Grateful that hugging is safe again--- for most of us.
I've been trying to put a description to the seemingly indescribable emotional/physical symptoms I've had since the slow re-opening of the world is happening.
It is joy-- but a joy that is grouped in with some sadness, distrust, frustration & even some survivor's guilt. None of us are the people we were before this pandemic hit. kBut for we who suffer from mental health issues-- " Post Pandemic Brain" hits us harder.
I put on a happy face when I see folks I love-- after all no one wants a " Debbie Downer" right now. But to be honest, most day it takes an insane amount of energy to wake up in the morning & resist the urge to sleep all day.
According to an article written by Dana G Smith :
" It should come as no surprise that a year of stress, loneliness, fear, and trauma has affected our mental well-being. But has it also affected our brains? Do the increases in psychiatric symptoms correspond to real physiological changes within our 86 billion neurons?"
I am not a brain scientist, but my guess us a sure YES! As much as I hate to admit it-- even to myself-- I am always looking for the next bad thing to happen. From my spouse's cancer diagnosis two years ago to the horrible event of January 6, 2021 , I've had to pivot my mind to adjust to strange , new circumstances.
Our slow return to in-person life has me pivoting again to the question " what IS our normal now?"
As a result, one of the " normal" parts of life that has become hard for me is choices regarding what to wear when I volunteer at a summer youth program. After over a year of dressing mainly in " comfies' and NOT having to interact with people on weekdays, I am out of practice for " professional" dressing. Many of the nicer clothes in my closet have not been worn in over a year-- and I find myself overwhelmed when I need to pick out clothes to wear. I understand -- and I am grateful to own so many clothes-- but gratitude does not cancel out the anxiety I feel.
It is good to know I am not alone in my Post Pandemic Brain symptoms. Additionally, I recognize that I came through the worst of the pandemic relatively unscathed. I'm grateful that I did not get sick-- and I managed to keep Brian healthy, too. I'm grateful that no one in my life who died during this time died from causes other than COVID19.
However, there have been significant people in my life who have died during the worst of COVID19-- people for whom I have yet to reach some sort of closure. Oddly enough-- I have not been back to the Pittsburgh area in over two years { due to pandemic & Brian's cancer diagnosis in 2019} and I do not miss it. After 23 years in Northwest Florida, I consider myself more of a Southerner than a Rust Belt Appalachian. While there are some people who live there whom I love--- the divide between myself & the culture in the area of my origin has widened. It is weird and sad to say this: but I am not in any hurry to return to the Rust Belt Appalachians. The people whom I missed the most-- and whom I am grateful to see again now-- are my Pensacola people.
The big bridge is operational-- so getting to the other side of Pensacola Bay is easy again. I'm joy-full regarding this improvement-- but am carefully guarding my personal space when it comes to storms. I cannot and shall not engage with people who make jokes about Skanska. While gallows humor might be their way of coping with Storm Season 2021-- this humor only triggers me. Hurricane Sally, its immediate aftermath and the long term effects on our area are too fresh in my mind.
I feel fragile, and I know I am not alone in my trauma response .
We'll get through this in time. Meanwhile, let's be gentle towards each other.
Amen
Sarah McCarren
19 June 2021
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