My name is Sarabeth and I suffer from chronic nerve pain.
At the age of twelve, I needed TWO major surgeries to correct severe scoliosis.
A titanium device called a Harrington Rod was inserted into my spine in order to correct a seventy-five-degree curvature.
I was twelve. I'm forty-seven now.
The surgery to correct the curvature of my spine was necessary. Yet now it is a main reason why I suffer from chronic nerve pain.
My official diagnosis is " Failed Back Surgery Syndrome" While my scoliosis surgeries did not fail in the technical sense {My back is somewhat straight now}, the problems I deal with now are caused by the implants in my spine.
For close to four years now, I've been battling the health care system to get a pain-and drug-free solution to my problem. The pandemic, and a need to change pain clinics {that mess is another story for another day}
Let me say one thing: I DO NOT LIKE DRUGS. As part of the hunt for a solution, I've tried physical therapy, yoga, CBD rubs {which actually does help temporarily} and a TENS unit.
None of this works for nerve pain. Imaging of my lower back shows that the nerve roots of my lumbar spine look like frayed rope.
Ouch.
Currently I am taking two very different medications to control the pain.
One is Gabapentin, a medicine that works on the central nervous system via the chemical receptors to the brain. It is not a controlled substance.
On really bad days I take Tramadol, which IS a controlled substance. Due to its potential for abuse, and a family history of alcoholism, I only use this medicine when NEEDED.
I am waiting for a procedure that will {HOPEFULLY} erase the need for me to take copious amounts of drugs. It is called Radiofrequency Ablation. Here is a good article about the procedure.
In order for my insurance to qualify me for this procedure, I had to undergo TWO injections of a nerve-blocking medication into my lower back. Yuck.
Thankfully, my messed-up back passed this " test", and I am scheduled for the nerve ablation on October 24. Per insurance, I can only get one side ablated at a time.
Damn.
Thanks, Humana.
I also suffer from a condition called Vasovagal Syncope, which is a fancy word for fainting at triggers. I discovered that was a problem when I went in for a steroid injection at my previous pain clinic and nearly went into cardiac arrest when the nurse stuck an IV in my arm. So, I am not thrilled about TWO IV insertions, but at least I know to tell the nurse to have plenty of IV fluids immediately available.
A tired, hungry , scared and dehydrated Sarahbeth is a recipe for another near-death experience.
Y'all I , am tired of being in pain.
I'm in my late 40s-- with hopefully a long second half of life ahead of me.
If you pray, please pray that this procedure works.
All I want is to feel " whole" again.
Sarahbeth McCarren
Oct 8 2023
Dearest Sarahbeth, Sweet Sister in Pain~ I am so sorry for this history of your suffering, so hoping and praying that it can soon end with the correct treatment. Nerve pain is what I live with also. A 40 year long chronic migraine that felt like there were 16 hot skewers in my neck, upper back and head, with a few days off here and there. Practicing diligent avoidance of the many triggers finally was sufficient to end them, after first identifying the triggers. So many triggers! So now with severe but acute (temporary) sciatica, it's the feeling of hatchets in my back and left leg, or my whole body being a toothache. Walking is agony. But I lean on my cane, on furniture, on the walls, on any person who might be around, and hobble when it's necessary. That, too, is starting to get better. It generally takes six weeks for inflammation-caused acute nerve pain. In my case, there was no drug or therapy that helped. I became my own Medicine Woman and over time and through ongoing experimentation ("I've tried everything!") I learned what helped and what did not help. This is the process that you have been in for some time. One of the primary helpers is the hardest~ patience. Here, relaxation and positive and meaningful distraction are key. Sleep is critical, and again, one of the hardest. Prayer, yes, even if the word Help! is all you can manage, and even that requires energy which we may not have to say out loud. Of course we are fed up with it. Sick and tired of being sick and tired. One thing that helps me is to offer the overflow of intense and/or chronic pain to the Holy One, asking that it be reduced to raw energy and transformed into positive energy for God to use to help another suffering being (not necessarily human), and thereby giving away as much of my pain as possible for the Divine Mother to use to help another (or several other) beings. In that way I have felt a reduction in my own pain, and at the same time placed myself firmly in the Creature Community as still having something to contribute instead of feeling reduced to worthlessness and uselessness. By virtue of my existence, I am still worthy of both giving and receiving compassion and assistance, and there is no shame in needing it, because all creatures suffer. I am still useful for being able to consecrate and transform everything too difficult to bear by giving it to God to do just that, and then to use the changed negative energy into positive energy. All of this while focusing on breathing: count to four in, count to four to hold, count to four to release. "Help" and "Take this" are perfectly reasonable prayers. My love and compassion are with you, Sarahbeth! Alla ~ See poem in next comment box.
ReplyDeleteCan Suffering Hurt the Soul?
ReplyDeleteI wrote this for a friend whose world had blown up . . . again. She asked me one day if physical and emotional suffering could hurt the soul. Thinking of the Eternal Soul, the Godseed that holds steady like the kernel in the deepest core that keeps its light whole no matter the turmoil and anguish around it, my first response was No. The Soul of souls is safe in unbroken union with God. While the Divine Compassion registers all suffering in creation and quivers with it, It remains Whole in the great God Heart where all is well at last, and the part of us that is There remains safe, no matter what. Meanwhile, however, the layers of experience around that often inaccessible core soul as we perceive our own lives and selves to exist from day to day do suffer, are vulnerable, may feel shredded and worse than shredded from time to time. The outer human layers of soul we sometimes call Psyche do indeed suffer horrifically, as the body which we might consider the outermost layer of our beings suffers. The Godseed soul quivers with the Divine Compassion that gave birth to it. Everything around it may fall apart, even irreparably in temporal terms, but deep, deep inside we are in God, forever safe, forever our true and luminous selves, eternally whole.
Poem "Suffering" is in the next comment box.
Suffering
ReplyDeleteThere is no virtue in suffering.
This is no meaning or wisdom in suffering.
Suffering is hateful. Love of suffering is insane.
If meaning comes, or if virtue or wisdom comes,
it is because the one who suffers makes it
through increased compassion for the suffering self
and all others who suffer, which is everyone that lives,
including the weeds and the stars.
To love those who suffer is what we all do,
for all the living do suffer, and even the light
breaks to make color.
To bear witness to the suffering
of someone we love can be harder
than suffering ourselves.
We hate it that loved ones or strangers suffer.
We hate it that we suffer.
We love those we love, and every hour we’re alive
we still have time to love ourselves.
Our own suffering (and the suffering of bearing witness)
can be so relentless that we become intolerant of all suffering.
We want to overcome it, like an allergy one develops
from overexposure to something. But we may not be able to.
We may be stuck with intolerance of it as we are stuck with the suffering.
Then the only thing to do is sing
whenever we come up for air.
Or dance even when we can’t walk,
with our hands in the air, fingers
doing the cha cha or waltz with each other.
This is prayer.
Even in unconsciousness,
we can dream of a universe where
there is no suffering
and evil is outlawed
in the sense that it is outside
the laws of nature and has never
existed. Right now while we’re here,
we don’t care if it’s a little boring there.
Boring might be restful for a few minutes~
and then we’ll wake up anyway.
It can be enough. All there is
can be enough for one more day
of sunrise and a rainbow.
We’ll know when the day comes that
we’ve had enough, and enough of suffering
is always too much.
Suffering can hurt the soul,
at least its outer layers.
They can bleed clear through.
Things are stolen from the soul
by too much suffering.
Things missing remain missing.
What we needed there is gone,
and we need to put on emotional prostheses
to do what we need to do, to think and feel our way through.
We need poetry, music and art, we need nature
and friends and meaningful work and to serve others.
We need to study, learn and discover, and so move beyond
ourselves and the suffering, for pain has no meaning,
but what we make of it means everything.
We need to focus on something that takes us
outside of ourselves and the pain,
that absorbs our spirits and minds
and whatever our bodies can bring.
But there may be bad days, days so consuming
they swallow us whole, and, whelmed over, we can’t
get a hold of ourselves or hold ourselves in.
We wail. We rant. We weep. We scream.
Others try to calm us. They can’t. It passes.
Another day will be different. Another time will be better.
We may look another suffering person in the eyes again,
for a second, and not go to pieces or turn away. We may not.
There are simply times when the soul is too sore
to put on its prostheses. Those days, let angels
who still have mercy to give visit us,
and give us everything they have.
Alla Renée Bozarth ~
Learning to Dance in Limbo and Purgatory Papers
Copyright 2008.
Thank you, Alla+ Bear.
ReplyDelete