2021 has , so far, been almost as strange as 2020. After a short reprieve, another huge surge of a variant of COVID has many of us vaccinated people masking an being very selective regarding with whom we see ' in person" . Many meetings have returned to ZOOM & the Florida Virtual School here was overflowing with new applicants thanks to our Governor's insistence on not forcing masking in public schools.
Years 2020 and 2021 are also years that I've said a " see you on the other side" to several people I know and love. Thankfully, no one in my immediate circle has been killed by COVID-- but like all Americans-- people I love have gotten sick with the virus.
Right now I am dealing with a lot of anticipatory grief -- a woman whom I've known and loved as a mentor & friend since my college days at The University Of West Florida is very ill. After church a couple of weeks ago, I visited her { and brought her " Communion-to-Go" as she's been worshipping online & therefore has not been able to receive the Holy Sacrament. Our visit was short-- I'd brought her some flowers and a care package of little things that hopefully would make her smile. Our visit was life & love affirming, but so strange in many ways. For instance, I kept my face mask on during our time together--- knowing that she { although vaccinated} is vulnerable due to her lungs being weak. I feel fairly confident that I am not carrying COVID-- but even a slight airborne infection could be deadly to my friend.
My friend could not see my big smile under the protective face accessory, but I could see hers. This person has a big smile that can still light up a room-- and in that smile I saw my friend's soul shining though her weakened body. This woman, in spite of her physical limitations, still is the same beautiful soul that has been my friend & mentor for over twenty years.
I sat in the chair next to hers during our visit { I did not of the talking, as her voice is weak} As much as I wanted to hold her hands and pray with her-- I refrained from doing so in the name of keeping er safe. The same applied to a farewell hug-- it did not happen.
Interestingly enough, I could not bring myself to say " goodbye" Not knowing if and when I'll see her again, I did not want to make such a seemingly permanent proclamation-- not saying the word was as much for my sake as it was for hers. Instead , I told her that I love her & that I'll be in touch.
We've been texting daily since that visit-- usually I'll send her a good morning text with a photo attached of some pretty flowers, my dog or betta fish, or something else I know she'd enjoy. If she is too tired to text, she lets me know. I reply that I'll text her again the next day. I know these brief interactions make her happy & let her know that I am keeping her in my heart.
This is some of the most loving, most challenging ministry I've done. I keep reminding myself that -- her soul and mind are still intact, but her body is failing. She tires easily, so I do not visit each week & when I do, I keep it brief. If she is not in a place to talk, I will sit silently. Perhaps I'll bring some disposable gloves when I visit, so at least we can safely touch each other's hands.
My friend has been there for me { and I for her} over some pretty rough stuff over the past two decades. Yet I would never change anything-- my life is so rich in part because I let this person into my world. Stephen Schwartz, in _Wicked The Musical_ has a song that speaks to my heart about how I feel about this friend. Here are some of the lyrics:
"I've heard it said
That people come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we must learn
And we are led
To those who help us most to grow
If we let them
And we help them in return
Well, I don't know if I believe that's true
But I know I'm who I am today
Because I knew you...
Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you
I have been changed for good
(Elphaba)
It well may be
That we will never meet again
In this lifetime
So let me say before we part
So much of me
Is made of what I learned from you
You'll be with me
Like a handprint on my heart
And now whatever way our stories end
I know you have re-written mine
By being my friend.." { Stephen Schwartz, Wicked The Musical }
It is, however, the last part that rings true for me & brings tears of sadness & joy every time:
"Who can say if I've been
Changed for the better?
I do believe I have been
Changed for the better
(Glinda):
And because I knew you...
(Elphaba):
Because I knew you...
(Both):
Because I knew you...
I have been changed for good" { Stephen Schwartz Wicked The Musical }
Thank you. You know who you are. I still have so much I want to say to you but know this: You have changed me ' for good"
With Love Light and Liberation....
Sarah McCarren
1 September 2021
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