My Action Intention for 2022: HEAL

                        Beading is HARD: Here is my hand-strung Action Intention for Year 2022

 I am cautiously optimistic regarding Year 2022. I do not want to set the bar too high--- after all 2021 ended up a real cluster mug of a year--- for several reasons. Naturalist Jane Goodall says: humans need hope to survive as a species. 

 In that hope-full spirit, I've chose two words to guide me for 2022. First: my meditation word is REMEMBER.  Additionally, I've chosen another verb-- an action-- which to intentionally practice this calendar year. My Action Verb is: HEAL. 

 There is no doubt in my mind that there are a lot of people in need of healing now. While many of my thoughts go out to those most affected by either being sick with COVID or losing a loved on to this pandemic, ALL of us have some healing to do. 

  Jobs were lost. Marriages ended Thankfully, neither of these happened to me, but I am mindful of others whose Pandemic Collateral includes lost income and broken marriages. 

  Family ties have been strained or broken {regarding vaccination status and the contentious 2020 political season} 

 People stayed physically away from loved ones in order to keep others safe--- celebrations were either muted or totally cancelled in 2021. 

  We are all hurting. 

  For my own sanity and spiritual wellness: i need to:

~ Name the hurts that I've both experienced myself and inflicted upon others. 

~Confess to God in the presence of my trusted priest. This will help me put all the hurts into a big " God Box" 

~Make reparations if needed. 

~ Finally, I shall let that shit go. It is a heavy load, and I am weary of carrying it. 

Amen. 

Sarah McCarren

1/22/22

              
 

_Squirrel Hill_ and being a Christian with Ethnic Jewish Heritage

                                Flyer advertising the event with author Mark Oppenheimer's event in Mobile, Alabama next week. 

  Brian and I will attend a lecture/ book signing with Mark Oppenheimer, the writer of the new book _Squirrel Hill: The Tree of Life Synagogue & the Soul of a Neighborhood_ next week. The event, hosted by the Mobile Jewish federation, will be in Mobile on Wednesday evening. Brian, the wonderful spouse that he is, is willing to go with me to hear this author -- a well-known Jewish person with deep roots in Pittsburgh speak to an interfaith crowd.. It will be healing for me-- a Christian woman with family roots in Jewish Pittsburgh--continue to heal from the horrible attack on Tree of Life Synagogue. 

 I am Christian and proud of my faith. But as a person who was raised interfaith {we had a diverse, fun-filled childhood and was not baptized until age 20, violence against any Jews is personal to me. The fact that this occurred in a neighborhood in Pittsburgh that I've walked more than once further connects me to this neighborhood & the people who live here. 

  As I am connected spiritually to the Central Gulf Coast Episcopalian Christians, I am connected by literal DNA to Squirrel Hill Jews. 

 Antisemitism is real, and I've had things said to me as a child that no one should hear. People are cruel-- and it has been my experience that adults utter antisemitic {as well as racial, and anti LGBTQ+} slurs. My schoolmates didn't give a second thought of my interfaith background. However, some of their parents were not kind. Growing up in a rural, working-class area where everyone went to church on Sunday, so we were the odd family. 

Growing up interfaith in Greater Pittsburgh was a mostly wonderful way to be a child. My brother and I learned about various special days that our mom celebrated as a child. We also learned at an early age that not everyone prays in the same way. Our parents wisely did not push either Judaism or {Roman Catholic} Christianity on us. 

 Again, I say that I am proudly Christian, and totally at home in The Episcopal Church. But I am also proud of my heritage-- especially since Jews are almost nonexistent outside of the Pittsburgh City Limits. 

 I cannot and shall not forget that some Americans hate people just for different ethnic/religious ways of life. Each and every American should NEVER FORGET that all of Abraham's Children need to learn to get along. 

Shalom...

Sarah McCarren 

1/20/22 

Movie _ The Giver_ & St Irenaeus' quote on Being Human

                                         Me at the Mile High Swinging Bridge in western NC's Grandfather Mountain. I feel " fully human" and " fully alive" when I am in Creation. Photo by Brian. 

The glory of God is the human being fully alive.” 
~ St. Irenaeus of Lyon (AD 202)

Last evening, I watched a full movie on Netflix. Now please understand that I usually need to watch movies in two parts-- due to my poor eyesight & small size of my Kindle Fire tablet. 

 I had first encountered the story in _The Giver_ as a teen novel written by Lois Lowry. The novel, required reading for my Teen Literature course in college, is set in a futuristic society where Sameness is the law of the land. Each Family Unit {one woman, one man and two children-- one of each gender} live in Dwellings in perfectly manicured lawns. Each resident, in a coming-of-age Ceremony, is told what their future job will be-- the Sameness & a big brother-type government that would make libertarian-leaning conspiracy theorists soil their pants-- assigns each person a job. 

 Jonas, our hero {there are no last names here} is the last one of his graduating class who had not been assigned. the Chief Elder {played brilliantly by Meryl Streep} then tells the Community that Joans has been chosen to be the next Receiver of Memories. This person, who is held in high esteem by everyone, advises the Elders by looking back into history to a time before Sameness.  Jonas immediately begins training with the current Receiver {played by Jeff Bridges} Jonas asks his trainer what he should call him, and the old man says, "Call me The Giver". 

 The Giver transmits memories of things such as snow, music, dancing. Joans begins to notice colors in a world that became neutral in hue many years ago. The Giver also tells Jonas that he needs to stop taking the daily injections that each Community member takes in the morning. By doing so, Jonas learns what emotions are; and for the first time can feel LOVE. 

I won't give away any more plot points, but the movie had me musing about what it means to be " fully human". After all, we are messy creatures: with our capacity to communicate comes the various emotions that are part of living as a human.  

In order for the Communities in the book & novel to exist without conflict or pain, all memories and emotions associated with those experiences were taken away and {somehow} stored within the mind of the Receiver of Memories. 

Seeing all that Sameness portrayed in black and white and the sterility of the Community members other than Jonas and his mentor made me sad. I cannot imagine living in a sterile society without colors, changing seasons, art and music. 

But most of all, I cannot imagine life without emotions. While it is true that emotions can be trouble for us if we cannot control them, but the ability to love others is essential to our humanity. 

We have a Creator that loved humanity so much that The Creator became human-- complete with all our messiness-- and walked among other humans.  Our Creator loves Creation so much that They chose to humble Themself and be born in human flesh. Our Creator knows intimately how humans are made--- and trusts us with the gifts given to us that make us different from other creatures. 

Thank God that we are not living in Sameness. 

In the Name of the Holy Three....

Sarah McCarren 

1/19/2022

 

#Remembering My Belovedness by Hiking in the Woods #AnneLynneAdventures

                             Anne-Lynne accompanied Brian and me on a nature walk at the UWF                                     trail today. Photo By The Pensacola Hippie. 

Sunday we Christians celebrated Jesus' baptism. I was with the children during the first part of church, so I finally got to hear the sermon today {Thank goodness for video recordings of live events} 

Anyway, what struck me about her sermon, was that we are blessed to find the peace of Christ--within us. Especially during these COVID times, when life seems to change daily, we are blessed to be united with Christ -- Creator God in Human Form--- through Baptism. 

The word I chose for 2022 is: Remember.  For me, it is hard to remember that I am Beloved by Creator God--just as I am. There are no exceptions. 

 God loves me. My response to this radical love is to love people {especially people I do not like} In order to keep this memory of my Belovedness at the front of my mind I need to take time to meet Creator God-- to commune with God as I would a friend. 

 As a child, I always felt a connectedness to The Creator of the Universe while in the woods near my home. If permitted, I could spend hours soaking up the energy of the dark Appalachian soil. During warmer months I would relish in dipping my toes in a cool creek. 

Here in Florida, I seek and find private communication with God both in the piney Northwest Florida woods and by the blue-green waters of the Gulf of Mexico. 

                    Me resting quietly in a grove on the UWF Nature Trail. Photo by Brian 

Nature reminds me that we humans, as self-important as we are-- are really just one species on a planet full of plants and other animals. But, as we are made in Creator God's Image, we are Beloved enough that the Creator sent us Godself in human for as our Redeemer. God became an Earth-creature. In the Person of Jesus, the Christ, God used all five senses to experience Creation fully. God delights in God's own Creation. 

 I especially like to be around natural water. Growing up land-locked, the only safe source of natural water available to me were the creeks that snaked in the woods near my house. I am drawn to water, and I find that even looking at a body of water soothes my soul and connects me to a Loving Creator.

                                                  The creek running through the UWF Nature Preserve. 

My hope for 2022 is that we all find ways to remember our Belovedness. 

Amen. 

Sarah McCarren

1/14/22

 

Sarah, Interrupted 2022

 

                                   Me, before Mental Illness. Photo by Carolos Martinez, 1978 

I am watching the 1999 Winona Ryder {and Angelina Jolie, who still somehow manages to look gorgeous when playing a sociopath} movie _ Girl Interrupted_ on Netflix. When this movie was in the theatres, I wisely stayed home, knowing that seeing a story of another woman's mental health demons would trigger me. Plus, I was still living in Rust Belt hell-- and was knee-deep in prepping for a big move with my mom. 

Anyway, over two decades later I am watching the story {based on a book about one young woman's battle with mental illness} on Netflix. the story takes place in the late 1960's so some of the treatments {and all of the fashions} were horribly outdated.  However, Ryder really gets into the role of a woman suffering from mental illness. 

I've been in therapy or on medication for mental illness since my early teen years.  Looking back, I am surprised that I am still alive-- mental health treatment in the 80's and 90's was only slightly more advanced than the late 60's during which the movie occurs. 

I've been stable, thanks to a wonderful doctor who tried a combination of medications that smoothed my thought patterns enough to render me somewhat functioning as an adult person. 

However, the two years of COVID has taken its toll on me. If I am not going through periods of high energy, where I do my best to channel into helpful and/or creative projects, I am angry and depressed. During one of these " manic' phases I painted obsessively--- producing art at a rate I never produced before. 

That was this time last year. 

Its January of 2022 and I am struggling to find the energy to accomplish anything. With COVID cases rising everywhere and an unusually " Florida Cold" winter, I struggle with controlling my thoughts. Depression is a lot worse for me, and for people who love me.

 Now I am NOT in any danger but am feeling the effects of long-term Pandemic Life on my brain chemistry. I know I am also not alone in my suffering. Medications hel a lot--- but when someone has been living in a constant state of " waiting for the next shoe to drop {and shoes DO drop due to people who refuse to get vaccinated or mask indoors.}

 I'm NOT okay-- and it is tiring to pretend daily that I am okay. My big fear is that this long-term pandemic Life will alter my brain chemistry so I will lose years of therapy. Being somewhat obsessive, I did call for an appointment with a new psychiatrist-- who is not available until MARCH {see I know I am not alone in this mental health mess} Thankfully, I am blessed with a wonderful support system in my spouse, my faith community, and others who have walked with me through this journey. 

On the TV show _Criminal Minds_ the character of Dr Spencer Reid is quoted " I know what its like to be afraid of your own mind." 

I feel ya, fictional brother. 

My brain is tired of pretending everything is " normal'--- and that this prolonged COVID season is anything but horrible. After working so long to LIVE life fully, I resent the hell out of the fact that I struggle to keep afloat mentally every day while selfish people just go on enjoying their " FREEDUMB"

On behalf of all who suffer in mind and or spirit this COVIDtide: Don't be an asshole! Get the shots! 

I do not know when I felt " balanced" since this pandemic started, and I fear that it has changed me. into 'Sarah, Interrupted'. 

Enough! 

Sarah McCarren

1/12/22

#AdventuresOfAnneLynne #Coffee Shop and Real Bagels

                                             Anne-Lynne showing off with the bagel. Best in town: Flash frozen                                           from a NYC bagel shop Photo by The Pensacola Hippie. 

It is nice to be selectivly social with people whose safety parameters are equal or more stringent than ours.  Today I did something so simple-- such a " normal" ritual before the onset of COVID-Tide. 

 I sat in a coffee shop and enjoyed a REAL NYC style bagel and a cup of the best hot chai tea in Pensacola. My companion is a woman who is being even more stringent with COVID-safety procedures than Brian and me. My friend has a young child at home who is more susceptible to the Omicron variant. After feeling anger & resentment at people I know who refuse to vaccinate and/or mask indoors in large gatherings, {GRR} it was nice to relax with someone of the same heart & mind as me regarding COVID.  

Honestly, I still am angered, saddened & baffled by selfish adults who claim that requiring vaccinations and face-coverings in public indoor spaces is affecting their " Constitutional rights".  This is nothing but right-wing hogwash I can think of some stronger language, but I promised Brian that I'd curb the salty language {I am an Irish American born in the Rust Belt, so swear words are my second language} Anyway, the coffee shop that my friend and I patronized today is very conscientious about cleanliness & protection. The barista wears a mask at all times. 

 Self-care for me this year looks liken tending to those parts of my psyche and soul that are COVID-weary. If anyone has a heart-- it has been torn by COVID and how some still chose to downplay the risk. On Monday I made an appointment to start seeing a psychiatrist for anti-anxiety medication, since my wonderful Primary Care doctor is no longer permitted to prescribe such meds. For Lent, I plan to use the Rite of reconciliation with my rector. 

 COVID has taught me to savor the small stuff in life: Five years ago, I would have scoffed if I'd been told that a simple coffee date would mean so much. I'm ready to start socializing very safely. Frankly, I do not know if my soul will ever fully recover from COVID-Life--- I'd seen so much ugliness from people and choices were made for Florida residents that prolong the pandemic. These pre-pandemic " normal" rituals are as sacred-- perhaps more sacred right now-- as the Bread and Wine we receive. After all Christ IS in each of us and safe coffee ritual with a friend is a holy communion indeed. 

In closing, I want to say that this city NEEDS a Jewish deli. Y'all are missing out on some wonderful treats! 

Shalom...

Sarah McCarren

12th Night, 2022. 

Why I think Betty White Was a National Treasure.

                                        Ms Betty White was among the G.O.A.T s in Hollywood. Thank you for being a friend and role model, Ms. White. Cartoon in the General Use 

Mere weeks before her 100th birthday, Ms Betty White-- whom millions knew as " Rose" on the hit TV show _The Golden Girls_ has died. 

 For many reasons, I loved Ms. White for the PERSON she was as much {if not more} than I loved her role on the hit TV show that brought me many inappropriate laughs as a school-aged child in the 80's 

 Betty White was unapologetically her own person. In a time when women {even Hollywood women} were expected to conform to sexist and sometimes misogynistic societal norms for women. She divorced a man because he refused to support her career goals --  TWICE before her 30th birthday! { source https://www.ibtimes.sg/who-were-betty-whites-husbands-legendary-star-got-divorced-twice-before-age-30-62049  } She's proof that a beautiful Hollywood woman can and sould not depend on marrying well in order to advance her career. 

 White married game show host Allen Ludden and, although the couple never had children, Betty White was a stepmother to Ludden's children from his first marriage. After this spouse died of cancer, White chose to not marry "Once you've had the best, who needs the rest?"  she is quoted in an interview with the Late Larry King of CNN. 

Traditional, patriarchy-upholding people, take note. Ms White never had children of her own. That's correct, she did not feel that biological motherhood {and later grandmotherhood } As a 40-something woman who married " later in life { I was 38 } " & am unable to bear children, it is hopeful for me to read life stories of famous, and successful women who never had children. Betty White took control of her reproductive health at a time when women were expected to marry and push out babies quickly. 

 I'm blessed to have several childless sisters to whom I look up. But to be honest, even in these post-new millennium times, I feel like an outsider among many age-peers simply because I've no progeny. It's a natural " club" for mothers & grandmothers & I know I'll never be asked to join them. That is why the life and work of women like Betty White inspire me. 

 Ms White was a vocal advocate for racial equality & a supporter of LGBTQ+ persons in a time in history when White, Protestant {Male-driven} Straight people were seen as the norm. Betty White used her celebrity to give voices to vulnerable Americans. In her honor, I am re-dedicating myself to equality work. 

She also adopted a lot of rescue dogs. 

Betty, rest well. Thank you for being a friend and advocate for so many. Thank you for defining yourself on your own terms. Peace, Sista! 

In Love and Liberation...

Sarah McCarren 

1/4/22

#AdventuresofAnneLynne : New Years' Day at Navarre Beach

                                      "Anne-Lynne" and me at one of the Navarre Beach walkways on New Years' Day 2022 Photo by Brian 

 Hope-y New year, everyone. 

That is all I can dare to have as the calendar changed and a new 12-month cycle of keeping solar time begins. As I stated earlier-- 2021 dashed most of my hopes to totally get away from COVID. Here we are again in January, and people I know still refuse the request of community leaders regarding masking and/or vaccination. So, the best I can offer people as a greeting for this New Year is may it be hope-full.  Y'all, I simply cannot handle any more heartbreak brought on by COVID and people refusing to be good humans.  I'm not " happy", but I can be " hope-full". 

 Anyway, Brian and I enjoyed a New Years' gathering of food & football at my parents' house. the weather was breezy & sunny, so I suggested to Brian that we drive across the Navarre Causeway to see the Gulf. Dressed in jeans and a light jacket, we parked the truck at the first beach access area and strolled to the Gulfside recreation area.

 Brian chose to stay on the wooden walkway deck, but I removed my sandals and sank my feet into the soft & white Gulf Coast sand. I walked down to the water's edge and dipped my feet into the chilly water. BRR, this would suffice as my " polar bear plunge". 

                                            Yikes! The Gulf is too cold in January! 

I let the cold water wash over my feet as I closed my eyes and recalled the waters of baptism. At the start of another year of the Gregorian calendar, it felt good to connect with both my Christian identity & my Celtic Druid ancestry and give thanks for the gift of water. Water can be life-sustaining and life-destroying, and I prayed for an uneventful Atlantic storm season. 

I got out of the water and walked a bit, coming to the area under the Navarre Fishing Pier. Since I'd promised Brian that I would not venture far, I did an about-face and walked back to the walkway near where we had parked the truck. I noticed that there were two styles of beach-going dress. First there were locals such as me: dressed in street clothes and jackets. The second group of bathers came in swimwear. Several of them were in the water swimming, paddleboarding, or even surfing {the surf was up due to the front arriving later in the weekend} 

                             The Gulf is beautiful, even in a windy January afternoon. Photo by The Pensacola Hippie. 

 Portuguese Man-O- War creatures washed up near the shoreline. These things can STING, so I carefully watched my step in going to & from the water line. You DO NOT want to get stung by one of these creepy-looking critters! Photo by The Pensacola Hippie. 

My soul needed that sun, sand and salt air therapy as much as it needed a good supper at Mom & Dad's house. I DID NOT pack up everything & leave everyone I knew in order to spend winters indoors. I'm grateful that Life At Sea Level allows me to get my Nature quota on most days. 

Peace...

Sarah McCarren

January 2, 2022

 

Screw you, 2021-- on to A HOPE-Full 2022

                                                      Photo by Brian.  Hope-y 2022. 

Year 2021 was a year of a lot of " suckitude." As we ease into the next turn of the calendar, I am cautiously optimistic that things might get better.

 I had high hopes for 2021, but it ended up offering a lot of shit thrown my way. I wake on this New Years' Day with hope-- which scientist Jane Goddall says is essential to the survival of the human species. If you need a book by someone who has lived through a lot of shit & still retains her hope for humanity, I highly recommend Goodall's book _The Book of Hope_ as part of a Reading List for '22. 

 Hope is not wishful thinking. Hell, I do not know the last time that I indulged in wishful thinking.  My spouse says I am too much of a pessimist -- but I prefer to think I am more of a realist. I think back on this last year--- and the year prior to that one & I've seen some ugly behavior by we humans. To be real, I've probably participated in said ugliness, too. 

 First, there was the attempted coup by Americans. Misguided to a point of cultishness, Americans from all over descended on our nation's Capitol building in an attempt stop the democratic process of certifying votes by means of scare tactics and violence.  

  As vaccines became available, my hope surged. Alas, there were {and still are} selfish fools who think their " freedom" allows for them to shirk their responsibility towards the wider human race. It is 2022, and one of my goals I set for myself is to tackle things in life that continually push the anger buttons-- that which I cannot control yet tend to get " stuck" on. The people who antivaxx and antimask are a huge trigger for me. There are other triggers that I will keep to myself until time for Confession. 

 As part of meeting this goal, I plan to make use of my faith tradition's Rite of Reconciliation. We Anglican Christians have a rite that is similar to our Roman Catholic siblings' Reconciliation. However, the Anglican attitude towards Reconciliation is " All may {partake} Some should. None must" It has been three years since my last Rite of Confession, and I feel led to once again meet with my confessor. She also happens to be my rector and one of the few people whose advice I trust--- even {and especially} when I don't particularly like what she asks me to do/not do. 

Another hope-full goal I have for this year is to eat a larger volume of food, but to eat mindfully. Brian and I are pretty close to a plant-based diet {occasionally we indulge in meat} However, I need to make sure that my body has all the essential nutritional elements needed to be healthy. My spouse will join me in this mindful-eating journey. 

Brian & I plan to return to Beech Mountain, in Western North Carolina this summer for a week-long retreat and respite with family. We were fortunate to take two trips in 2021. Savannah was my birthday trip in May-- a first time for both of us to visit that charming city. 

                                     Tybee Island Lighthouse. Near Savannah, Georgia. 

 My return to Beech Mountain, NC was magical.  My brother & I went there as children years ago with our parents-- and my early experiences here are why I consider Western NC as one of my " homes"-- even though I never resided there. To me " home" is where one's soul is & I feel a special soul-connection to the North Carolina Appalachians. 

                                          Southern McCarren Siblings. Beech Mtn, NC. 

Late 2021 saw the death of a good friend & mentor in my life. Although she had been ill for a long time, COVID kept us from seeing each other until autumn. " Doc" and I would write emails {almost} daily but we could not safely see each other until late summer. I am glad I took that risk & made that after-Mass visit to see my former college choir conductor-- a woman whose wisdom & life lessons shaped me into the woman, and Christian I am right now. I'm still looking for that one photo I have of us together -- it was right before or after a UWF Singers concert. I give thanks for Doc's life-- she impacted everyone she met. But to be honest I also miss her here on Earth. I'll probably miss her forever, but rest in knowing what a blessing her memory is to me and countless others.  Brava, " Doc" 

.

My faith community weathered the worst of COVID-tide well. In July we were able to welcome our new associate priest, Reverend Ansley. She is a Yale Divinity School graduate and is a wonderful addition to our community. Ansley+ came to us as a deacon and was ordained as a full priest in Christ's Church in November. This was the first occasion for me to see siblings-of-faith from sister parishes in my Diocese-- it was truly a Central Gulf Coast mini-family reunion. 

                                     " Aloha Party" to welcome our associate clergy back in July. 

   My parents celebrated 50 years of marriage in November, and a cousin on Mom's side of our family got married. Brian& I were able to make that trip to Atlanta to celebrate Alex and his new bride, Holly. 

                                           Photo by Matt.  Mazel tov, Alex & Holly! 

My brother and his family bought a great house in 2021-- and it has room for all of us. One of my hopes for this next year is to see more of the Atlanta family, including the Atlanta Jaffe kin. 

In closing, I want to say that I am very cautious, yet hope-led this New Year. The last five years of life have whittled away any naive tendencies that I might have carried over from my younger years, but I'm enjoying the early " crone" years of midlife. I'm grateful for the people I know who help me be the best Sarah I can be daily.  2021 was rough, but I have hope that science will make COVID 19 akin to influenza-- controlled. 

Shalom...

Sarah McCarren

New Years' Day 2022.