For ALL Of Us; Love your Neighbor, COVER YOUR FACE

                          Brian and me, Vaccinated AND Masked. #LOVEYOURNEIGHBOR

Among another sad story that is not mine to share, COVID hit close to home this week. While that story is not mine to tell, I CAN  tell you how this superspreading has affected me-- without making neither Brian nor me sick. 

 I'm angry. No-- I am PISSED OFF. 

We had to return to mask-wearing -- NOT because " the government told us to do it-- but because we love & care for the children and vulnerable , vaccinated adults in our lives. We don't mask because we think vaccines are ineffective. As a matter of fact, we know vaccinated people-- several-- who came down with ' breakthrough" cases of COVID that were much milder. I mask up when I go visit a sick loved one because I know that any germ--- not just COVID-- that would merely annoy me could  end her life.  

" The Government" did not force us to return to masking and physical distancing. No-- it is all the " patriots" { sic} who refuse the free- painless safe series of shots wo are holding our country in a deadly, depressing holding pattern. 

  We vaccinated folks cannot safely go to the emergency room, since hospitals are literally overrun with sick COVID patients who refused to take the vaccine. 

  Recently I finished reading Vice-President Kamala Harris' book, One of the quotes from her book _The Truths We Hold_ came at the end of her story. 

  "For all our differences, for all our battles, for all our fights we are all one American family, and we should act like it." ~Madame Vice President Kamala D. Harris

  I know many people who do not like Madame Vice President-- and that IS your choice. However, it is NOT your " choice" to put your political views ahead of public safety for all--- especially since getting the vaccines and wearing masks when asked to is so damn easy. 

 " Masks are uncomfortable" Trust me, I need eyeglasses to see{ contact lenses are not an option} and every time I walk out into the Florida humidity and put on a cloth mask, the glasses fog. But I wait until I am safely inside and then de-fog the glasses. Brian and I find comfortable masks that fit not-too-snugly around our noses and mouth and that have nose clips that keep the mask in place. 

  Even vaccinated people run a chance of either catching or carrying COVID-- and its our PATRIOTIC DUTY to keep ourselves and our human siblings safe. COVID is real. Masks and vaccines are not yet perfect-- but science evolves. I agree that the government should not need to make laws to keep us safe from each other putting their " rights" above saving lives of innocent people-- including CHILDREN. We don't live in the Utopia that God wants for us, where we look at every person we see as a sibling-- another of God's Beloveds. 

 I am weary and angry about continuing to need to protect people from COVID. But I willingly do it. I try to make the best of a lousy necessity of masking by carrying around a collection of cute, comfortable " facial accessories" but I so want to see smiles of people I love again. But what I want right now is not important. 

  Again "...we are all one American family, and we should act like it." ~Madame Vice President Kamala D. Harris.

Mask Up. Get the shots. Care about others. 

~Sarah McCarren

24 August 2021

Affirming and Supporting Neuro-Diverse People, of Which I am One

                                         Hand-beaded bracelet I bought today . Artist is a person who is a client of #PyramidIncorporated, who work with special needs adults in creative endeavors. Photo by The Pensacola Hippie 

I love colors---- clothing, furniture, betta fish plants, shoes, ect. So today Brian and I were browsing the local downtown market when a pretty purple, pink & blue beaded bracelet caught my eye. I went over to examine the piece closely & chatted with the booth-keepers. It turns out that the wall art * beadwork they had for sale is made by clients of Pyramid, Incorporated. 

Here is the Web site for a better explanation than I can give:

Pyramid Pensacola

I first got acquainted with the good work { and promotion of arts! } when I attended a Christmas  concert by their singing group " The Pyramid Singers few years back. I was impressed wit the level of professionalism, and joy that these singers;; all of whom are  ' differently-abled". 

When I saw te Pyramid logo on the booth, I chatted with the people staffing the booth I told them, that as a visual artist myself & former choral singer { I miss that-- but God calls me to other work right now} I appreciate the beauty of each piece on display. The person wo teaches visual arts for Pyramid told me that all they do is show the clients the technique, the choice of colors, sizes, and patters are at the discretion of the artist. 

I am impressed. 

On a more personal note: I know all too well to be judged { by teachers, principals and even some relatives}for having a brain that is anything but neurotypical.  Most people can handle a lot of sensory input, but the way my newborn brain was damaged at birth by a traumatic delivery. All of the lobes of the brain that control sensory input are affected , and in my case I do not process auditory stimuli well. It appears to neurotypical people that I ' have "sensitive ears", but that is not accurate. I CANNOT process certain sounds well. Acoustics of certain places { including places of worship} are hard for me to tolerate. Also, if the TV is on when I am trying to work { write or do art} I cannot get my brain to shut out the TV sounds. Commercials, which are louder than any featured program, also are not well-tolerated by me. 

Auditory processing, which is controlled by the temporal lobe, is my biggest sensory-processing issue -- and the deficit tat makes life hardest for me.  I also have some issues with touch and smell, which are controlled by the same lobe. For instance HATE shoes and socks. One of the blessings for me as a Florida is that sandals { open toes} are acceptable footwear all year long. Any type of medical exam that requires putting pressure on me is torture. I've not yet been able to complete a glaucoma test , the pressure of that puff of air--- a minor annoyance to most people-- actually HURTS me. 

Another area where I have some neurological challenges is with numbers. This was a fairly ovious difference early on in school, as I struggled with learning my multiplication--- not to mention the hell that was high school algebra. I did not know until well into adulthood that others struggle with the same difficulties with math-- an that the clinical term for this learning difference is dyscalculia.  I still ' hate math' but now I know why math is so hard for me. 

  I say all this to remind people that all humans are made in God's Image. Some of us have differences that are harder to detect { and therefore much harder to understand} while others' neurological differences are more seen by untrained eyes. I am blessed to be a part of a family, activism circle, and church community who all recognize my talents and are grace-full with my limitations. 

 I am proud to live in a community group where people of different needs can shine in the arts. Humans, at least in my experience, are designed to create-- and we all should have chances to hone that inner artist. Sing, dance, act, make jewelry, pain, sculpt, write. To create is to be in partnership with our Creator. 

I'm grateful for groups such as Pyramid Incorporated that brings out the creative talents of people who might otherwise be overlooked. 

Thank God for art and artists. And by that I mean art made by all artists. 

Amen. 

~Sarah McCarren

21-August-2021

~Sarah
 

A Open, Personal Letter to " Grief"

                                            "Grief was that relative I heard stories about. I knew her in the way I knew Uncle Gerald, someone I never met but learned so much about. Then my husband died, and there Grief was, shaking my hand. I offered her the guest bedroom, scrambling to make it comfortable, but not too comfortable because I didn’t want her to stay long. Instead of the guest bedroom, she marched right into my bedroom and dropped her heavy bags. Years later, she’s still with me, now an old friend, someone to sip martinis with and remember." — Barbara Phillips (originally published in Modern Love on March 30, 2021)

Dear Grief....

I'm expecting you to visit me. I know not when you will arrive, but I am doing my best to daily prepare space in my house for you. Right now, I must guard my house, and not allow your anticipated arrival to prevent me from tending to the life I have now.

I am blessed, as I have a support system here that will help me reluctantly welcome you into the house. My spouse has met you before, but in a different situation . You have also made yourself quite comfortable in the homes of my parents and Dad's siblings after Grandma died back in December. Thanks to COVID, I was not in Pennsylvania with you and my relatives. But I know you were there and I did the best I could to support my long-distance family members

I do not anticipate your arrival with joy. Nevertheless, I know that you come because Love happened. I don't regret love---- and am wrestling with the fact that Love will always lead to Grief visiting. I know I will need to sit with you once you get here-- and to be honest , I'd rather just show you to your room and never talk to you. But because of Love, I must deal with your visits.

 "Grief is just love with no place to go” ~ Jamie Anderson

  I give thanks for the 45 years that I loved my Grandma on Earth and still feel her presence daily. Your visit here after I lost Grandma was late due to COVID, so when you came I let you have too much freedom in my home. 

Lesson learned: I CANNOT and WILL NOT be consumed with you when you visit.  I am making the most of the time I have with my loved one { using proper COVID protocols} I will enjoy every interaction with her--- even if all that can be right now are text messages. I'm grateful that there are so many ways we humans can Love; that visits from you, Grief are nuanced. Love will turn to Grief if Love remains alive long enough. Waiting for you, Grief is taxing. But I must, for the sake of my own sanity & because I love the person I expect to lose, cannot dwell on your future arrival. 

 Grief, Love is worth the occasional visit from you. I love deeply, so when you arrive I will feel your presence more acutely than most people. Each person experiences you in a different way-- but we all ate visits from you. But, being a human capable of Big Love means that I expect Big Grief when you arrive. 

 My priest, in her wisdom, asked me a profound question. She wanted to know if I felt that the long, close relationship I have and enjoyed for many years is wort feeling the weight of a visit from Grief. My answer was an absolute YES!  This person's presence in my life is and has been part of what shaped me into the woman I am today. 

 Until we meet again, I will Walk in Love....

~Sarah McCarren

Life Lesson for Year 2021: It's Not All About Me

                                                Selfie of me sporting my newest mask: one of the three-layer kind that I picked up at CVS. They have cute ones in all sizes of people are looking to update their face wear wardrobe! 

   So far, Year 2021 has been a wee bit better than Year 2020. We enjoyed a brief respite this spring and early summer as more and more adults got their COVID vaccines. But Nature threw us weak-minded humans a viral curve ball,. The new variant of COVID is more contagious than the first wave bug and is especially hard on children & young adult bodies.

  So Brian, myself and every decent human I know are back to masking indoors in public.  I DO NOT want to catch a " breakthrough " case of COVID-- which my vaccination will protect me from really getting ill-- vaccines work. But more importantly, I do not wish to be a silent, asymptomatic carrier of this new variant to children waiting for vaccine approval , nor do I want to spread it to a vaccinated yet medically-vulnerable adult. 

 This part of St Paul's Letter to the Christian community in ancient  Phillipi comes to mind 

                          " Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others" PHIL 2:4

Now in spite of the sexist language that this translation has, I still find the general meaning of St Paul's words true to us right now. Pensacola is seeing record numbers of COVID hospital admitting , where pediatric E.R beds are full in big cities throughout The Sunshine State.

Yet our Governor wishes to keep Florida " open for business" at the cost of innocent lives.

Of course I would not wish COVID on anyone. But to be fair, I blame those adults who choose to NOT get the shots when their turn came for this spike in case numbers and deaths. I realize that it still an " experimental" vaccine, but it has already been proven that the majority of the COVID patients on ventilators and otherwise needing hospital care are unvaccinated adults.

By insisting that vaccination requirements are stepping on their " freedoms" they are to blame for the sickness in children and other adults with lung conditions for which COVID would mean certain death.

I have a dear friend, someone whom I've known for over 20 years who is sick and oxygen-dependent right now. For s long as I've known her, she has been one of the most patient, loving, Christ-like souls. We didn't always see eye-to-eye on everything, and she's as stubborn as I am but I love her unconditionally.

Because I love her and do not want to bring COVID { Or even the flu} into her home, I wore a mask and stayed a safe distance during our first in-person visit since before the COVID crisis . Due to my keeping my nose and mout fully covered, she could not see the smile on my lips. I can only hope and pray that she saw the smile reflected in my eyes. Additionally, I did not hug her, or even squeeze her hand as I bade farewell. Touch is one of my' love languages' , so not being able to reach out and touch my friend in a physical way hurt my heart. But this is not about me. My friend's health situation required that I be extra-careful { hands sanitized before I came into her house} and wore the mask for our entire visit. Love requires us to do what we can to protect those whom we cherish.

I'll repeat again for those who still refuse to listen. This is NOT about YOU and YOUR " comfort". if you are vaccinated, great: as am I and my spouse. But the vaccine will not always protect everyone from being a silent carrier--- you may never get COVID, but you can be a spreading agent. You can unwittingly pass a virus onto someone such as my friend, and kill them. Choosing not to mask can also spread the virus to young children, for whom the vaccine is not yet approved.

Yes, you have a choice. But there are good choices and poor choices. Vaccinated adults: ESPECIALLY adults who practice a faith,} should do the mitzvah of masking when indoors, in public , or around children and/or vulnerable adults who are vaccinated. Adults who still refuse to vaccinate will find that COVID does not discriminate.

Remember, people: THIS IS NOT ABOUT YOU OR ME.

Grow up. Vaccinate. Then, be a good human and Mask Up!

That's all for now....

~Sarah McCarren

8-18-2021

Anticipatory Grief and Use of Candles

   " Guardian Angel" candle that I light when I want to feel close to my dear departed Grandma Anne. I added another candle to my altar, this one burns for someone who is very sick. Photo by The Pensacola Hippie. 

    I love candles. I love how the soft light reminds me of the fire within me, fire that comes from generations of tough Celtic and Ashkenazi Jewish women. 

   Lighting candles also draws my soul to a place where I can be ready for worship. I especially found the practice of lighting a candle during lockdown when our clergy{ or sometimes a layperson} would say Evening Prayer online. 

  In Holy Baptism, the priest lights a small white candle from the large Christ candle, and gives it to either the newly baptized person or their parent/Godparent of the person if they are too young to understand about fire. 

  In the _Godly Play_ story on Baptism, the storyteller  lights a Christ candle, and then we light a candle for each person in the circle. Then the storyteller says how this light changes. It doesn't go away, but it changes. "  Then the storyteller gently presses a snuffer until the flame turns into smoke. 

  " Now, instead if being confined to one space, the Light goes out into this room, out of this building, and all over the world. the Light did not go away, it has changed. "

  As I face the loss of someone I love, I am both comforted and still somehow saddened by this imagery of the candle light. My friend, for as long as I've known her, has always reflected Christ's Light in her own Baptismal Light. One of the best pieces of advice that she's given me occurred when I was dealing with some serious mental health and issues wit relating to other people. She said once, in a firm but loving way :

   "Sarah, the best cure for sadness is to help someone else. Fast. " 

   At the time she offered that advice, I was way too spiritually immature to understand that we humans can, and should channel all our " big" feelings into making the world, or at least our community better for others. 

  She lived her professional and personal life as one of the best examples of carrying Crist's Light within her than almost anyone else I know. She is far from perfect, but the person I cherish is one who let that Christ Light within her guide her. 

  Her Earthly Light is flickering, but its still visible. 

  When I light the candle that I set aside for her, I pray that the Peace of Creator Mother God will envelope her and that she knows how much she is loved. I'm finding right now that words fail me when it comes to trying to tell this person how much she means to me as a teacher/mentor and friend. But maybe, lighting that candle will shine some of my Light onto her, since we are all " marked as Christ's own" via our baptism. 

  God knows her name, and its not my place to share details. 

    I know she still wants me to carry my Christ light into the world, and now I understand what that work means. 

  In Light , Love, and Liberation....

  Sarah McCarren

   August 16 2021

 

Working Through Grief During Covid: Part Two

                                      Safely masked outdoors in Hendersonville, NC . Photo by Brian

Part Two of essays I am writing as I work my brain though all the shitty stuff that COVID has thrown my way in the past 8 months. In addition to the death of my Grandmother, my family has suffered deaths{ from lung cancer and COPD} of two men who have been a part of my extended family here and in Pennsylvania. 

One of these men, who has been my dad's best friend since they were both small children, finally lost his battle with lung cancer. I've know this man & his wife since birth and my brother & I refer to him as " Uncle Beni". I am grateful that I got to introduce Beni & his wife to Brian & make some good memories here in Florida & in Atlanta before the cancer took over. I feel my Dad's sadness { empathic mixed-bag gift} & my own sadness. It is strange to think that when I eventually return to Pennsylvania neither Beni nor Grandma Anne will be there. As a matter of fact, I have BIG misgivings regarding returning to Bumpkinville, Pennsylvania at all. I was the fish out of water in Bumpkinville, and only a few relatives -- especially my Grandmother did there best to love me as I am. 

As I realize how much I really don't want to return to Bumpkinville, this makes me sad. Spending a week in the western North Carolina mountains last month re-connected me to some loved ones in a place that is soul-feeding. So maybe COVID has taught me that I really do not belong in Bumpkinville-- and probably remained a " stranger" there for my childhood & very early adulthood. 

Another person I know-- who was more of a friend of my parents than of Brian & me-- died of a lung condition. Due to COVID restrictions-- he could not receive any visitors. When his time came to move to whatever is next after Earthly life, the Celebration of Life was postponed Since this friend of my parents was not really in our " circle", Brian & I opted out of the Celebration. But for the people who knew & loved this man the most-- I am grateful that they got their closure in a ritual that meant a lot to " Bubba" & other surfers. 

Update on my anticipatory grief: I've talked to some trusted people { one was my first priest & one of the most Christ-Centered humans I know} who assure me that I am handling all the big feelings as best I can. 

Humans, but especially people of faith, are not meant to be soloists. Community upholds us when we are feeling stricken and weary to hold up ourselves. 

Amen...

Sarah McCarren

14 August 2021

 

Working Through Grief during COVID : Part 1

                                   Photo of my beautiful late Grandma Anne & my still living, but chronically ill Uncle.  Photo by Unknown Family Member. 

There will PROBABLY be a Part Two of this essay, because I've much active and anticipatory grief to process. Everyone who knows me at all knows I am a verbal processor. 

 Today's quote: 

"People talk about grief as if it's kind of an unremittingly awful thing, and it is. It is painful, but it's a very, very interesting sort of thing to go through, and it really helps you out. At the end of the day, it gets you through because you have to reform your relationship, and you have to figure out a way of getting to the future."

 ~Kay Redfield Jamison

For me , the worst part about grieving my Grandmother is that I never got any closure-- due to travel restrictions during last year's first COVID wave. Vaccines were not yet available , and with a spouse who is still undergoing cancer treatment, a plane trip to Pittsburgh wasn't happening.  We all knew that cancer would end Grandma's Earthly life, but we did not have any clear timetable. When Hospice took over, my family who lives in Pennsylvania got to visit Grandma in her home and share sweet, sacred time with her. The 8 McCarrens who live in the Southern United States had no such chance to sit by Grandma's bedside. Besides, since Grandma's career had been as an Emergency Room nurse, we knew she would not approve of us risking a deadly virus to come see her.  I sent her photos of Brian and me, and our niece and nephew { when we saw them} on occasion, since Grandma refused to learn to use the internet  She and I also exchanged weekly phone calls, until she was too weak to talk on the phone. 

  Grandma died in December, and it was still too risky for a crowded flight to Butler, Pennsylvania for her funeral Mass. We are grateful to a tech-savvy cousin who " Zoomed" the funeral Mass and burial for those of us in Florida and Georgia. 

 But to be honest, the Zoom did not offer me any sort of closing. It isn't my cousin's fault-- the church where Grandma had worshipped her entire adult life is not equipped for live-streaming. But we are grateful that at least we could see & hear the Mass. 

 Another grief that I am experiencing is apparently called " anticipatory grief". This is a grief that some people feel when a loved on is terminally ill. A dear friend of mine-- a woman I've known for over 20 years & who has played a big part in my development as a Christian-- is very ill. I vistied her a few days ago and the physical decline was marked { She's still beautiful, but she looks 20 years older than her actual age} To protect her privacy I cannot give out too many details, but I can say the visit was bittersweet. My visit { masked and a safe distance from her} brought her joy and did my heart some good to at least see her in-person. When I left { no hugs, as I don't want to be an unknowing carrier} I did not say " goodbye". To me, saying that word in this context during a pandemic was too loaded. Instead I told her : " I love you. I'll be in touch, okay?" She answered: "I love you, too. "

I know for a fact that I won't see Grandma this side of Eternity, and for that loss I am grieving. But not knowing if I will see my friend in person again carries with it a special , heavier grief. As with our in-person visit, I am allowing my friend to set the tone of our interactions. There are a few things on my heart that I'd like to resolve with her, but am being mindful that this is her time and I don't want her burden her with my own shit. 

  Grief after someone dies is hard , even harder right now. 

  Being present { not always in-person, but present nonetheless} for my ill friend and her family is harder. This is completely uncharted deep waters for me, and my main concern is not causing my friend stress. She and I have many fun, joy-full memories to discuss together , and she enjoys snapshots of my current life { such as my paintings, kayaking trips, ect. }

Its a tough, tiring road. 

People, if you have not , PLEASE get the vaccine-- and wear masks until we get these case numbers under control. Love requires sacrifice, and I am learning that by reflecting on my experience sitting with my sick friend. She didn't see my smile, but she knew it was there. 

Stay safe and well, friends....

~Sarah McCarren

13 August 2021