"If you hold back on the emotions – if you don’t allow yourself to go all the way through them – you can never get to being detached, you’re too busy being afraid. You’re afraid of the pain, you’re afraid of the grief. You’re afraid of the vulnerability that loving entails. But by throwing yourself into these emotions, by allowing yourself to dive in, all the way, over your heard even, you experience them fully and completely.”
~Mitch Albom
I read Albom's best-selling book _Tuesdays With Morrie_ years ago and it is still among my Top Ten Most Influential Nonfiction Books. The synopsis is that a middle-aged man finds out that his college mentor: a sociology professor was slowly dying of ALS. { Lou Gehrig's Disease} Finding his sickly former teacher receptive of his visits, the two men embark on a "Last Lecture" For several weeks, Albom makes the trek to Boston to see his old friend. In doing do, he kept the older man company as his illness robbed him of his body.
Anticipatory grief is new to me, and there were several circumstances that keep me from sharing sacred time with my friend. Like Albom, my friend's field of expertise is not mine, but our pats crossed on campus anyway and we emailed faithfully almost every day since graduation--- sometimes having whole conversations via long email threads.
Back in late 2019, I noticed that I got less frequent communications from my friend. I chalked this up to my busy schedule, her busy schedule { even though she formally retired from teaching at the university several years ago, she'd kept an active private studio
Then COVID hit and my friend told me she was NOT leaving her house. Well, at the time I knew many people " sheltering in place" so I did not think her choice to be odd. However, what I did not know -- because she did not tell me-- was that my friend's health was declining. To be honest, my empathic gifts warned me that my friend is not well but I shrugged that off as " borrowing trouble". I also sense that she wanted to tell me about her illness but for some reason felt the need to keep me in the dark regarding her health.
Mitch Albom was so blessed to have that tender time with his special teacher. Due to COVID and my friend's unwillingness to share her medical condition sooner, she and I have limited time. In the Godly Play curriculum that we use at my church , we tell the children " we have all the time we need."
But what if someone is terminal? Furthermore, what if they are terminal and its a Pandemic? The truth is: she and I do not have all the time we need. Her time is limited and we are still stuck in a pandemic-- granted with vaccinations it is safer to go out and visit other vaccinated people. But I also acknowledge that I'm frustrated with my friend for staying silent with me. She and I have shared so much of our lives--- both the joy-full and tear-full-- that she should have trusted me with this sacred knowledge. We would have had more time for phone dates and porch talks-- when her health was able to let her do these things.
We lost so much damn time.
So right now I am stuck processing all the emotions that are part of anticipatory grief--- while caring for a spouse who had been sick from anticancer treatments. { Thank God that is OVER as of today-- my heart is grateful. }I cared for Brian tenderly and I would have--- had I known--- at least granted my friend some social time. Now that Brian is on his way to a full recovery , I am stuck with all the emotional shit that comes with loving someone who is terminal all while continuing to monitor Brian's recovery.
I wish I could post a photo of my friend when she was healthy--- the beauty of her soul shone through her eyes and smile. Physically, she is not that same person and I am starting to notice some behavior changes in our brief text messages. After all-- we've been e-pals for over 20 years-- I know her writing style. I know that soul-- her essence--- will never change. But as her Light on Earth slowly changes, I see a change in her that is probably natural but so hard for me to see. I love her--- but I do not know how to best BE Christ's Hands & Feet for her.
Love requires sacrifice. Jesus showed us that on The Cross. As human as we are, He also understands sorrow. God understands--- since They chose to be a human and love like we do.
But I am a mere human with no superpowers to turn back time or to heal my friend.
I feel so many things, guilt, frustration, nostalgia---- that are probably part of this horrible anticipatory grief. This is an unmapped journey for me.
Amen.
Sarah Elizabeth McCarren
20 Sept 2021
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