#AdventWord #Soul

                                          Photo of my dear departed friend. This was used as her obituary photo, so I do not know whose work I share. 

Today's word is SOUL. 

 I am mindful that these holidays--- along with every holiday season-- can be hard on people who have lost loved ones this past year. 

 This year, I am remembering my former college choir director-- a woman who died from a complicated, long illness this autumn. 

 "Doc" was more than my college choir conductor. She was my friend. For over 20 years we exchanged {almost} daily emails sharing or lives and being cheerleaders for each other. To be honest, I still want to begin emails with " Dear Doc" & need to remember that she's no longer with us on this physical plane. 

  She was a little woman in stature but carried a BIG heart. 

  A soul like hers will not be forgotten. Doc loved God, her family, & her students and those of us who were blessed enough to know Doc on a more soul-sister level are still blessed by her influence. Doc and I shared a bond of trust that continues to right now. We trusted each other to keep what we say in confidence. 

  Now many different traditions and schools of thought try to define what a " soul" is for we humans.  I cannot define the word-- I can only report what I've experienced after Doc's death.  Her soul manifests itself by the life lessons that Doc offered to her students. I sense a lot of her when I work with my Godly Play students at church--- making a point to take a genuine interest in the students' lives as Doc did. I offer in my circle a safe play to " be" for the students-- because that is how Doc managed her rehearsal hall. It was more than choir--- it was community. 

  I have no solid definition for " soul" But as a Christian I believe that we are united in death with Christ & all our loved ones--- the mechanics of this " heart knowledge" are not important. Doc's soul is one of many souls with whom I feel a connection, & hers is the strongest. 

 Maybe our departed loved ones' souls show up in us?  To be honest, I have no idea.  All I know is that certain people's souls are so strong that their love & influence continues well after their Earthly lives. 

Do I miss Doc? I miss her every day. Yet somehow, I know that my soul and hers will connect again. In the meantime, it is my task to make the most of my remaining years on Earth. 

My soul rests in the knowledge of the Resurrection. 

Amen. 

Sarah McCarren

11/30/21

 

#AdventWord #Strength

                    Photo of two of the strongest people I know, my late Grandma Anne and my Dad's Brother Joe, who continues to fight various health problems with his sense of humor intact. 

Today's word is STRENGTH. 

I pause to give thanks and to celebrate the strength that many people I know {including myself} have tapped into during these strange times. 

Personally, I am weary of being strong.  I've been living in trauma response for so long that living with my guard always up has become my new " normal".  I agree that strength is a virtue-- as we must be strong to find resilience. but I find that it's hard to seek joy when my default mode has been stuck on mere survival. 

 Strength is tiring. 

 I give thanks for the people around me-- those examples of living saints who somehow find awe and wonder in every day. I look to these people-- and there are several joy-bearers in my life-- to remind me of God's love and in the inherent goodness of each person. 

  For me, being strong means that I don't let the world's problems define me. Part of this strength is to be mindful and very selective on which news I consume & from what source. It takes a lot of strength for me to stay focused on joy this holiday season. But with God's Help {and the help of the joy-bringers in my life} I will persevere in hope. 

Amen. 

Sarah McCarren

11/29/21 
 

#AdventWord2021 #Promise

 

                                            Our Menorah, ready for tomorrow's lighting.  Photo by The Pensacola Hippie 

 It is that time again, friends. Advent Word is here for Year 2021. This weekend sees the church calendar re-set itself. Advent is probably my favorite season of the year. 

 Today's word is PROMISE.  

  To be honest, I do not put much stock in promises of humans. After nearly two years, I am wary of beginning to have hope that Pandemic Life will slowly cease to exist.  I am still in trauma-response mode--- waiting for the proverbial other shoe to drop. 

 When I make promises, I see that I make every effort to follow through with my commitment. Pandemic Life has taught me that many humans still only care about their immediate gratification. 

 Today Brian said that some random dude asked him why he was masked in the store. My spouse replied jokingly " my wife makes me wear it. "I was not amused.  I insist that we don the mask mainly to protect other people from getting sick. I wear a mask because I promised Brian's daughter that I'll keep him healthy. 

  I wear the mask because I want to be part of the solution. For me, masking is done because I promised at my Baptism to do what I can to care for other people-- and this promise extends both to those whom I know and love and those I do not know. 

 I mask because I know that the King of Kings {such weird, archaic language} came not to be served, but to serve others.  In Christ God fulfilled God's promise to literally become " God-With-Us" and to teach humans a Way to Live and Love better. 

I trust in God's Promises, but I don't trust people to do what is right anymore. My mask is an outward and visible sign of the promises I made at baptism to love others as God loves me. 

Sarah McCarren

Advent 1 2020

Not so " Holly-Jolly "

                                                                My Betta fish, Luna. 

 Thanksgiving Day is Thursday ya'll.  Advent 1 begins on November 28 {which happens to be our wedding anniversary} 

  The ' most wonderful time of the year' is upon us. Frankly I'm not feeling too jolly. Last year's COVID holiday was rough-- and I honestly thought I'd be at a better " place" this year. After all, there are vaccines, and life is slowly opening up. 

  I am still reeling from so much ugliness, and while taking baby steps to live somewhat of a post-pandemic life, I struggle daily to remember how blessed I am. 

  Additionally, I am still reeling from losing a friend {to a non-COVID long term illness] back in late September. This is the first significant loss of a friend -- a woman I'd known for over 20 years and who was a big part in my growth as a person and as a Christ-follower. Thanksgiving was her favorite holiday-- so I'm especially mindful of her closest loved ones this week. 

 Brian and I will spend a couple days {driving--- we don't go near airports or airplanes} in Atlanta with my family. Brian continues to feel better as that poison that he'd been getting every three months slowly leaves his body. 

 I am just not " holly-jolly" this season. It is my hope and prayer that Advent will see me in a more cheerful, anticipatory mood. Advent is my favorite season of the church year--- to be honest I love Advent so much that Christmas Day is always a bit anticlimactic. 

  But this year-- at least so far-- I am full of " bah humbug".  To be honest, I see myself as responding to Reopening in a very cautious way. After a year of losses and setbacks, it scares me to even entertain Post-Pandemic Life. Brian and I {at my insistence} are still masking when we go anywhere among the general public. I still balk at indoor entertainment venues-- we had tickets to a choir concert at the university last week and an hour before we were scheduled to leave, I panicked and told Brian that I'd rather NOT go. My spouse, per usual, was grace-full and didn't bat an eye at my seemingly odd request to stay home. Tickets were free of charge, so no money was lost by my mini freak-out. 

 I think I am channeling my inner Grinch in part as a response to the trauma of the past 24 months. My soul cannot handle any more losses at this time, so perhaps I am Grinching as a defense or as a way to cope with the forced unnaturalness of COVID. 

 I just cannot take any more loss, so I am building walls to keep my psyche safe. 

 Bah humbug. 

 ~Sarah McCarren

11.22.21

Planners and Scary Things: How It is Going So Far...

           Moving towards a truly post-Pandemic life at turtle pace. Photo by The Pensacola Hippie

   I am putting the planner that I bought to good use--- faithfully scheduling each day, while leaving room for grace if plans need to change.  As we slide into a semi-" normal"  Holiday Season 2021, I am glad I chose to buy the planner. I bought it in good faith that COVID will remain more contained as children slowly get vaccinated. 

  Brian and I still mask in public indoors--- the few times we are mask less is if we know it is a safe environment . MOST people with whom we come in contact are vaccinated, and rates of infection here seem to be steadily on a decline. I allow the hope to become a wee bit of anticipation. 

  I think COVID is here to stay, in that a booster will be a yearly rite-- and I am okay with  rolling up my sleeve. 

  The spouse and I are making a BIG foray into " normal;" on Friday. We are attending a concert on Friday evening inside. { yes we will mask and use hand sanitizer} We will enjoy a concert by my old college choral group: The University Singers. The program is a piece that honors the life of Matthew Shepherd, a young man who was brutally murdered for being LGBTQ+ The tickets did not cost anything but were by reservation only. { My guess is to control the crowd} Neither Brian nor I have been to an indoor entertainment activity since before the onset of COVID Life. 

  This is also significant, because some of my best college memories occurred in that Music Hall-- and I remember fondly my UWF Singers conductor, Dr Lynne Lauderdale. I still miss " Doc" terribly, but wise women { yes, more than one} have said ' the only way around something is through it." Doc's birthday was earlier this month, and it will be a fitting tribute to my friend to return to the UWF Music Hall to enjoy some music while supporting my university's Music Program. 

  At turtle pace, I am allowing myself to feel more alive. After almost two years of existing in survival mode---I am out of practice on what it means to live.  Love of neighbors kept us secure in our homes and shunning any sort of public space--- as much as I loved attending the Homecoming UWF Football game in October-- there was a lot of anxiety regarding  other people that I had to put in the ' God Box' so I could enjoy the game experience. 

  The same will be true for this concert. COVID has whittled my trust in the general public, but I know that both Brian and I have done all we can to protect ourselves and those we love-- and those we don't even know. We are slowly stepping out into the wider world again. 

 However, some things are still off the table :

~ Movie Theatres 

~Bowling Alleys { I have not bowled in years anyway}

~Airplane Travel { Maybe in a couple years I'll feel safe getting on a plane, but flying makes me nervous anyway, TSA agents are gross and I'd always arrive home from a plane trip with some sort of minor ' crud'. }

~Gyms. { I like to work out by doing something outside, but cold/ rainy days used to be gym days. Not anymore} 

How's it going? The short answer is: not too badly. I'm grateful that Brian and I are healthy and can reasonably enjoy Life again by taking small steps.  I know this is not everyone's reality, and I accept we all are on different pages regarding Re-Entry.  Trusting God is easy. Trusting people: pointless. 

 I am glad I bought the planner. In faith, and knowing we do all we can to ensure safety of ourselves and others, we step out. 

  Shalom...

~Sarah McCarren

17 Nov 2021

 
 

I Bought a Day Planner

    Random photo of me {taken by Brian} during one of our UWF hikes. Outside, mask less & smiling. 

 Y'all, I did a thing today-- I did a scary thing. 

  I put my trust in The Divine and took a BIG " leap of faith". 

  I bought myself...........................................................................................

  A DAY PLANNER FOR YEAR 2022 

Brian dropped me off when the book & stationary store opened and I found a cute day planner. 

At the checkout line, I debated returning the day planner to the shelf. 

After all, who am I to tempt fate?  After almost two years of Pandemic Life--- with Year 2021 bearing several false starts towards The New Normal -- I felt wary of completing any action that spoke of hope for the next 12 months. 

During 2021, time & time again, my human siblings let me down. As was masking, in 2021 vaccination-- protecting oneself & other people from a potentially deadly virus-- became divisive.  It mattered not that the government ensured that no one would need to pay to receive the lives-saving series of shots in an arm. 

Whereas I anticipated Vaccination Days with hope and joy, other Americans {some whom I know & love} refused to line up for the shots. A surge in the virus this summer caused setbacks. While it looks like we'll eventually totally emerge into the Post-Pandemic World, I am scared that the misguided " Freedom Fighters" in my state & elsewhere will dig in their cattle-rustling boot heels and double down on their insistence to make choices that endanger others. 

I don't trust the general public anymore, but today I chose to err on the side of hope {and science} & purchased that day planner. Pre-Pandemic, Brian & I both had busy schedules that needed coordination. When the world shut down {allegedly} for two weeks " to flatten the curve" I thought " I can handle anything for two weeks. But weeks turned into months in 2020 as the pandemic continued ravaging the world. 

Many people are emerging from this pandemic experience with trauma-related neuroses. I, for one do not trust the general public-- Brian & I still faithfully mask up indoors in public spaces {such as retail stores} Both my spouse & I are vaccinated & boosted, but my concern is with the other humanoids I see in public. Later this month, we will attend our first indoor entertainment venue as we listen to The University of West Florida Singers present their Fall Concert. This venue-- the Music Hall in the UWF Center for Fine & Performing Arts-- is one that houses some of my fondest memories from college. Choir was my safe space--- where a motley crew of singers from all over the University community {not just music majors} gathered for music-making, team-building & where I found a sense of community on campus. 

Twenty years ago, I was much more trusting. Hell, five years ago I still believed that most humans are inherently good. I am not sure that is true--- not after 2020s-- Pandemic and Nasty Election Season. 

I bought the planner in part to reclaim my agency --- a self-determination that I gave up in order to protect myself & others from " La Rona" {as some friends call it} After almost two years of Pandemic Life-- I am not sure ow to begin Post-Pandemic Life. The day planner serves as a tangible reminder that I need to lean into my sense of hope & resiliency as we walk steadily but carefully into A.D. 2022. " La Rona" did not claim my life-- and it is up to me to decide how to spent the second act of life. 

I bought a Day Planner today. 

Amen. 

Sarah McCarren 

12 Nov 2021 

Journey Statement

                                                     I am a BIG fan of John Pavlovitz. 

Last evening Brian and I attended a Wednesday night programming {yes, we are slo-ow-ly moving into post-pandemic life} at our church. It was the last chapter of a four-week program on _Wellness_ and our rector presented on " spiritual wellness". 

It was quite good, but I am highlighting my biggest take-away from her presentation. I think this idea is good for several reasons, one main reason being that it can apply to any spiritual path--- it is not exclusive to we Christians.

A Journey Question, or Journey Statement, is one that should point us towards being our best selves. {In Christianity--being our best selves is spelled out by Jesus' Way of Love} How should we strive to live out our days on Earth? 

At the tail end of a pandemic, with many societal and several personal losses happening over the past two years, I've been pondering this question a lot lately. 

Why am I here. What is my legacy? How can I, Sarah, make the most out of the approximately 45 years {hopefully} that I've left to grace this Earth. I'll share some song lyrics that have been running in my head on auto-play lately. I am not a huge fan of country music, but these Tim McGraw lyrics beg the same question that I'm asking myself.... 

"And I loved deeper
And I spoke sweeter
And I gave forgiveness I'd been denyin' "

And he said "Someday I hope you get the chance
To live like you were dyin' "

Like tomorrow was the end
And ya got eternity to think about what to do with it
What you'll do with it?
What can I do with it?
What would I do with it?"  ~ Tim McGraw _ Live Like You Were Dying_

Living through this pandemic, plus the added fact that I am in my mid-forties-- has me feeling rather contemplative. How can I best live out my Baptismal Covenant -- and be the best version of myself-- during the second act of life? How can I be a servant-leader in my community and how can I best use the gifts granted to me by our Creator to serve others? 

I can, with God's help, make the world a better, kinder, more compassionate place. Will I screw up? Yes. Yet I rest secure that I am Beloved -- and each new days is a chance to do my part to promote kindness, compassion and love for all. 

We as a society are emerging from the ugliest season in my lifetime, and there are many communal and individual trauma wounds that we all need to nurse back to health. Covid-tide has taken its toll on our collective emotional, physical, mental and spiritual health. 

How will we use our allotment of post-pandemic time on Earth?  I, for one, am tired of all the ugliness that the pandemic brought to the surface.  Each day, let me strive to be light for others. 

Amen. 

~Sarah McCarren

11 Nov 2021

All the Saints : 2021

                Bright yellow rose: symbol of friendship. Photo By The Pensacola Hippie

November 1 is All Saints' Day, where we honor those who have moved on beyond Earth. 

In 2021 I lost five special people in my life. While all these good people's lives have impacted me in a positive way, there are some whom I'll miss forever. 

~ Conley " Bubba" Rockhold.-- Surf kayaker. Gym buddy of Dad's. 

~Frank " Beni" Habennicht--- Dad's best buddy since childhood and honorary " Uncle" to my brother and me. We'd not seen much of each other since we moved to Florida but " Uncle Beni" and his family are a huge part of my growing-up years. I still recall fondly the wonderful HUGE Independence Day parties at his house--- when all of Dad's high school crew and their families would gather for fun, friendship and LOTS of beer. He is missed . I'd wish we'd spent more time together when I grew up-- but that did not happen. Anyway, I know he loved me like a niece. 

~George Milner-- From the day I walked into Bible Study at St Christopher's , George made me feel welcome. He was a faithful attendee of both the Wednesday healing service { before COVID} and the early Sunday Mass. 
 

~ Anne Elizabeth McNallan McCarren- " Grandma Anne"  She is the only family member who introduced me, in a gentle  non-threatening manner, to the life of Jesus. She had a cut out letter sign  on her big Box TV set in the family room that said J-E-S-U-S. As a small child, I remember tracing these letter and asking Grandma Mac { a devout Catholic} Who or what this meant.  Grandma, in a real way, was my first religious instructor. She told me about the good things Jesus did, and how we humans should strive to be more like Him. I credit her as the person who introduced me to Jesus' Way of Love. Grandma also taught me to speak up and stand up for my values--- even in Red-as-Blood Butler County, Pennsylvania. I am the eldest of 15 grandchildren on this side of the family tree-- so I was the recipient of a lot of weekends with the McCarren grandparents. Grandma always had Sunday Dinner-- when all the immediate family would come together for food and whatever Pittsburgh-area sports team was playing during any time of year. As the grandchildren grew up, fewer showed up for Sunday Dinner--- but she faithfully fed her family from her kitchen each week. 

This is the hardest one...

~Dr Lynne Allison " Doc" Lauderdale-- my University Of West Florida choir  conductor and someone who became a dear friend and mentor. Doc also was influential in my faith development. She LIVED a life of Christ's Way of Love. She and I mostly communicated via email daily for 20 years. Grandma Anne introduced me to Jesus, but Doc showed me how to best imitate Him. After Doc died, I was heartened to see all the tributes to this amazing , talented, beautiful woman whose smile  reflected her soul. She is missed by so many friends & family in Pensacola and other places. Doc was only 67 years old-- but packed a lot of life into her short time on Earth. I know she wants me to live a healthy, life full of service to others -- and that is what I shall continue to do. Through our emails, phone calls and in person time, Doc was the greatest ' life-lessons' teacher God could have granted me. Her Homegoing { as she would say} is still fresh but I know she would want me to do my best to live well for others. I was blessed to have Doc in my life for 22 years-- and I know she is healthy & whole. 

Blessed All Saints' Day, folks. 

~Sarah McCarren

11/1 21