Middle age is weird, in so many ways. On most days, I am Super-Confident Sarah. I stand as tall as my five -foot-six inches allows, do my best to be kind, yet refuse to take anyone's " shit". I work with my strengths and try not to overcompensate for my weaknesses. I'm a good spouse, friend, daughter, and aunt. I do my best -- along with Brian-- to recycle and reuse. {we only have one Earth, and she needs our help} I take care of our dog and do my house chores. Thanks to my naturally strong features, I have not worn make-up in over 25 years.
On other days, I hate myself. As an introvert, I've never felt like seeking the spotlight. I love singing in choral groups, but never competed with other sopranos for solo parts. {singing by myself onstage terrified me-- I much rather prefer to blend in with my section} Yet I envy the women who can and do seek the spotlight. I wish that I had the kind of confidence that makes people notice me in a big way-- the kind of confidence that would allow me to push others out of the way to get ahead. You know, the sort of person who covers their lies by batting eyes and smiling?
" Oh no , I NEVER would do _____"
Hell, my mother told me when I was a teen that I am a terrible liar. Since I don't like to suck at things, I don't lie.
Yet liars climb ahead.
I was bullied in school by the girls who would just bat their eyes at the principal " Sarah doesn't understand what I meant... I wasn't excluding her on the playground. She's just jealous since I'm popular" ~ "Amy The Bully
" Amy lied to the principal, the coaches, her parents, and my parents. Guess what: since she was {and probably still is} a superficially charming person, she got away with her cruelty.
When the " Amys" of the world grow up the nan turn into vicious, cruel women.
My problem is: I try hard to treat others with kindness & respect.
Confession: Sometimes I wish I had the capability to be a Mean Girl.
I don't.
Watching adult Mean Girls get ahead in business, the arts and {especially} politics really burns my butt.
Yet I am not wired for meanness. Nor am I wired to seek the spotlight. I'm a quiet {until I know you}, bookish, creative nerd woman.
That is who I am, and I need to work on being grateful for who God designed me to be.
Amen
Sarah Elizabeth McCarren
9/3/22
Thank you for this well said and frank post, Sarah, something many of us can relate to and appreciate.
ReplyDeleteThank you, sweet Alla. It is hard to watch the Mean Girls get ahead-- especially when one's childhood was traumatized by one such Mean Girl
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