Being fully seen{ and NOT judged} as Neurodivergent.

                                          My piano, with the VERY HELPFUL note stickers on the keys. My teacher gave these to me when she realized that I am struggling with eye" tracking" when I change hand positions. 

My name is Sarahbeth. My pronouns are she/her/hers. I was born in 197- {I'm not telling, suffice it to say I am a proud Generation X member} 

I am neurodivergent. Thanks, to my mom's doctor's choice to pull me into the world with forceps, my brain works differently than typical brains. 

As a person who is neurodivergent, but due to the time when I grew up, I had to endure education in a subpar public school. Since my brain is not that of someone with classical autism, nor am I male, my differences were never addressed in school. It is true that a few of my symptoms are that which fall on the " autism spectrum", but many of the neurodivergent traits I have are not in that classification. Plus{and I know some Autism Parents will jump on me for this .. but I know no other descriptive term} I am very " high functioning".  My communication skills were and are not stymied by my neurodivergence at all. 

Do I possess an " autistic" trait or two? Yes. 

Am I " autistic?" No. 

I do not even fit the criteria for Aspergers' Syndrome-- although again, some of the traits do overlap. Anyone who knows me well is aware of my tendency to be a Smarty Pants. 

" Book-learning" except for math, came pretty easy for me. I love to read, and I retain what I read with scary accuracy. 

However, my fine motor skills leave much to be desired, and learning simple skills like typing was difficult {I finally developed my own system of typing accurately, and I am sure my high school typing teacher would shake her head in dismay.} 

P.E. class was disastrous, as I am clumsy, and my eyes do not " track " well. My balance and coordination are not good, so typical " girly" activities like cheerleading and ballet were not possible for me. 

In my adult life, very few people-- even medical professionals, have bothered to ask me about my neurodivergence-- how {we think} it happened and how I am affected daily. 

I don't drive because I cannot drive. I certified occupational therapist evaluated me and attempted to teach me to drive & affirmed that I am not safe on the road. Not too long ago, a woman I knew said to my face:

" It must be nice to have your own chauffeur. " 

No, it is NOT " nice" to not be able to do something that most Americans over the age of sixteen take for granted.  As a matter of fact, it sucks. But I cannot grouse about what I physically cannot do-- grousing never changed a damn thing. 

Bottom line is: My brain works a wee bit differently than most typical people's brains. I've accepted that I am neurodivergent and am learning to celebrate that unique perspective that being Different but Not Less Than { Dr Temple Grandin} gives me. 

In spite of the birth trauma, I am not, and never was, " broken". 

I am a whole, holy child of my Creator. 

I am, just like every other human, am " fearfully & wonderfully made..." 

                                                                - from Psalm 139:14

~~Sarahbeth McCarren

Life With Chronic Pain : Getting it " Fixed"

                                           Me hiking in NC. I was healthier here. Healthier, but still in pain. 

My name is Sarabeth and I suffer from chronic nerve pain. 

At the age of twelve, I needed TWO major surgeries to correct severe scoliosis. 

A titanium device called a Harrington Rod was inserted into my spine in order to correct a seventy-five-degree curvature. 

I was twelve. I'm forty-seven now. 

The surgery to correct the curvature of my spine was necessary. Yet now it is a main reason why I suffer from chronic nerve pain. 

My official diagnosis is " Failed Back Surgery Syndrome" While my scoliosis surgeries did not fail in the technical sense {My back is somewhat straight now}, the problems I deal with now are caused by the implants in my spine. 

For close to four years now, I've been battling the health care system to get a pain-and drug-free solution to my problem. The pandemic, and a need to change pain clinics {that mess is another story for another day} 

Let me say one thing: I DO NOT LIKE DRUGS. As part of the hunt for a solution, I've tried physical therapy, yoga, CBD rubs {which actually does help temporarily} and a TENS unit. 

None of this works for nerve pain. Imaging of my lower back shows that the nerve roots of my lumbar spine look like frayed rope. 

Ouch. 

Currently I am taking two very different medications to control the pain. 

One is Gabapentin, a medicine that works on the central nervous system via the chemical receptors to the brain. It is not a controlled substance. 

On really bad days I take Tramadol, which IS a controlled substance. Due to its potential for abuse, and a family history of alcoholism, I only use this medicine when NEEDED.  

I am waiting for a procedure that will {HOPEFULLY} erase the need for me to take copious amounts of drugs. It is called Radiofrequency Ablation. Here is a good article about the procedure. 

https://www.mayoclinichealthsystem.org/hometown-health/speaking-of-health/radiofrequency-ablation-pain-relief 

In order for my insurance to qualify me for this procedure, I had to undergo TWO injections of a nerve-blocking medication into my lower back. Yuck. 

Thankfully, my messed-up back passed this " test", and I am scheduled for the nerve ablation on October 24. Per insurance, I can only get one side ablated at a time. 

Damn. 

Thanks, Humana.  

I also suffer from a condition called Vasovagal Syncope, which is a fancy word for fainting at triggers. I discovered that was a problem when I went in for a steroid injection at my previous pain clinic and nearly went into cardiac arrest when the nurse stuck an IV in my arm. So, I am not thrilled about TWO IV insertions, but at least I know to tell the nurse to have plenty of IV fluids immediately available. 

A tired, hungry , scared and dehydrated Sarahbeth is a recipe for another near-death experience. 

Y'all I , am tired of being in pain. 

I'm in my late 40s-- with hopefully a long second half of life ahead of me. 

If you pray, please pray that this procedure works. 

All I want is to feel " whole" again. 

Sarahbeth McCarren 

Oct 8 2023