I am watching the 1999 Winona Ryder {and Angelina Jolie, who still somehow manages to look gorgeous when playing a sociopath} movie _ Girl Interrupted_ on Netflix. When this movie was in the theatres, I wisely stayed home, knowing that seeing a story of another woman's mental health demons would trigger me. Plus, I was still living in Rust Belt hell-- and was knee-deep in prepping for a big move with my mom.
Anyway, over two decades later I am watching the story {based on a book about one young woman's battle with mental illness} on Netflix. the story takes place in the late 1960's so some of the treatments {and all of the fashions} were horribly outdated. However, Ryder really gets into the role of a woman suffering from mental illness.
I've been in therapy or on medication for mental illness since my early teen years. Looking back, I am surprised that I am still alive-- mental health treatment in the 80's and 90's was only slightly more advanced than the late 60's during which the movie occurs.
I've been stable, thanks to a wonderful doctor who tried a combination of medications that smoothed my thought patterns enough to render me somewhat functioning as an adult person.
However, the two years of COVID has taken its toll on me. If I am not going through periods of high energy, where I do my best to channel into helpful and/or creative projects, I am angry and depressed. During one of these " manic' phases I painted obsessively--- producing art at a rate I never produced before.
That was this time last year.
Its January of 2022 and I am struggling to find the energy to accomplish anything. With COVID cases rising everywhere and an unusually " Florida Cold" winter, I struggle with controlling my thoughts. Depression is a lot worse for me, and for people who love me.
Now I am NOT in any danger but am feeling the effects of long-term Pandemic Life on my brain chemistry. I know I am also not alone in my suffering. Medications hel a lot--- but when someone has been living in a constant state of " waiting for the next shoe to drop {and shoes DO drop due to people who refuse to get vaccinated or mask indoors.}
I'm NOT okay-- and it is tiring to pretend daily that I am okay. My big fear is that this long-term pandemic Life will alter my brain chemistry so I will lose years of therapy. Being somewhat obsessive, I did call for an appointment with a new psychiatrist-- who is not available until MARCH {see I know I am not alone in this mental health mess} Thankfully, I am blessed with a wonderful support system in my spouse, my faith community, and others who have walked with me through this journey.
On the TV show _Criminal Minds_ the character of Dr Spencer Reid is quoted " I know what its like to be afraid of your own mind."
I feel ya, fictional brother.
My brain is tired of pretending everything is " normal'--- and that this prolonged COVID season is anything but horrible. After working so long to LIVE life fully, I resent the hell out of the fact that I struggle to keep afloat mentally every day while selfish people just go on enjoying their " FREEDUMB"
On behalf of all who suffer in mind and or spirit this COVIDtide: Don't be an asshole! Get the shots!
I do not know when I felt " balanced" since this pandemic started, and I fear that it has changed me. into 'Sarah, Interrupted'.
Enough!
Sarah McCarren
1/12/22
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