Thomas Merton on Love

                                         Photo taken as I descended the stairs of the Tybee Island Lighthouse  in Coastal Georgia. Photo by The Pensacola Hippie. 

"Love seeks on thing only, the good of the one loved. It leaves all the other secondary effects to take care of themselves. Love, therefore, is its own reward. ~~ Thomas Merton. 

 Love-- in all its varying forms-- is beautiful. Love also, for many reasons can hurt. Now , the English language sorely lacks the words needed to express  the concept of " love'. After all, the human emotion that in English we call " love" can take many forms. 

Friendship-- especially a deep friendship a woman has with an older woman who shows the younger how to best live a Christ-centered life is a deep soul friendship. I am blessed to have such a relationship . What started out as a necessary Fine Arts requirement in college evolved into a deep soul-sisterhood. 

But Merton is onto something when he said that the verb " to love" is an action verb . Furthermore, sometimes to love someone--- especially a beloved who is sick and/or near death-- can be heart-wrenching. 

After a fruitful & prayer-full talk with my priest, I've decided to slowly back away and give my friend the peace she needs right now. We all take the journey towards The Other Side, and each of our journeys will be different.

This is her journey 

 After much prayer  and after talking with my priest, I've decided to not return to my friend's house for one " goodbye"  She and I have already said what we needed to say to each other-- both in-person and in writing-- and for me to visit her one last time " for closure" would not be healthy for either of us. I know she wants me to remember he as the vibrant, beautiful-- tough but so tenderhearted conductor she was -- as well as the two seasons we enjoyed together when I sang with the Gulf Coast Chorale. 

I want to remember her  healthy , whole and usually telling me to not swear so much when I am frustrated :) 

I remember the woman who loves her NFL football team as much as I love my Steelers. I remember tasting bread pudding { yum} for the first time during one of our lunch visits. I remember her telling me what it was like going to an all-girls high school { Yuck, can you imagine??} and working hard to straighten her curly hair . I'll remember her perfect cheekbones and big smile, and " the eyebrow" she gave we sopranos when we were not paying attention in rehearsal. 

I don't need, nor want " closure" at this point. 

My final gift to this amazing person will be one of quiet space. To help me cope, I've developed some rituals such as keeping fresh flowers on my home altar { she LOVES flowers} and a photo of her where I can see her as I know her during my morning and evening devotions. 

This is hard, holy work. But it is what she needs, and to be honest, what I need at this time. She gets space for whatever she must do now, I get over two decades of wonderful memories that have shaped me , and will continue to shape who I am now. 

Loving someone --- no matter who they are to us--- always will hurt when sickness comes. 

It is worth it. 

~Sarah McCarren

  27 Sept 2021

Empaths and the " Mind-body" Connection

                                              St Catherine of Siena quote. 

Yesterday I had a good, fruitful talk with my priest about some spiritual/ emotional issues that were in my life { including Brian's bad reaction to the cancer--scaring hormone treatments but he's OFF THOSE DAMN DRUGS as of Monday. Alleluia! 

Cancer : You LOSE Brian beat your sorry cellular ass!  I am so proud of my Marine-- he's been such a trooper through all of this mess. But the last dose of hormone treatments made him so ill that he was worried and I was frightened .No: more like I was terrified. I'd waited well into my 30's to meet and marry my person, and was not ready to live as a widow.. 

The other big issue that I talked with my priest about involves someone else I know--- someone's story I do not have the authority to share in public. I went to my priest not just because she is my priest, but because she is one of the most honest { and honesty is required often to get people to see things differently.} I also trust her because of who she's proven herself to be: a faithful servant to all God's People. I knew that her integrity as a human would keep whatever was said in her study between us. 

One of the reasons I sought out some help from my spiritual advisor is that all this " stuff" had been causing me to feel stress pain in my neck muscles and some { yucky} unpleasant gastrointestinal distress. I was also confused: with middle age comes some new experiences that are hard for everyone-- but especially for people such as myself. 

I'd carried the weight of Brian's illness and the situation of someone else I love deep within me. As an empath, I tend to be a deep " feeler". Yet the human brain-body-soul connection is real-- and as an empath my stress and other negative emotions were manifesting within my physical self.  The pain and the unpleasantness of the gut trouble was NOT  " all in my head" { just trust me on that-- I'm not gonna get graphic with explaining}

The mind=-soul-body connection is real for all people, but some of us experience spiritual/emotional stress as honest-to-goodness physical symptoms. 

On Tuesday I walked into my priest's office with a sore gut and tight neck muscles. After our chat and prayers, I felt some weight lift from me. My neck muscles relaxed as best they can for a scoliosis patient and my gut became pain free and started acting healthy. 

As an empath, I KNOW that I need to check myself often. While I am still waiting on that referral to see a therapist, I am grateful that my priest can offer both practical and spiritual care. I'm grateful that she asked me to do the heavy soul examination myself. 

My soul is clearer and my body feels better. 

My advice to readers: Listen to your body. Talk to someone you trust and who can be honest with you. 

For the first time in a month, I'm feeling  great! 

Amen. 

Sarah Elizabeth McCarren

22 September 2021

Mitch Albom on Grief

                            Sunset on Beech Mountain, NC Photo by The Pensacola Hippie

"If you hold back on the emotions – if you don’t allow yourself to go all the way through them – you can never get to being detached, you’re too busy being afraid. You’re afraid of the pain, you’re afraid of the grief. You’re afraid of the vulnerability that loving entails. But by throwing yourself into these emotions, by allowing yourself to dive in, all the way, over your heard even, you experience them fully and completely.”

~Mitch Albom

I read Albom's best-selling book _Tuesdays With Morrie_ years ago and it is still among my Top Ten Most Influential Nonfiction Books. The synopsis is that a middle-aged man finds out that his college mentor: a sociology professor was slowly dying of ALS. { Lou Gehrig's Disease} Finding his sickly former teacher receptive of his visits, the two men embark on a "Last Lecture" For several weeks, Albom makes the trek to Boston to see his old friend. In doing do, he kept the older man company as his illness robbed him of his body.

Anticipatory grief is new to me, and there were several circumstances that keep me from sharing sacred time with my friend. Like Albom, my friend's field of expertise is not mine, but our pats crossed on campus anyway and we emailed faithfully almost every day since graduation--- sometimes having whole conversations via long email threads.

Back in late 2019, I noticed that I got less frequent communications from my friend. I chalked this up to my busy schedule, her busy schedule { even though she formally retired from teaching at the university several years ago, she'd kept an active private studio

Then COVID hit and my friend told me she was NOT leaving her house. Well, at the time I knew many people " sheltering in place" so I did not think her choice to be odd. However, what I did not know -- because she did not tell me-- was that my friend's health was declining. To be honest, my empathic gifts warned me that my friend is not well but I shrugged that off as " borrowing trouble". I also sense that she wanted to tell me about her illness but for some reason felt the need to keep me in the dark regarding her health.

Mitch Albom was so blessed to have that tender time with his special teacher. Due to COVID and my friend's unwillingness to share her medical condition sooner, she and I have limited time. In the Godly Play curriculum that we use at my church , we tell the children " we have all the time we need."

But what if someone is terminal? Furthermore, what if they are terminal and its a Pandemic? The truth is: she and I do not have all the time we need. Her time is limited and we are still stuck in a pandemic-- granted with vaccinations it is safer to go out and visit other vaccinated people. But I also acknowledge that I'm frustrated with my friend for staying silent with me. She and I have shared so much of our lives--- both the joy-full and tear-full-- that she should have trusted me with this sacred knowledge. We would have had more time for phone dates and porch talks-- when her health was able to let her do these things.

We lost so much damn time.

So right now I am stuck processing all the emotions that are part of anticipatory grief--- while caring for a spouse who had been sick from anticancer treatments. { Thank God that is OVER as of today-- my heart is grateful. }I cared for Brian tenderly and I would have--- had I known--- at least granted my friend some social time. Now that Brian is on his way to a full recovery , I am stuck with all the emotional shit that comes with loving someone who is terminal all while continuing to monitor Brian's recovery.

I wish I could post a photo of my friend when she was healthy--- the beauty of her soul shone through her eyes and smile. Physically, she is not that same person and I am starting to notice some behavior changes in our brief text messages. After all-- we've been e-pals for over 20 years-- I know her writing style. I know that soul-- her essence--- will never change. But as her Light on Earth slowly changes, I see a change in her that is probably natural but so hard for me to see. I love her--- but I do not know how to best BE Christ's Hands & Feet for her.

Love requires sacrifice. Jesus showed us that on The Cross. As human as we are, He also understands sorrow. God understands--- since They chose to be a human and love like we do.

But I am a mere human with no superpowers to turn back time or to heal my friend.

I feel so many things, guilt, frustration, nostalgia---- that are probably part of this horrible anticipatory grief. This is an unmapped journey for me.

Amen.

Sarah Elizabeth McCarren

20 Sept 2021

 

Tolstoy on Grief

                                Mile High Swinging Bridge, Grandfather Mountain, NC  Photo by The Pensacola Hippie 

"Only people who are capable of loving strongly can also suffer great sorrow, but this same necessity of loving serves to counteract their grief and heals them."

— Leo Tolstoy

Today, along with other parishioners & our clergy, celebrated the life of a dear man from our community who died of cancer at the height of COVID last summer. While I will miss this man , I had the closure my soul needed to move on. I am sad for me, but now he is with his beloved and in the Presence of the Jesus he served so well in his long life.

I put that grief to rest. I give thanks for the short time I knew this wise, wonderful man whose big smile was matched only by his servant's heart.

George had a long, well lived, well-loved life. I'm grateful that we , as his Christian community could safely gather with his children and grandchildren and remember him at his best.

Rest well, brother. Thanks for being such a great witness.

However, my soul is still stuck in the horrible vortex that is anticipatory grief regarding my dear mentor { who, for privacy's sake, I shall not name in public} and friend. As the days get further away and I find more excuses to not make that second visit that my soul so desires by my head cannot comprehend.

Apparently, my sweet friend felt the need to hide from me how sick she has been... and for much longer than I'd originally thought. The person I've known and loved for so many years is slowly fading away. I so want to serve her during these tender times, but my head cannot comprehend why she felt the need to conceal her illness from me. I'm not angry--- just very confused. I know my task is to love my friend as she is now, but this is all new territory to me.

Anticipatory grief hits me like a brick wall, and on my way home from George's memorial , my grief over my friend hit me hard. This grief was compounded when I found out that our neighbors, who attended the church where my friend served as musician for over 30 years has been weak, sick and fragile for a long time. They said she was so fragile that right before COVID, she required assistance to get to the organ bench. The Pandemic ended my friend's church music career rather abruptly.

As someone with the strange, spiritual gift of empathy--- I KNEW something was drastically wrong with my friend. I'd e-mail her -- asking if she felt okay-- and she always says yes. Even daily , in my morning text I ask" Good morning ____ how are you today?" She always says " Fine. Thanks for asking.

I so much want to call " Bullshit" ! To which she would reply: " Watch that mouth, Sarah"

She and I will not get , as we say in Godly Play " all the time we need" COVID & her own stubborn will robbed us of a lot of time. But I want to make the best of the short time we have left, and I need to see her again. Perhaps the Holy Spirit will guide her into telling me why she kept her illness from me { and from a lot of people who love her} such a secret. I need that eyeball-to-eyeball face time-- even if she chooses not to talk at all. I need to find a way to safely hold her hands in mine when we pray together-- as her hands and arms have held me in some of my darkest moments in college.

I want to serve her in Christian friendship and love during these times, but I need some guidance with ministering to this version of my friend.

Most of the person I've known is already gone. Yet her essence is still hanging around in her tiny { she was always so petite} Earthly vessel. Her Light is slowly changing, and it hurts me to the core.

Tolstoy wrote : "Only people who are capable of loving strongly can also suffer great sorrow, but this same necessity of loving serves to counteract their grief and heals them."

I love strongly, so I mourn strongly. And for someone with my personality traits, long-term anticipatory grief is horrible.

I love my friend. I will always love her. It is this odd ' in between' that is hard for me to navigate.

Sometimes being a human really sucks!

Amen.

Sarah McCarren

18 September 2021

          
 

" Let it Go Let it Go"

 

                                                     Disney's " Elsa" giving the side eye. 

I am NOT a fan, for many reasons, of Disney. However, I do enjoy some of their music and am especially drawn to the female-empowerment theme of both _Frozen_ and _Frozen 2_ { My niece loves these characters, so I am glad to have a chance { excuse} to be a fan as well. 

  Here are some lyrics to the hit song-- sung by the fabulous Idina Menzel-- that speak to my soul right now. 

      "It's time to see

What I can do

To test the limits and break through

No right, no wrong, no rules for me

I'm free

Let it go

Let it go

I am one with the wind and sky

Let it go

Let it go

You'll never see me cry

Here I stand and here I'll stay

Let the storm rage on, oh!

My power flurries through the air into the ground

My soul is spiraling in frozen fractals all around

And one thought crystallises like an icy blast

I'm never going back

The past is in the past...." ~Elsa _Frozen_

This Pandemic, racial tension caused by violence from state-sanctioned officers, and the political turmoil both here and abroad have left me REALLY  questioning the types of people I have in my circle. Sadly, over the last 18 months { right after George Floyd was murdered} I tried to have a discussion online with several people I knew from my first attempt at college back in the late 1990's. due to the fact that they could not listen to my explaining White Privilege to them.  No, I have not and shall not cut these good but misguided people from my life, but I also will step back from interactions { either online or in-person} with them. 

  I've let a lot go--- but in the process of letting go-- I've stepped into the prophetic role that God, in Their wisdom, always wanted for me. It comes at a great cost, but as a Christian I know that being His followers isn't about cheap grace. 

  White guilt is a thing , and I surely still experience it from time to time. But I am reminded -- often by the Black activist leaders I know here in town-- that this is not my agenda. 

  Growing up in Central Appalachia, there were almost no People-of-Color. It took until I went back to college at The University Of West Florida  and was subjected to disdain for " White Girl" by Black coworkers and classmates. My parents raised my brother and me to not be racist, but what we did not understand as children is that we--by accident of having White skin-- experience life in these United States differently than our siblings-of-color. 

  My own journey to becoming antiracist has been both wonderful and scary . I live in a small city in the Deep South, where many White families still celebrate their Confederate heritage. I'm learning that being effectively antiracist means dropping that " safe nice White Woman" identity and invest some blood , sweat & tears into this work. 

  " No Justice. No Peace."  is a chant that is used during several marches and demonstrations that I've attended in Pensacola.  But I realize now that my words need to be backed by more action. And tis action needs to be led by our siblings-of-color--- this is THEIR reality and as White supporters it behooves us to follow their lead. 

  In other words, to shut our mouths and open ears and hearts. White guilt is a thing , and I surely still experience it from time to time. But I am reminded -- often by the Black activist leaders I know here in town-- that this is not my agenda. 

  With Love, Light And Liberation for all....

  ~Sarah McCarren

    Sept 14 2021

  

    

Thank, you +Jack Spong.

                     The late, great retired Episcopal bishop John Spong. Photo by Dick Snyder. 

 Yesterday I learned that John Shelby " Jack" Spong, retired bishop and author of many " controversial" books on faith, died. 

 I first " met + Spong during a 12 week class at my local Presbyterian church Living The Questions. He, among other contemporary progressive Christian writers, were part of a course aimed at getting we modern Christians to " think outside the box."

 Throughout the years I've read several of Spong's books, and when I do not agree with a lot of his theological concepts, I am emboldened to both claim my interfaith upbringing as valid and beautiful. I'd always felt that the Mother Creator God is much bigger than our small human intellect, and felt comfortable sitting with the parts of Spong's theology that surely does not 'gel' with mine. 

  As I've matured in my own faith I realized that yes--- the sacred stories in Scripture are alive and contain the basic elements of Jewish { OT} and Christian { OT and NT} faiths. But there are other ways to show love & devotion to Creator God-- some found in established religious traditions and some as simple as placing flowers & sea shells on one's home altar. 

  Let me make that clear: I am a Christian. I affirm bot the Nicene   and Apostle's Creeds as my Christian identity.  However, I've come to understand that my own devotional practice does-- and should-- make room for the more Nature-centered Celtic version of Christianity One look at my home altar and one would be surprised { or even scandalized} by the elements from Nature that I  place on my altar along with the crosses, prayer card , and rosary beads. 

  As an interfaith child, Nature-- not church-- is where I first encountered The Divine. To me, God does not stay in a Church -shaped box, God is everywhere and leaves evidence of Their Creativity everywhere. 

  While I look to Jesus--- God-with-Us-- as The Incarnate Word **** and**** the Teacher of Humans, I respect that my Jewish kin & Muslim neighbors do not see Him as I do. In the Gospels I see an instruction book on how to be a good human-- stories of how this one Person's life  and teachings change the world. Some people I know who claim to be agnostic at best  are some of the most faithful followers of Christ The Teacher { the title of a favorite icon of mine} than some Christians who sit in pews on Sundays. 

 I am blessed to be in a church community who are intentional in not only worshipping Jesus, but being mindful of  living a Gospel-centered life. We are imperfect people wo do our best to follow the teachings of our Savior and Brother, Jesus. 

  In my lifetime, I've known people who see Spong as a " heretic"  I see a man wo spent his life doing his best to live according to The Way Of Love. Spong also showed me how to peacefully come to the Table every Sunday with folks who probably think I am a heretic. There is room for everyone at Christ's table and in God's world. 

If you think I am a heretic, I love you anyway! 

Thank you, Bishop Spong.  

Pax Christos....

~Sarah McCarren

September 13 2021

Who is Jesus to YOU?

 Brian, myself, my brother, and his wife. Beech Mountain, NC. July 2021 Photo by one of my parents. 

  Today's Gospel from Mark has Jesus asking His disciples wo people say He is. Then he takes the question to another, much deeper level. He askes them Who do YOU say I am?

 Peter, of course, thinks he has the correct answer. " You are the Messiah", Peter replies. 

  But then Mark's telling of this story gets weird. Jesus tells His friends, the guys who have been following Him around for three years as he preached, taught and performed miracles that He { the Son Of Man} must suffer

   I'd imagine that this was not the answer that any of the disciples wanted to hear. The Messiah that they wanted and thought that they needed was one who would come in with brute force--- an entire military campaign behind him. But Jesus, in explaining His identity to them, essentially turns their notion of " Messiah" on its head. 

  And if this was not weird enough, Jesus then tells His friends, people He loves, that following Him as Messiah will cost them . He says " If any want to become My followers, let them deny themselves..."

  Fast forward to Year 2020-2021. Global pandemic, political unrest worldwide and basic human rights threatened. That is some tough stuff we deal with at present. 

  Wo is Jesus to ME? Of course, he is my Savior-- I promised to follow Him when I was baptized at the ripe old age of 20. In addition to Jesus being the Savior of the World, He is also my greatest teacher. Now don't get me wrong, I've known some great-- even excellent teachers from preschool through college. 

  One , a choir conductor under whos baton I sang  at The University Of West Florida-- wins the award for Sarah's Best Earthly Teacher.  Those of us who know here from UWF affectionately call her " Doc"

My major was not  Music, it was English with Communication Arts. I signed up for choir because I needed to fill that Fine Arts slot in my General Ed requirements. Not only was " Doc" the best conductor I've known, she taught me , by example, how to live like Jesus. 

With her guidance-- a relatively new Christian delved into the Gospels to learn more about what The  Savior of the World asks of His followers. She showed me, in word and deed , that being a Christ-follower is not easy-- and will mean that I would  let some unhealthy habits and attitudes go. Sometimes I did not want to heed her advice, but { usually} I trusted her enough to at least ponder her words. Se has reminded me many times of the past 22 years that following Christ is not for the weak of heart. 

  Yet having Jesus as my Savior and primary teacher continues to shape me into a happier, whole, healthy person. Especially during the Great Pandemic of 2020-21 I've  followed Christ 's instruction to give up much to keep others safe. Brian and I are both vaccinated, but we wear masks every time we are indoors in public. 

  Doc and I have known each other for over twenty years. We know a lot of each other's stories and she was the person I felt safe enough to turn to when I was assaulted at an off-campus party. I knew that Doc would not judge me for my lack of discretion when deciding to attend an off campus party with people whom I barely knew. 

  I owe Doc a HUGE " thank you" for setting me on a path to want to learn how to better be a disciple of Jesus. My identity as a follower of Christ has cost me a lot, but I've gained so much more by doing my best to read, study, mark and inwardly digest Holy Scriptures{ All of them.... even some Old Testament misogyny and the run-on sentences of the Pauline letters. }

  My identity is as a student of my Savior, Jesus. He is, and always will be, the Greatest Teacher. My favorite icon of Christ is entitled " Christ the Teacher" and when I look at the prayer card of this icon I feel His eyes smiling at me. 

Amen 

Sarah McCarren

12 Sept 2021

Be the #Prophet I'm Meant to Be

     After nearly two years apart, my Wednesday morning Bible Study group met IN PERSON. It was wonderful to see everyone's smiling eyes under masks and feel connected in a visceral way that Zoom and FB Live--- no matter how essential these tools are for some right now-- cannot imitate.  

   Unlike a Zoom session, I knew that not everyone was staring at me , and I wasn't staring at all of them. My sensory-integration wire-crossing issues in my brain { audio and visual--- Zoom is hard -- FB Live is more tolerable } were not triggered. I sat comfortably-- and spaced out--- in a big room around a table full of people I love. 

  After a stressful couple of weeks--- it was so good to crack open God's Word with my chosen family together in one space. 

  We are studying the Prophet Amos-- one whom I have not read since Year One of My Education For Ministry program. Today was just an introduction to Amos & to prophets in general 

 One definition of prophet really stood out for me. 

  According to my notes " prophet" can mean : " one who is called to speak forth...

  Ding Ding.

 A bell of recognition went off in my head. Four years ago, as my bishop prayed over me when I re-affirmed my Baptismal vows at St Christopher's he told me I am " a prophet" . 

  I remember my knees shaking as I walked back to my pew. Me: a prophet. What was my bishop expecting of me?  

  After all, at that time I was that " nice" White woman who never challenges the status quo and goes against her gut when she sees or hears injustices being done or bigoted  words uttered. I bask in my White , middle-class hetero-normative  privilege by staying silent when people I love utter bigoted words. 

  After George Floyd was murdered, I felt a sudden stirring in me to speak forth, to stop being that " nice" White woman

  400 years of " nice" people , people like me who would not harm anyone intentionally or use racist/ ablest/ hetero-normative language have been part of the problem. 

  White people--- including myself-- have to begin to do the tough work of un-learning some " truths" we were taught. We need to re-learn what really happened that started The United States as a place where White skin was valued over other people-of-color.  We have to begin the tough work at looking at the history of police violence against Black, Brown and LGBTQ people.  Watch the mini-series "Pride" on Netflix--- I learned { and unlearned} so much truth from stories of LGBTQ persons who lived through the 50's and 60's. 

  Read Bryan Stevenson's book _Just Mercy_ to see how the penal system, and capital punishment unfairly targets Black men in certain states. 

  Read, mark, watch, inwardly digest and then SPEAK OUT. 

  Will you join me? This is hard, good, necessary work that needs to be done before we see God's vision of  shalom. 

  With Love and Liberation,

   ~Sarah the Prophet 

I Did A Thing

 

                                       Old Facebook profile photo. Selfie by Yours Truly. 

I, a usually very timid { until one gets to know me--- then look out!!} , artsy, INFJ Type4 Wing 5 person who would rather work " behind the scenes". The 2016 election { and the mess that followed}  changed me. While I'm still the artsy, introverted weirdo that everyone knows, the mess of the past few years has really " forced my hand" so to speak.

  I cannot, and will not continue being that " nice White liberal from the Pittsburgh Area"  Being " nice" --- not disturbing the status quo of White America-- does NOTHING for Black, Brown or other oppressed groups. 

  Pastor Elle Dowd, in her book _ Baptized In Tear Gas_ talks about " niceness" and how White people have weaponized niceness to further agendas that keep oppressed persons { and I am including people with uteruses and LGBTQ+ persons} in place. 

  Pastor Elle writes in her book "  White people use niceness and civility dishonestly. We { all White people-- especially me} say we value niceness , but what we really value is being in control of what niceness looks like and when it is appropriate by our own standards. We { White people} are addicted to control, '  { Dowd page 44}  Of the protests in Ferguson  and St Louis, the author writes" White people in cars were so angry about blocked traffic that they tried to run over protesters."  { Dowd page 45} 

  I, the introverted, " nice" White woman, joined my local Democratic Women's Club. As much as I detest partisan politics, direct action-- done with people who share my values, is the only way to effect real change. 

As hard as it is for me to be a joiner of any social or community-betterment club-- what happened on the 6t of January really caused me to re-evaluate the legacy I want to leave for the generations coming up. Due to COVID and protecting my spouse-- who is undergoing cancer treatment-- I elected to support the Black Lives Matter efforts here in my City from home.. In order to keep Brian safe, I had to stay home and be an Internet Activist. I hated this, but I had a spouse to protect from germs and the Floyd murder happened before vaccines were made and tested. 

 However, this summer and autumn I am vaccinated, masked and ready to take to the streets to show people in charge that Pensacola is slowly changing. There are enough of us- that if we put our differences aside and work together-- one issue at a time, we can be that force for good and necessary trouble. 

This week I sent in my dues for the Escambia County chapter of the Florida Democratic Women's Club. My first meeting of my chapter { via Zoom--- yucko} is next week. In October, I plan to join my siblings in the MUCH more radical Workers' World Party  in a rally for reproductive rights. 

  I am the daughter of hippies--- and the song from Frozen 2 " Show Yourself" speaks to me--- finally stepping into my own power as the activist and change-maker I've meant to be. 

Some lyrics: 

"I've never felt so certain
All my life I've been torn
But I'm here for a reason
Could it be the reason I was born?
I have always been so different
Normal rules did not apply
Is this the day?
Are you the way
I finally find out why?....

I am found

Show yourself
Step into your power
Throw yourself
Into something new

You are the one you've been waiting for!

Hello, world! 

~Sarah Elizabeth McCarren

6 September 20201

The Note

                                                 Grief poem . Attributed on meme. 

Yesterday I sat down to write a personal note to my friend who is very ill. Due to COVID restrictions, in person visits are awkward and limiting  and she struggles with using the keyboard. As a matter of fact, a couple of days she asked me to not text quite so much. That hurt, but again this journey is not mine, it is hers. 

  Honestly, I do not know if I will ever see this dear woman again on this side of reality. But for my own spiritual & mental health, I needed to let her know how much she's impacted my life for the better. While the content of the note was about her, writing those words to her in purple  was cathartic for me. 

Anyway back to the card-writing. I'd found a lovely card at Walgreens' that was not a ' get well' card-- as I know the chance of my friend getting well is next to none. But the simple words & soft colors on the card conveyed much of what I needed her to know. 

  . Getting comfortable, I sat down with my purple gel pen and began to write to her-- specifics of how having her in my life-- first as an instructor and then as a mentor & friend. For over twenty years, I told her how much her love, support and { yes} correction when needed has shaped me into the mature Christian I am now.

I cried the whole damn time I was writing that note. I ugly cried, because knowing that someone I've admired and loved as a friend and mentor for two decades is suffering. I cried because her strong hands can no longer play the organ nor piano I cried at the compassion and listening-without-judging she offered me as I told her about on of the worst nights of my life at UWF.

 Thanks to COVID-- and her not telling me of her health issues until now, I've missed out on so much time wit this person.  My priest, and other wise people I know, advise me to let my sick friend lead me in how much she wants to engage. Her breathing troubles make it hard for her to talk, so if I do go see her in-person again I'll be comfortable with silence and me sharing stories of my life. 

 My hope and prayer is that my note will remind my friend of how much she and I shared over the past two decades. I understand ---as much as I wish she could fully be the person she was before her illness-- that is impossible. But she is, at her core, the beautiful soul I met so many years ago. 

  I hope we meet again tis side of Paradise, my dear friend. But if it is not God's will--- you know that I love you and you did change me for the better. There is still so much I want to share with you--- reminisce with you and show you. I took up painting during the Pandemic and would love the chance to paint St Cecilia for you. Maybe I'll paint Cecilia anyway-- in your honor. 

 God knows wo you are, and I know you don't want me to use your name, so I will not. 

 I love you. 

 Thank you. 

With love,

~Sarah

Pluses and Pitfalls of Having " A Big Heart'

                            Deer at Beech Mountain, NC  Photo by The Pensacola Hippie

My priest, who is one of the wisest people I know, once told me that my " big heart is both your greatest asset and biggest liability. 

 As usual, she is 100 percent correct. 

 These times are extra-challenging for we sensitive, intuitive, big-hearted folks. We are bot repelled by humanity & wish to save it from itself. We try to guess what people in need require and tend to feel sad when loving actions are re-buffed. 

  You do not watch the TV news and are very selective  of which online information sources you use. Sensitive, big-hearted people learn to walk that fine line  of being an informed citizen and overwhelm by the seemingly worse world. 

 Big hearted people need to compartmentalize. I'm pretty good at compartmentalizing the goings-on in the world and in other places nationally--- as there is not much I can do to help others who are not in my immediate vicinity, so I read, acknowledge, and place that trouble in the " God Box" 

  I cannot afford to carry around other people's " stuff", so I don't. 

  Being big-hearted can be a liability if I ' take on" all the sadness & pain of people I know.  One of the lessons I've learned recently is that I cannot anticipate what someone else needs, and since I cannot get inside their head--- have no real idea of how they are thinking and what emotions they experience. 

  Sometimes all we can do is love someone enough to lovingly, gently place them and their needs  in the God-Box. Some journeys with loved ones require that we walk in tandem, but not { physically or mentally} crossing into their space. This does not mean that I love this person or people less, it means that I cannot waste mental/spiritual energy on trying to interpret mixed signals during a pandemic. 

  Instead, I am finding more ways to use my " big heart" to better the world for people in my own state, county, city & community. I'm inspired by a couple I know wo attend my church to get involved in direct sociopolitical action via the local Women's Club of my political party. 

  Now I realize that, per Diocese policy, I'll need to keep my church  social justice work completely separate from any political activism, but I am ready for that challenge. By becoming more involved in the issues in my city, county and state, I can live but Christ's commandment to serve the needed, and honor all persons. I won't talk about this work at church or at church gatherings-- and I'm okay with this stipulation. Honestly, being a more active in my political party here is a wee bit daunting, as I am in the minority { albeit a slight minority in my city} 

  I can only do so much. Realizing whom and what I can and cannot fix helps me re-center my energy and use the ' big heart" in healthy, fruitful ways. 

With love and liberation for all ...

~Sarah McCarren

3 Sept 2021
 

For Good & For The Better

                   

                         Sunset on Beech Mountain ,  July 2021. Photo by The Pensacola Hippie

   2021 has , so far, been almost as strange as 2020. After a short reprieve, another huge surge of a variant of COVID has many of us vaccinated people masking an being very selective regarding with whom we see ' in person" . Many meetings have returned to ZOOM & the Florida Virtual School here was overflowing with new applicants thanks to our Governor's insistence on not forcing masking in public schools. 

  Years 2020 and 2021 are also years that I've said a " see you on the other side" to several people I know and love.  Thankfully, no one in my immediate circle has been killed by COVID-- but like all Americans-- people I love have gotten sick with the virus. 

  Right now I am dealing with a lot of anticipatory grief -- a woman whom I've known and loved as a mentor & friend since my college days at The University Of West Florida is very ill.  After church a couple of weeks ago, I visited her { and brought her " Communion-to-Go" as she's been worshipping online & therefore has not been able to receive the Holy Sacrament. Our visit was short-- I'd brought her some flowers and a care package of little things that hopefully would make her smile. Our visit was life & love affirming, but so strange in many ways. For instance, I kept my face mask on during our time together--- knowing that she { although  vaccinated} is vulnerable due to her lungs being weak. I feel fairly confident that I am not carrying COVID-- but even a slight airborne infection could be deadly to my friend. 

 My friend could not see my big smile under the protective face accessory, but I could see hers. This person has a big smile that can still light up a room-- and in that smile I saw my friend's soul shining though her weakened body. This woman, in spite of her physical limitations, still is the same beautiful soul that has been my friend & mentor for over twenty years. 

   I sat in the chair next to hers during our visit { I did not of the talking, as her voice is weak} As much as I wanted to hold her hands and pray with her-- I refrained from doing so in the name of keeping er safe.  The same applied to a farewell hug-- it did not happen. 

  Interestingly enough, I could not bring myself to say " goodbye" Not knowing if and when I'll see her again, I did not want to make such a seemingly permanent proclamation-- not saying the word was as much for my sake as it was for hers. Instead , I told her that I love her & that I'll be in touch. 

  We've been texting daily since that visit-- usually I'll send her a good morning text with a photo attached of some pretty flowers, my dog or betta fish, or something else I know she'd enjoy. If she is too tired to text, she lets me know. I reply that I'll text her again the next day. I know these brief interactions make her happy & let her know that I am keeping her in my heart. 

 This is some of the most loving, most challenging ministry I've done. I keep reminding myself that  -- her soul and mind are still intact, but her body is failing. She tires easily, so I do not visit each week & when I do, I keep it brief. If she is not in a place to talk, I will sit silently. Perhaps I'll bring some disposable gloves when I visit, so at least we can safely touch each other's hands. 

  My friend has been there for me { and I for her} over some pretty rough stuff over the past two decades.  Yet I would never change anything-- my life is so rich in part because I let this person into my world. Stephen Schwartz, in _Wicked The Musical_ has a song that speaks to my heart about how I feel about this friend. Here are some of the lyrics: 

"I've heard it said
That people come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we must learn
And we are led
To those who help us most to grow
If we let them
And we help them in return
Well, I don't know if I believe that's true
But I know I'm who I am today
Because I knew you...
Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you
I have been changed for good
(Elphaba)
It well may be
That we will never meet again
In this lifetime
So let me say before we part
So much of me
Is made of what I learned from you
You'll be with me
Like a handprint on my heart
And now whatever way our stories end
I know you have re-written mine
By being my friend.."     { Stephen Schwartz, Wicked The Musical }

It is, however, the last part  that rings true for me & brings tears of sadness & joy every time: 

"Who can say if I've been
Changed for the better?
I do believe I have been
Changed for the better

(Glinda):
And because I knew you...

(Elphaba):
Because I knew you...

(Both):
Because I knew you...
I have been changed for good"   { Stephen Schwartz Wicked The Musical }

Thank you. You know who you are. I still have so much I want to say to you but know this: You have changed me ' for good"

 With Love Light and Liberation....

Sarah McCarren

1 September 2021