AdventWord #Covanent

                                   Our Wedding Photo. I was so young-looking then By Ann W. 

Today's word is " Covenant."

According to the dictionary, the definition is " an agreement" or " to agree by lease, deed or other contract. 

Brian and I made a covenant with each other eight years ago. 

Marriage is wonderful, if it is with the right partner. 

Marriage is also work. It is not the perpetual state of bliss that Hallmark Christmas movies want people to believe. 

It is a binding contract with another person, the state, and {for people of faith} Creator God.  

In eight years, Brian and I have been thru several surgeries, a cancer diagnosis, deaths of close family members, and a move.

Creator God sent Godself , Jesus, as a reminder that God is, has been, and always will be here. 

This evening, we will remember that covenant as we celebrate God-as-human being born. 

Merry Christmas , everyone. 

Sarahbeth McCarren 

Christmas Eve/ Advent 4. 

" Merry Merry" versus " December Blues "

                                          Chapel set up for " Longest Night" service at church 

I love Advent. 

 I also love The Feast of The Nativity-- bot the evening liturgy on December 24 and the entirely different but equally wonderful Christmas Day liturgy on December 25. 

But I am NOT a fan of December. As the days get darker, and my Seasonal Affective depression gets worse, I struggle to find purpose and hope in a culture that gets entirely too over-commercialized at this time of year. 

In spite of the genuine joy found for most people, there is no doubt that these dark days, when the sun slowly stays away longer until December 21, bring some read sadness to many people. 

But there is hope in the darkness of December.  During the darkest week of the year in the Northern Hemisphere, a Child was born Who would change human history forever. He was born -- not to wealthy parents, but to a poor carpenter's wife. 

This Child would grow up to show humanity a new way, a Way of Love. 

It is okay if we are not always-- or really never-- into the tinsel trimmings of this month. As Followers of Christ, we find real joy in living into His Nativity-- and remembering what a Gift it is to call Him, Brother, Teacher and Savior. 

Merry Christmas, Friends. 

Sarahbeth McCarren 

Advent , 2023

The Gift of Music Lessons

                                            Photo of me at the gorgeous piano at my Atlanta family's home over Thanksgiving.  Photo by Barbara , aka Mom. 

Wednesday, November 29 marks the one-year anniversary of my piano study journey. 

I know folks are probably sick of me flooding social media with music-related content-- but hey-- I look at everyone's kids & grandkids every damn day. 

I get it . Progeny are blessings. 

But for those of us who find ourselves at midlife with no progeny {be this by choice or circumstance}, we often need to carve different paths for the second half of life.  Before anyone skewers me online for being " anti-parent" and " hateful"{yeah, this actually happened to me} I know how important parenthood is-- and I respect the good parents I know. 

But parenthood and grandparenthood are not in my path. At midlife, I've been given a wonderful chance to learn music-- piano music in particular.  I've always wanted to learn piano-- so realizing a lifelong dream at middle-age is an incredible blessing. 

I am not the easiest piano student. I'm neurodivergent, and part of my " crossed wiring" has me struggle with the right & left sides of my brain communicating effectively. Additionally, my eyes have trouble tracing-- which is why I could never play softball or tennis and am not-- as much as I tried-- a good basketball player. 

First of all, I'd like to thank Brian, my spouse. Without him, nothing I do would be possible, including music lessons. For nearly every Wednesday, Brian sits patiently while I am in my half-hour lesson, staring at the beautiful guitars, working crossword puzzles, or chatting with the staff. He's proud of me-- and I am grateful for his support. In addition to transporting me to my lessons, he puts up with my daily practicing-- and even says he enjoys listening to me. Often, I'll play the same phrase over and over, trying to perfect the notes and/or rhythm and timing. 

My teacher makes this possible too. While I am sure there are many wonderful piano teachers in the Pensacola area, having someone who understands the neurodivergent brain and can adjust the teaching methods to accommodate my needs is such a gift. 

Music education is so important. In this crazy, divided world, there are few things left that unite us as people. Music unites us-- and makes us human. From a spiritual perspective art-- any art-- allows us to co-create with our Creator. 

It is never too late to fulfil a childhood dream. And, since I've no obligations to children or grandchildren, I can more fully focus on music. I'm grateful that I can always find time to practice daily.  Brian and I designed a room that is mine. I call it the Music Room {Hats off to my late friend Lynne " Doc" Lauderdale -- she loved her own Music Room. }

Music gives me more self-confidence. There is a lot of satisfaction in learning something that teachers to me was " impossible" due to clumsy hands and short attention span. Interestingly, music study has improved my attention span. It has also improved my problem-solving abilities.  Sight reading songs before lessons can help with basic problem-solving skills. 

Music study has also brought more wonderful people into my life. Musicians love talking shop with other musicians, and I've gotten so much encouragement from other musicians I know. 

Making music is life-changing for me. 

With a song in my heart...

Sarahbeth McCarren 
 

A Complicated Stance

                                          Well, I'd never thought I'd make a public statement on the Israel/ Palestine conflict before... but here we are. 

M name is Sarahbeth. I stand with Israel. 

Normally I'd never make such a clear statement on such a controversial subject{I gave up politics on social media years ago and my life as been much better since then} 

However, as a Christian--- and a Christian with Ashkenazi Jewish DNA, I must stand with Israel. 

To me, this conflict is not about politics. I'm putting aside my understanding of Israel's complicated, controversial history in favor of standing up for what is morally right. 

As An American of Ashkenazi descent-- I understand all too well what state-sanctioned murder can look like. 

Murdering innocents of a people who you neither like nor trust is never okay. 

My forbearers were refugees from a cruel minority party that rose to power by murdering innocents. 

I support Israel because the horrors of the Holocaust are real-- in spite of what some deniers might insist. 

Israle hasn't always been right in every conflict-- especially in recent years. 

As an American, I am aware of this fact. 

As a person of faith, supporting Israel in this war is essential. 

State-sanctioned terrorism is never okay, and Hamas are terrorists. 

Let me also say that I've also never been a Zionist. I respect people I know, and love who think that Israel is blameless, but that is not what I see. 

My support of Israel is coming from a place of faith and a humanitarian concern rather than " playing politics" with Americans who see things differently. 

For we Christians, we are preparing to remember the birth of a baby.. a baby born to Jewish parents in a territory that was occupied by the Roman Empire. 

It is for that Baby's sake-- and for the sake of so many families torn apart by the actions of an evil group-- that I support Israel. 

Peace, friends...

Sarahbeth McCarren 

21 Nov 2023

Heavy Burdens.. and a safe space

 

                                           Brian and I walked the labyrinth on our church's campus thus afternoon.  Photo by Me . 

Happy Holidays, y'all. 

 Saying " Happy Holidays IS NOT a battle in the imagined " war on Christmas", it is merely acknowledging that many Americans celebrate a myriad of special days during these last two months of the Gregorian calendar year. 

But I digress {again} 

The holiday season, one that is rooted in joy and thanksgiving, is hard for many people. 

It is extremely difficult for many of us to live up to the Norman Rockwellish  portrayal of this time of year that Madison Avenue and Hallmark's Christmas Movie marathon tries to sell us. 

Scrolling through my Facebook feed, I see countless ads for " Black Friday " deals. Coming from retailing families on both sides of my lineage, there is NOTHING " fun about the Friday after our National Day of Thanksgiving. 

Furthermore, there is that White-washed, inaccurate, racist and harmful narrative about the " Pilgrims" landing here in search of religious freedom.  I've had to totally reframe T-Day from a national celebration to a personal one: the entire month of November is a month where I celebrate the bounty that The Divine has given to me in the waning year. 

All this to days that I struggle with Seasons al Depression during what marketers tell us is The Most Wonderful Time of the Year. 

Today I was really struggling with the seasonal depression, so Brian and I drove to our church and walked our beautiful outdoor labyrinth, which is set as the centerpiece of our Meditation Garden. 

This special, sacred PUBLIC place is the result of A LOT of dreamers ... and even more doers in my congregation.  While this place sits on the property of a Christian church, it is a place for all people to come, sit under the shady or carefully walk the beautiful labyrinth. This space was paid for and is maintained by generous volunteers in my congregation. 

Am I proud of this space? Yes!  

More importantly, I, like many others, need this space this season. While security measures leave many houses of worship locked, or at least monitored by security cameras, this outdoor meditation space is open twenty-four hours seven days per week. The two metal arbors welcome all who seek-- whatever they seek. It is here where people can commune with Nature. 

Plants, trees, and the Earth herself welcome world-weary humans and invite us to lay down our burdens and be reminded that we are enough.  

Before Brian and I walked the labyrinth, I picked up a heavy white stone and put it in the back pocket of my blue jeans. When I arrived at the center of the labyrinth, I placed the heavy white stone in the center of the labyrinth. As I made this simple gesture, I felt my burdens, at least the burdens that I carried today, lift. Turning around, I walked from the center towards the beginning of the labyrinth. 

In case any of my readers are clueless, as to what I am discussing, here is the dictionary definition of  labyrinth . 

I am grateful that this space exists in Pensacola, and I am even more grateful that it exists on the property of  St Christopher's Episcopal Church, Pensacola   

Namaste...

Sarahbeth McCarren 

Nov 17  2023 

Being fully seen{ and NOT judged} as Neurodivergent.

                                          My piano, with the VERY HELPFUL note stickers on the keys. My teacher gave these to me when she realized that I am struggling with eye" tracking" when I change hand positions. 

My name is Sarahbeth. My pronouns are she/her/hers. I was born in 197- {I'm not telling, suffice it to say I am a proud Generation X member} 

I am neurodivergent. Thanks, to my mom's doctor's choice to pull me into the world with forceps, my brain works differently than typical brains. 

As a person who is neurodivergent, but due to the time when I grew up, I had to endure education in a subpar public school. Since my brain is not that of someone with classical autism, nor am I male, my differences were never addressed in school. It is true that a few of my symptoms are that which fall on the " autism spectrum", but many of the neurodivergent traits I have are not in that classification. Plus{and I know some Autism Parents will jump on me for this .. but I know no other descriptive term} I am very " high functioning".  My communication skills were and are not stymied by my neurodivergence at all. 

Do I possess an " autistic" trait or two? Yes. 

Am I " autistic?" No. 

I do not even fit the criteria for Aspergers' Syndrome-- although again, some of the traits do overlap. Anyone who knows me well is aware of my tendency to be a Smarty Pants. 

" Book-learning" except for math, came pretty easy for me. I love to read, and I retain what I read with scary accuracy. 

However, my fine motor skills leave much to be desired, and learning simple skills like typing was difficult {I finally developed my own system of typing accurately, and I am sure my high school typing teacher would shake her head in dismay.} 

P.E. class was disastrous, as I am clumsy, and my eyes do not " track " well. My balance and coordination are not good, so typical " girly" activities like cheerleading and ballet were not possible for me. 

In my adult life, very few people-- even medical professionals, have bothered to ask me about my neurodivergence-- how {we think} it happened and how I am affected daily. 

I don't drive because I cannot drive. I certified occupational therapist evaluated me and attempted to teach me to drive & affirmed that I am not safe on the road. Not too long ago, a woman I knew said to my face:

" It must be nice to have your own chauffeur. " 

No, it is NOT " nice" to not be able to do something that most Americans over the age of sixteen take for granted.  As a matter of fact, it sucks. But I cannot grouse about what I physically cannot do-- grousing never changed a damn thing. 

Bottom line is: My brain works a wee bit differently than most typical people's brains. I've accepted that I am neurodivergent and am learning to celebrate that unique perspective that being Different but Not Less Than { Dr Temple Grandin} gives me. 

In spite of the birth trauma, I am not, and never was, " broken". 

I am a whole, holy child of my Creator. 

I am, just like every other human, am " fearfully & wonderfully made..." 

                                                                - from Psalm 139:14

~~Sarahbeth McCarren

Life With Chronic Pain : Getting it " Fixed"

                                           Me hiking in NC. I was healthier here. Healthier, but still in pain. 

My name is Sarabeth and I suffer from chronic nerve pain. 

At the age of twelve, I needed TWO major surgeries to correct severe scoliosis. 

A titanium device called a Harrington Rod was inserted into my spine in order to correct a seventy-five-degree curvature. 

I was twelve. I'm forty-seven now. 

The surgery to correct the curvature of my spine was necessary. Yet now it is a main reason why I suffer from chronic nerve pain. 

My official diagnosis is " Failed Back Surgery Syndrome" While my scoliosis surgeries did not fail in the technical sense {My back is somewhat straight now}, the problems I deal with now are caused by the implants in my spine. 

For close to four years now, I've been battling the health care system to get a pain-and drug-free solution to my problem. The pandemic, and a need to change pain clinics {that mess is another story for another day} 

Let me say one thing: I DO NOT LIKE DRUGS. As part of the hunt for a solution, I've tried physical therapy, yoga, CBD rubs {which actually does help temporarily} and a TENS unit. 

None of this works for nerve pain. Imaging of my lower back shows that the nerve roots of my lumbar spine look like frayed rope. 

Ouch. 

Currently I am taking two very different medications to control the pain. 

One is Gabapentin, a medicine that works on the central nervous system via the chemical receptors to the brain. It is not a controlled substance. 

On really bad days I take Tramadol, which IS a controlled substance. Due to its potential for abuse, and a family history of alcoholism, I only use this medicine when NEEDED.  

I am waiting for a procedure that will {HOPEFULLY} erase the need for me to take copious amounts of drugs. It is called Radiofrequency Ablation. Here is a good article about the procedure. 

https://www.mayoclinichealthsystem.org/hometown-health/speaking-of-health/radiofrequency-ablation-pain-relief 

In order for my insurance to qualify me for this procedure, I had to undergo TWO injections of a nerve-blocking medication into my lower back. Yuck. 

Thankfully, my messed-up back passed this " test", and I am scheduled for the nerve ablation on October 24. Per insurance, I can only get one side ablated at a time. 

Damn. 

Thanks, Humana.  

I also suffer from a condition called Vasovagal Syncope, which is a fancy word for fainting at triggers. I discovered that was a problem when I went in for a steroid injection at my previous pain clinic and nearly went into cardiac arrest when the nurse stuck an IV in my arm. So, I am not thrilled about TWO IV insertions, but at least I know to tell the nurse to have plenty of IV fluids immediately available. 

A tired, hungry , scared and dehydrated Sarahbeth is a recipe for another near-death experience. 

Y'all I , am tired of being in pain. 

I'm in my late 40s-- with hopefully a long second half of life ahead of me. 

If you pray, please pray that this procedure works. 

All I want is to feel " whole" again. 

Sarahbeth McCarren 

Oct 8 2023