Disordered Eating and Recovery. One Step at a Time

                                   Taken at the University of West Florida hiking trail today. I'm much better than I was in October, but still need to gain more weight to be healthy again.  Photo by Brian.

 I'll be real with y'all: I've suffered from disordered eating since middle school. The genesis was when I had surgery to correct severe scoliosis during the summer between 6th and 7th grade. 

  Anyway, I really do not wish to delve into my lifelong issues with eating disorders. Rather I do want to remind people that disordered eating is an illness, much like drug and alcohol misuse. People with those sicknesses receive a lot more help and community support than those of us with disordered eating.  I'm grateful that there is help and more understanding available for some addictive illnesses, but my wish is to make eating disorders lose the stigma that surrounds them so people can feel safe to get much-needed help. 

 In October I fainted at church. 

 When I " came to" from fainting, my legs were so weak that people helped me get into our truck-- I did not trust myself to walk unaided. A retired ER nurse who is a member of the parish checked me for a concussion {I had fallen face-first into an upholstered chair} 

  I am NOT " cured" My eating disorder has been in remission for several years. However, my friend's death {non-COVID} this autumn triggered my need for control, which brought about a bad relapse.  {Thankfully, our hospital is close to both the church and our home.} I was able to get wheeled into the intake area & was cognizant enough to answer questions and fill out insurance paperwork from my wheelchair. 

  Not sure how long I would sit in the holding-tank of the ER waiting room, I asked Brian to drive the short distance to our house to pick up my tablet, my blanket and my Book of Common Prayer. 

  The medical staff at the hospital was thorough-- I was subjected to tests that ranged from blood samples to a chest X ray. It was during one of the blood draws that my priest phoned me. Obviously, I could not take her call at that moment, so I asked Brian to answer my phone and let her know I'll call later with an update.   It was via the chest Xray that the ER doctor saw the heart murmur.... and they listened to my chest several times and wrote orders for an EKG.  One of the nurses brought me food from the hospital cafeteria-- and my hunger allowed me to gobble the scrambled eggs and overcooked cheese grits as though it was the best food I'd tasted in my life. 

 My discharge papers said I had to arrange for a follow-up with my primary-care provider. The heart murmur concerned them. Additionally, I was told to increase my water intake-- as dehydration is more dangerous than malnutrition. 

 I am grateful for the good care-- especially during a pandemic-- from the Ascension Sacred heart Pensacola Emergency Department team. I am also grateful for my ever-patient spouse, Brian and my priest, Susan+ {I did talk with er on the phone later that afternoon and hearing her voice is always soothing.}

 Every day-- ESSPECIALLY during these weird times that continue due to COVIDIOTS refusing to do what is good and get the damn shots-- is a new opportunity to live a healthy life. 

 Life is good. 

 Amen. 

 Sarah Elizabeth McCarren

12/29/21

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#AdventuresOfAnneLynne Shoreline Park

                                      Anne-Lynne enjoying the sea air at Shoreline Park in Gulf Breeze. 

Today Anne-Lynne joined us for a morning visit to Shoreline Park, located just across the bridge.  It is located on the shore of the Intercoastal Waterway that runs between mainland Florida and the barrier islands. We've had some nice warm temps, and no rain, so Brian and I are taking full advantage of the safe Florida Outdoors. 

The weather was beautiful. 

                                              Me, living my best, safest Pandemic Life Photo by Brian 

We gathered some litter {I use a long set of tong-like things to grab trash while keeping my hands away from other people's cooties.} We saw that the park did not have much trash scattered everywhere-- the Park Service had been there earlier. 

Since we still had some credit left on a Panera Bread gift card, we treated ourselves to a late brunch. We went at an odd time, and it was easy for us to find a table away from other humans. 

I've decided that humans I do not know are all gross, as well as the few humans i DO know who refuse to do their part to end COVID. These people are stupid & selfish & I will call them out on their bullshit. No More Ms Nice Gal--- not when COVID protection is concerned! 

After brunch we returned to the park and enjoyed the clean salt air. 

Brian worked on one of his crossword puzzles and I read more of the book _Squirrel Hill_ by Mark Oppenheimer. This is a story of how the City of Pittsburgh came together after the horrible attack on Tree of Life Synagogue. As a Pittsburgh-area native, and someone with Jewish heritage, The Squirrel Hill Jewish community are my people, too. Reading the book helps me to remember how many truly good people of all traditions there are in Pittsburgh-- in spite of the city's unfortunate location in The Rust Belt. 

Spending time in Natre soothes my soul, and I am grateful that this holiday week has some Florida sunshine. It is nice to go to the sore and temporarily forget what a selfish, stupid, spoiled species we humans are right now. At the shore, I can briefly forget about COVID and commune with the sandy earth, salty water, and clean air. 

Amen. 

Sarah McCarren

Feast of St John 2021

Goals, Not Resolutions

 Here we are, almost ready to kiss Year 2021 goodbye. For me, it is not a moment too soon. What I'd hoped for in 2021 did not materialize, and in some ways, there was more " suckitude" in 2021 than there was in 2020. I'd had my heart broken several times this year-- mostly by people whom I'd thought I'd known. 

Covid is still here, due to some selfish people who value their " freedom" more than doing their part to save lives. Yesterday I bought myself some more three-ply masks with cute prints at the CVS-- since it looks like they will be a necessary accessory for the responsible Americans for the near future. And by golly--- we might as well keep making masks a fashion statement. 

I do not believe in Resolutions.  However, I do strive to be the best version of myself. Without further ado, here are my 2022 goals:

~ I plan to eat more {volume} food. I am too thin, and my malnutrition & dehydration landed me in the emergency room of the local hospital. I also plan to continue my mostly plant-based protein menu-- allowing myself the occasional meat product. I've discovered that I feel much better on a plant-based eating plan.  I just need to stay mindful of my nutrition & hydration intake. 

~ I plan to journal. After Doc died, I was fairly faithful with journal-keeping, but I'd fallen off that wagon during these holidays. Mom and Dad bought me one of those guided journals as a Christmas gift, and I find that the prompts are helpful. 

~I plan to do some serious work on dealing with people & situations that are " button pushers" I need to learn to respond, rather than to react to situations or people who anger or sadden me. Part of this will involve a Sacrament of Reconciliation during Lent, as I've learned that having my self- pity/anger buttons pushed by people or situations beyond my control is not good for my emotional nor spiritual health. 

~I plan to SAFELY spend time with loved ones. One of the hardest parts of losing my dear friend in late September is that COVID robbed us of an entire year where we could have made more memories before she became so sick. I know that it was necessary, but my heart still hurts that keeping each other safe precluded me from spending quality in-person time with a woman who gifted me with the change to really know her. The climate in Florida makes safer, outdoor gatherings possible. 

Stay safe this last week of Sucky Year : Part Two. 

Shalom...

Sarah McCarren 

12/27/2021

#Adventword #Greeting

                                           

Today's Advent word is : GREETING. 

To be honest, I am not feeling " merry merry" this season. Many parts factors into my Grinchiness,

The big reason for my bad case of the humbugs is the fact that this is Christmas of Covid Round 2.  In January {in spite of the attempted coup of our federal government} I had high hopes for Year 2021. Vaccines were rolling out and we were getting ready to have hope again. 

 Fast forward to late September. One of my dear friends and mentors died after a long {NOT COVID} illness. Doc had been {and still is} a huge positive influence in my life & I still feel her absence acutely. If Doc were alive, she would gently but firmly remind me of the many blessings I have & that Christians have a bigger reason for holiday joy than does this secular world. She was such a mature Christ-follower who never let me stay wallowing in self-pity for very long. 

 I miss you " Doc" Lynne. 

  Here we are again: people still refusing to mask and vaccinate. COVID struck people I love {mild cases, thankfully} but our Christmas Week gathering will be canceled or significantly shortened. 

 December is a dark month & I am affected by Seasonal Affective Disorder. I'm grateful for sunny days in Florida, where Nature feeds my soul. I'm grateful that Brian and I have plenty of food to eat, a paid for little cottage and a good little truck that is new-to-us. 

Yet I am weary. I am NOT all about the " good will towards humans" bullshit when a scary proportion of people refuse to take a simple series of shots that will protect themselves and other people.  I wear the masks in public, but I resent the hell out of the fact that this is still necessary. I mask to care for other, more vulnerable people such as children who cannot yet get their booster shots. 

 So, my #Greeting for this day is: Meh-y Grinchmas.  {kudos to the friend who penned that term!} 

Meh. 

And if all you can say during this week is " meh", please know you are definitely not alone. 

Have a gentle holiday. Reach out if you need to talk. 

Shalom...

~Sarah McCarren

Christmas Eve 2021
 

#Adventword #Feed

 According to my earliest memories, Nature has been soul-food for me.

Growing up interfaith, my family really did not have any rituals for marking time and the change of the seasons. We did not attend worship services anywhere, but I found my first personal connection to The Divine while exploring the central Appalachian woods near the house where I grew up. I felt the sacredness of the earth as a sat dipping my toes in a cool mountain creek, or sunk my fingers into the dark, fertile soil.

Beech Mountain, NC waterfall.

I found all the proof I need of a loving Adonai-- Creator merely by taking time to be totally IN Nature.

I've lived on the Florida Gulf Coast for most of adulthood, and I still am fed by the natural elements. Salt water is especially sacred to me, a swim in the emerald green waters of the northern Gulf of Mexico is a cleansing ritual-- a reminder of my baptism. I am mindful of the many small, shelled creatures that feed the sea birds. My affinity for Nature is seen on my home altar, as I keep stones, seashells, and other gifts from the Earth in my place of prayer.

Pensacola Beach, Florida.

For me, time in Nature feeds my soul like bread and water feed my body.

Amen.

Sarah Elizabeth McCarren

Anne-Lynne goes to PegLeg Pete's and Pensacola Beach #AdventuresWithAnneLynne

   Anne-Lynne went on her first adventure today. In the middle of the stress of the season, Brian and I observed Advent by taking a mental healt day {for me more than for Brian} on Pensacola Beach. Anne-Lynne hitched a ride in my purse-- apparently, she does not want to wait until the calendar changes to start her adventures! 

  Brian and I walked on the small Pensacola Beach boardwalk. It was quiet and empty, as the shops were just beginning to open when we arrived. It looks like there are repairs being made at the Quietwater Beach dock, so we did not stroll out to the dock as we like to do on boardwalk visits. The boardwalk is festively decorated for te season, including a HUGE wreath on the shell-shaped outdoor stage on the waterfront. 

 We then drove down the beach road to Peg Leg Pete's a seafood restaurant that is special to Brian and me for several reasons. It was here that we went on our first " official" date and it is also where we celebrate birthdays & anniversaries. Brian's birthday is later this month. 

                         Anne-Lynne hanging out with The Man himself-- Pete. Photo by the author 

We arrived at opening time {the ONLY way to eat at Peg Leg's} and were seated. Brian ordered the grouper sandwich basket, and I chose my usual-- fried shrimp basket. Brian ate my cole slaw, since I don't like cabbage. We sat on the porch and felt comfortable dining outside.  Honestly, for a FRESH seafood meal, Peg Leg Pete's is the best in our area. {and I AM NOT paid to endorse them!}

We then parked at one of the Gulf-side pavilion areas and breathed in the salt air as the sand cushioned our feet.  the tide brought in many se shells, so our walk was peppered by me stooping to gather shells. the Gulf water was churning, and no one was swimming, kayaking or surfing. A couple men fished from shore, but we did not see any fishing boats on the horizon. My hair whipped free around my shoulders, and I breathed in the salty, fresh air. 

Beach trips invigorate me. Salt air and salt water has a primal healing quality that soothes my soul. 

We are blessed to call the Florida Northern Gulf Coast our home. 

~Sarah McCarren

  12-16-21

Coming Soon: Adventures with Anne-Lynne

                                                              Meet Ragdoll Anne-Lynne. 

She is an original hand-made rag doll that I found at my church's annual Advent bazaar. Her creator makes dolls in the form of traditional Raggedy Ann and Andy, but each one is unique. If you wish to purchase a doll like Anne-Lynne, the e-mail for her artist is: psew@bellsouth.net. 

  I named the travel companion after two remarkable women who have gone to Heaven {whatever or wherever that may be... I don't know} 

  Anne was my paternal grandmother-- who died from cancer last December. Due to COVID, my parents, spouse, brother & his family could not safely fly to Pittsburg for the funeral Mass. A kindhearted cousin Zoomed the funeral for we southern McCarrens, but it is still hard to find closure from 1000 miles away. 

  Lynne, who {as she would have said} had her Homegoing in late September, after a long illness that was NOT Covid. I miss " Doc" every day, & sometimes still want to either text her on the phone or write her a daily email. 

  Both of these women, in her own way, shaped me as the person people know today. Grandma Anne's influence shaped my childhood & " Doc's" life lessons started when I was under her direction as a choir singer at The University of West Florida. 

  My promise to myself is to spend Year 2022 living fully and with joy. COVID situation pending, I plan to slowly re-emerge into life more fully. I know that COVID is not gone yet, but I am confident that both myself & people I know and love are doing everything we can to be safe. I have confidence in medical science, and while some activities are still off the table-- I'm looking to a 2022 with more opportunities to enjoy life again. {albeit with some caution because neither Doc nor Grandma would want anyone to get sick}  

 It is my hope to have some adventures with Anne-Lynne chronicled here on my blog.  I can think of no better way to honor these two women than to live life in full again. 

I hope you will join us...

~Sarah McCarren

#AdventWord #repent

 

   Repent is today's word. I've no appropriate photo illustration, so y'all will just get my word salad today. 

   The dictionary defines repent: 

 1.      to turn from sin and dedicate oneself to the amendment of one's life

2a: to feel regret or contrition

b: to change one's mind. 

After almost two years of living in Pandemic Life I keep hoping and praying for everyone to repent-- to change one's mind-- regarding vaccines for COVID19. My area is still {thankfully} low on numbers of new cases, but other areas of this nation are not so fortunate. I'm still careful in social situations, but I do not feel the need to return to isolation. I do not understand how people put their misguided notions of " freedom" before complying with a simple request to receive {free-of-charge for ALL} series of shots. Daily I read stories of bedraggled healthcare workers and overcrowded hospital wards and it breaks my heart. People's hearts are still hardened, and it is costing lives. Almost all of the deaths from COVID are from un-vaccinated patients. Furthermore, the new variant seems to attack younger people at a more deadly rate. yet some refuse to repent and tend to the health of the entire community. As much as I resent masking, I don a face cover every time I am in public among strangers. Masks are hot uncomfortable and muffle my voice. Yet I wear them because I know that my action protects both myself and other people. Y'all-- it is NOT " all about me"  Repent, grow up and think of others. Vaccinate. Amen. Sarah McCarren12/10/21

#AdventWord #Fullfil

                                                Brian and me. Springtime 2020

Today's word is FULLFIL 

{Honestly, who comes up with these crazy lists each year? }

Brian and I just celebrated our sixth wedding anniversary. It took long enough, but I finally found the person who complements me and who brings out my best. 

I tell single people who feel anxious about meeting " the one" to first find fulfillment in who God designed YOU to be. I made the mistake of looking for validation in other people. It never worked out. 

God made you. God loves you. 

Amen

Sarah McCarren

12.3.21

#AdventWord #Justice

                                                   Quote from the movie _ The Green Mile_ 

Today's word is JUSTICE. 

Whew, that is one loaded word right now!  There is a lot that I can say about justice, but I try hard to NOT point fingers and anger trolls. 

Oftentimes, we think of " justice" as a conviction or acquittal in a courtroom. Justice of this sort also looks different-- what might be " justice" for one side of a courtroom drama is anything but fair to the opposite side. 

There is so much work that we need to do to bring about true justice.  

 Honestly, we need to return to the basic Golden Rule, a version of which is found in every religious/ cultural system worldwide. 

Treat others as we want others to treat us. 

It is that simple, people. Don't be a shithead. 

Furthermore, we need to strive for justice in all taht we say and in how we interact with others-- especially others who do not look, pray, love, or speak as we do. 

" Justice" IS NOT only for " just us". 

Amen. 

Sarah McCarren

1222021
 

#AdventWord #Path

                                   Me hiking a path in the NC Mountains. Photo by Brian. 

Today's word is: PATH. 

 Growing up in central Appalachia I spent a lot of my growing-up years in the woods. As a matter of fact, the empty lot in my neighborhood where we kids hung out was colloquially called " the path". My brother and I-- along with other neighborhood sibling groups-- would spend hours playing on " the path". 

 I love the beaches of Pensacola, but part of my soul resides in the little-traveled Appalachian paths 

 I'm happy while hiking the Appalachians. Brian and I are fairly experienced day hikers and we've learned to trust what lies before us--- especially when hiking new paths.  

 I feel safe in the woods-- having grown up there and then marrying a hiker. Life is like hiking. 

 Be prepared. We make sure to have the correct clothing and gear-- both of us invested in a good pair of hiking shoes. Dressing in layers is important when tackling a new path in the woods, as weather can change at a moment's notice. We also bring fresh drinking water--as the body can become dehydrated quickly {especially on more vigorous paths} Snacks are also a necessity-- but pack trail-friendly fare that does not need refrigeration. It is also easier to pack and serve single-serving foods, such as granola bars. Please make sure to store all trash until the return to the trailhead. 

Do not veer off the marked path. Stay the course. It is safer. Occasionally a detour is inevitable, such as when the marked path is blocked. 

 Watch your step. Tree roots can literally trip a person if they are not mindful of their footing. 

 Use the buddy system: Take at least one other human along on your path. As is life, hiking is meant to be done with people. 

Enjoy the scenery. 

Amen. 

Sarah McCarren

12/1/21