed included in the document. 

 I sighed , feeling sad yet relieved. My relief comes from the fact that I am still wary of communal items-- the fear of the mere idea of touching the books made me shudder. Realizing how much the necessary sterile worship space had become ' my new normal'  on Sunday mornings saddened me. 

After all this time staying physically away from others-- and not engaging our human sense of touch- I do not know how I'll ever feel totally comfortable fully engaging in public life. 

Church people are my people, and I do feel safe within the walls and grounds of our parish's meeting space. Eventually, I'll pick up that hymnal and sing loudly  to my heart's content. 

I trust people in my faith community. However-- the fact that I felt unsettled by something as simple as the return of pew books shows me how COVIDtide has altered my brain and senses. 

For instance, eating in-house at a restaurant makes me jittery. Brian and I are taking a short and drive-able vacation soon, and since we will BOTH be fully vaccinated by then, we will enjoy " sit down restaurant meals". After over a year of take-out only, I have mixed feelings about eating in public. Of course we want to support small business owners and the people they hire--but eating among so many un-masked strangers worries me. 

What is even more surreal to me is my complicated relationship with face coverings. I hate them-- I hate not being able to fully read a person's non-verbal cues in their face. At the same time-- when I see people out in public maskless { or not covering their NOSE and MOUTH properly} I get angry. Masking  has meant safety and freedom for so long that it will be weird to reprogram my brain to react to people's full faces again. 

I feel anxiety about what this post-pandemic world will look like. Travel for me will be stilted-- as I feel  insecure about the cleanliness of airports. Too many people move through them, and I think that Brian and I will employ a " drive-only" policy for a long time. 

To make a summary, my COVID world has been lonely and sterile.  Yet at the same time I feel oddly comfortable in our small  bubble. Regarding other people outside of our bubble: I'll need to re-train my brain on how to act in crowds. As much as I crave hugs-- shaking hands with people I just meet is scary. 

Will my former painfully ,  freakishly shy Self re-emerge after this extended time in Pandemic Life? I hope and pray not-- as I've worked for years to bury Shy Sarah. 

Sarah McCarren

March 21 2021