Love is a By-Product of Grief

                                    Three yellow roses { symbol of friendship} on my altar Photo by The Pensacola Hippie 

'Love with open hands, with an open heart, knowing what is given to you will die. .It will change. Love anyway. You will witness incredible pain in this life. Love anyway. Find a way to live here, beside that knowledge. Include that knowledge. Love through that."

~Megan Devine _Its OK That You're Not Ok_ Managing Grief in a Culture that Doesn't Understand_

Yesterday the online version of the city newspaper had my friend's obituary published. I opened my Facebook account to see that her family had posted the obituary online.

Doc has been dead for over a week and my emotional wounds are still raw. Of course I cannot sit buried in my weighted blanket in my chair until the worst of this early stage of grief passes: I must carry on.

But well-meaning people who try to comfort me say things such as " Time to concentrate on the living" Newsflash: NOT HELPFUL to someone who just read the public obituary of a dear friend / mentor to whom I owe a debt of gratitude. Doc was with me during my time spent in the mental health ward of the hospital after a drinking incident. She loved me so much that she was REALLY angry with the choices that led me to that hospital ward.

" Sarah. please get help. I don't want to attend your funeral, " she said as she held my hands. Her voice was steady , but tears glistened in the corners of her eyes.

Thanks to my college choir director,, I started on the journey of figuring out what combination of brain medicine helps me function like a semi-normal human being.

Doc, almost twenty years to the week I will be going to your funeral.

Honestly, it sucks. Anticipatory grief sucked, but post-death grief REALLY sucks.

I've lost four people in the last year and a half { none, by the way to COVID} I lost a church friend , my grandmother, and my father's life-long best friend to cancer. I lost you to another long , debilitating illness. As much as I treasure the memories of George, Beni & even my Grandma, none of these people really got to see me grow up. The Sarah that they recall is not the person I am today-- and YOU-- Doc-- had a lot to do with my development.

Of course there are other people who are still alive who also have shaped me, but no one in Pensacola { other than my parents & spouse} has seen me mature into the woman I am meant to be. I always knew you to respond to me from a place of love-- even when we had our differences. You are the first person I met who truly lives in that agape love-- a love that God has for all God's People. Reading others' tributes to you on Facebook have been both cathartic and sad for me: I'm so grateful that I told you how much you meant to me in a letter when you were still living.

I love you. And you knew that before you passed on to Heaven. But because I love you I am in a process of working through grief that will change me. Yet to love anyone-- no matter the nature of the relationship-- will lead to grief. Knowing that I grieve because your influence in my life was so long-lasting and significant gives me comfort.

By the way: Enjoy the yellow roses.

Love,

Sarah